There is a difference when you are leaving a husband and when you are leaving a husband, who also happens to be a dad. The difference is that even after the separation, you keep sharing something. This makes things completely different.
You know, I mean people tell you that a man who disrespect you might still be a good dad. So you stay in touch, despite your fear and your pain. You keep in touch a certain way, the way that is less difficult for you.
You think of your child first, cause it’s all about him, it’s all about his relationship with a dad he does not know.
You are sending photos and news.
When it’s not enough for the dad, you find the courage to call him.
With every step you make, you think that things might change, that you both will be able to put aside your regrets and your anger, and do good things for your kid.
And then, it’s never enough. You are NEVER GOOD ENOUGH. Again. You hear these words again. Like you did not hear them enough before, when you were a couple, when you were married.
NOT ENOUGH. NEVER ENOUGH.
Not a good woman.
Not a good mum.
You have to LISTEN to him, cause you are not GOOD ENOUGH to think by yourself.
You have to say YES to everything he says, cause he knows better what’s good for you.
You have to stay QUIET when he humiliates you AGAIN, when he talks to you like you are a piece of shit AGAIN, cause if you raise your voice, he is ready to accuse you of the worst.
Anyway he is accusing you of the worst.
You stole his baby, when you only thought about saving his life.
You broke his heart, when yours was already in a million of pieces.
You are lying when you say he threaten to kill you.
You decided alone of the baby’s name, when you should have asked him first. He does not agree. He will never call him by his name. Anyway for him, he has another name. Every one of his friend is calling him by this other name.
It’s an endless battle, when your words mean nothing. They are not GOOD ENOUGH.
You are the BAD ONE in this story. You always WERE.
I thought this was over. It thought all of this belong to the past.
But these words are still there, threatening my sanity, when I’m just starting to feel better. One phone call only to break everything AGAIN.
I want to move on but the words he said keep coming back. I am pushing them away, because they only cause harm. It’s just hard to not remember them. I was so sure he had no control over me anymore. I am not so sure today. But I will make sure to get stronger and pray not to fall again under his crazy power.