I am learning. The ups and downs. In search of my balance always. Every day, acknowledging what’s working and what’s not.
The need to get in touch with me and the failure of not being able to do so. Most of the time. Except maybe when silence is on play, when lights are down.
I am learning to accept it, this place of bruises, place of emptiness. Never being sure. Always doubting.
I left fear and I thought I would never feel this way again. And yet, it’s another kind of fear. One that needs care so I can defy it every single day.
I wanted to be strong. And yet I am not. Embracing it makes it less painful. I feel the urge to open my eyes, to let the words flow, to open the door so I can stand on the edge and stop hidding, stop saying ok when it’s not, stop behaving like all is under control, stop pretending.
Maybe this is my chance.
Of being human. And learning to let go, after all. Day by day. Layer by layer. Till I can look at myself in the mirror and only feel love. For who I am. Without control and conditions. Without wanting to be different.
I don’t know why you poped up into my mind this morning. Your memory.
I remember, will always, where I was when the phone rang, how I felt. I somewhere knew what was about to be said. Something written since the day you entered my life. It could not last. Life like this. Life in a place of suffering. Pain, inside your head, in your body. Your fainted smile as the years went by.
Sometimes a glimpse of hope. Sometimes a chance, maybe. But every time it went as it came. And we remained there, on the threshold of a new dawn, the heart lost in a future that we could only imagine, that would never be yours to walk towards.
The end. I was prepared and yet, I lost balance. I felt relieved for you. I felt pain rushing into my blood and anger filling the space with emptiness.
You were so young. I was so full of dreams, thinking I could overcome every difficulty, I could break the silence they put between us. Your parents thought I was judging them. They felt guilty enough for not being able to look after you the way others thought they ought to.
They were wrong. I was on their side. I was your godmother, not a complete stranger with straight ideas on what it takes and what it means of rasing a disabled child.
You were always an angel anyway. To me. When death took you away, you just get home. You are somewhere between the stars. In my heart for ever. A part of my life. A bright one despite the end, despite all that went wrong between the day I hold you tight in that church and the day the phone rang to tell me you passed away. We did not say goodbye.
We did not know what love was
We thought it was becoming one another
Or losing our identity
We thought it was being there
We thought it was losing our voice
So we could create a brand new reality
We did not know so we tried
We fought battles so we could stop the tide
From taking us afar with no chance of coming back
We did not know but we played the game
Thinking that feelings would keep us safe
We kept putting love
Trying to define it
Without the correct lens
We became two strangers
Walking into darkness
Tears falling on deserted gardens
Where flowers could not bloom
We did not know what love was
We broke each other’s hearts
Till there was nothing left
But empty fields
With holes where we could hide
Thinking it would end the madness
That kept us in a delusive togetherness
This is a text written as part of Writing Prompt proposed by Mona