I have my flaws

I was reading your lovely comments yesterday and thinking how blessed I am to have met such genuine and wonderful people. 


But it seems I talk a lot about positive things, about how to always trust God and have faith in life, about love and joy, music and poetry, but I forget often to tell you the truth about how I feel. 


When I am in doubt, it sounds better to write about the bright side of life but inside I am scared, sad. I should be able to let these feelings out but I keep them for myself. I am not good at showing my weaknesses, at talking about my fears. But they are here, they are part of my daily routine and it’s not by avoiding them that I can move forward.


So I worry, when I know I should not, because God knows best what’s good for me and everything that should happen will happen, if not now, later. 


So I am impatient, when I should take a day at a time. As we say Paris did not get build in one day. Everything happen when it should happen. 


So I feel like I am loosing myself in a job that pays the rent but does not match my ideals, when I promised to myself I would never fall into this trap.


So I am sad when I have to prove again and again I can hold my life, make good choices, follow a different road without being considered like a complete fool. 


So I am afraid by all this paperwork, Immigration officers, visas applications, racism, words that hurt the ones I love.


So I don’t know where all this energy, this harmony, these projects I had when I came back form Egypt are gone. 


So I would like to know what is my purpose in this life, where is my place, what is this dream I had as a young girl – I can’t remember it these days.


You see Imperfect………..but Happy. Because life will always be this beautiful creation, God will always be by my side. 
It is up to me to make the most of it and improve myself to trust Him no matter what and find balance and harmony in the Now. It is just a bit hard sometime. 

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