Things were better till they were not

There is a difference when you are leaving a husband and when you are leaving a husband, who also happens to be a dad. The difference is that even after the separation, you keep sharing something. This makes things completely different.

You know, I mean people tell you that a man who disrespect you might still be a good dad. So you stay in touch, despite your fear and your pain. You keep in touch a certain way, the way that is less difficult for you.

You  think of your child first, cause it’s all about him, it’s all about his relationship with a dad he does not know.

You are sending photos and news.

When it’s not enough for the dad, you  find the courage to call him.

With every step you make, you think that things might change, that you both will be able to put aside your regrets and your anger, and do good things for your kid.

And then, it’s never enough. You are NEVER GOOD ENOUGH. Again. You hear these words again. Like you did not hear them enough before, when you were a couple, when you were married.

NOT ENOUGH. NEVER ENOUGH.

Not a good woman.

Not a good mum.

You have to LISTEN to him, cause you are not GOOD ENOUGH to think by yourself.

You have to say YES to everything he says, cause he knows better what’s good for you.

You have to stay QUIET when he humiliates you AGAIN, when he talks to you like you are a piece of shit AGAIN, cause if you raise your voice, he is ready to accuse you of the worst.

Anyway he is accusing you of the worst.

You stole his baby, when you only thought about saving his life.

You broke his heart, when yours was already in a million of pieces.

You are lying when you say he threaten to kill you.

You decided alone of the baby’s name, when you should have asked him first. He does not agree. He will never call him by his name. Anyway for him, he has another name. Every one of his friend is calling him by this other name.

It’s an endless battle, when your words mean nothing. They are not GOOD ENOUGH.

You are the BAD ONE in this story. You always WERE.

I thought this was over. It thought all of this belong to the past.

But these words are still there, threatening my sanity, when I’m just starting to feel better. One phone call only to break everything AGAIN.

I want to move on but the words he said keep coming back. I am pushing them away, because they only cause harm. It’s just hard to not remember them. I was so sure he had no control over me anymore. I am not so sure today. But I will make sure to get stronger and pray not to fall again under his crazy power. 

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9 thoughts on “Things were better till they were not

  1. ❀ ❀ ❀
    Bonjour à toi Marie !!!!
    Les choses changent, on apprend à s’accomoder de ce que la vie nous donne, on prend de nouvelles habitudes, on d’autres priorités… on avance. Il faut juste garder confiance.
    JE PENSE FORT A TOI.
    Bises à vous deux !!!!
    ❀ ❀ ❀

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  2. You are not what happened to you, but you still have to get through it. I was never taught to put myself first, so when I was beaten and threatened to have my kids taken away I thought it was my destiny. You are strong beyond words Marie, I can’t say it enough, you did the right thing. You would never want to raise a son who grew up to threaten and abuse women. Keep talking and writing and healing. It gets better. You don’t have to “become” anyone…you are choosing happiness and safety over all.

    Hugs!

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    • Thanks for your words Salam, they mean a lot. I want to heal too quickly, maybe perhaps it’s what people want me to do, when in fact I need time to come to terms with all of this.
      Take care and much love my friend. Thanks for being there always. xx

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  3. I don’t know what to tell Marie. Someone like me who had never gone through such a distress can hardly tell anything. I want to tell you that your fortitude amazes me. You are one of those rare strong woman out there….

    I don’t think you stole his child from him. A boy growing up with a woman abuser will turn out to be no better. Sorry to say strong words. I think all he wants is put you down with abusive words. What you have chosen is for the safety and goodness of yourself and your son.

    xo xo
    Nishana

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    • Thank you very very much Nishana. Don’t worry for the hard words, they in fact are true and maybe it’s why things are so hard.
      But I won’t let him destroy us anymore. I left to escape this anyway.
      Love to you all from France. xx

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  4. Hun, if he starts saying this stuff, hang up the phone, make him leave the house.

    You DO NOT have to listen

    And DO NOT BELIEVE IT

    When you keep hearing things like this it can become soul destroying…but know that you did the right thing. You are trying to be the better person by making sure you want your son to still k now his father…Im not sure I could be so strong…. Hugs to you xx

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    • I am not sure it’s the best thing to do either Foz. I am still trying to make it work for Mister Pop. But I have to be better at looking after myself too.
      Thank you for your words, which are really helpful. Love to you all. xx

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  5. I’m sorry to know what happened. My heart goes out to you, Marie. You’ve done what’s right for yourself and your beloved son. One can’t live with a tyrant. I understand the bond between your son and him, but whatever good things you’ve done to keep that bond close is not even appreciated by him. Let him be in his own world and you keep moving on till happiness be all yours one day.

    Love from Malaysia.

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    • That’s it I don’t understand Balqis. I do what I can but it’s never enough for him. Anyway I need to take care of myself too, today more than ever, if I want to assure me and Mister Pop peace and happiness.
      Thank you so much for your support. It means a lot to me.
      XX

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