Counting the months

I don’t know if it’s good. It helps me to see my progresses, from where I started to where I am standing now.

But for a long time I will remember the 24th of November 2012, the day I feared to come back home, the day I look up at the window, I saw the light, I took my phone out and rang the first friend I knew who would be able to calm the shaking of my whole body.
One night. Last night of a life which would never be the same again.
I moved out of this place of fear and cries. I moved out of this state of mind where I was asking God to take me back, to take us back forever.  10 months.
I left behind an image, a sweet illusion which I wanted to see as reality. The bubble exploded in my hands and burnt my soul.
I am rising again. Slowly. With so many help from all around the world.
One morning I felt free, free to go out shopping, free to walk with a skirt in the busy city, free from the fear, the doubts, the constant guilt.
Don’t take me wrong, there are days when I find myself falling down again. As long as this state does not last, as long as I know when to say STOP to myself, as long as I know I will get on my feet once again, I am safe. I can allow myself not to be strong every single day. I allow myself to cry and beat the air with my fists. I allow myself to be angry and to forgive once more.

I have started again from scratch. I will never give up, the worst will remain behind.  
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23 thoughts on “Counting the months

  1. Une nouvelle vie a commencé pour toi Marie. Maintenant tu es libre de faire ce que tu veux. Mais une étape ne se franchit pas toujours aussi facilement que l'on souhaiterait … il y a toujours de durs moments.Je t'embrasse très fort Marie, ainsi que ton petit bébé d'amour ! Je pense à vous.

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  2. A really touching post but I'm so glad you never give up. I love this post, Marie. Some of us might have been in that situation. Thanks so much for spreading words of encouragement which are very good examples on how to cope with bad moments and start afresh. 🙂

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  3. I am happy if my words can help others Balqis. Sometime we feel like giving up but there is always something inside us that keep us going, faith or life or the words we read and give us the energy to move on.Take care dear friend. xx

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  4. I guess it is good to remember as it helps show how far you have come….. but remembering can also make you take a few steps back as you say… so long as you remember it IS all in the past…and you are strong that you have broken free…and you can continue to get stronger as each day passes.Hugs to you x

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  5. I count the days too. Your reason is one of the reasons why I do so. I know how hard it is to fall and then stand again and then be pushed back yet again and then rise yet again. Just like you, as long as I am ready to keep standing every time I fall, the belief that things will be better will remain. The day we stop is the day we lose all hopes and that is the worse that could happen.So I am very happy for you Marie that you continue living life of hope. Tears are there to fall. We are here to pass you as many 'wordly' tissues as possible. ;)Fight on!!!

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  6. I admire your strength, dear Marie. You can be proud of yourself! And it's true, you don't need to be strong every day, it's better to let every part of your being breathe and show up exactly as they are 🙂 In my eyes, it's better to be wholy and truly yourself than to be happy all the time. We live in a world of duality, so sadness will be part of our journey, but it can also be a hidden pearl that gives us wisdom, strength and a sacred sensitivity to life and the sufferings and joy of other people around us. I will keep you in my prayers, and may God continue to shower you with His blessings and healing grace!

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  7. So glad you are still going strong! Sorry I haven't popped by your blog for a while, have been so busy what with starting my homeschooling journey and other things! So glad you are kind enough to still leave me messages. Please keep with your fighting spirit and I hope you and your little one keep well. Thinking of you both. Karima

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  8. Thank you so much Eline. I am glad to read you again. Sadness is part of our life and without it, we would not be able to understand happiness. We have to live fully in everything if we want to understand the true value of life. May God protect you and keeps you well and in peace always. Take care dear.

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