My self-esteem has always been very low.
I don’t know where this comes from. I had a happy childhood. I had a childhood full of love and security. My parents never forgot to encourage me.
Maybe it’s the years of bullying at school. Or the fact that I grew up way too fast and my parents did not understand or see my issues, as they were too busy dealing with my sister’s problems.
So when a man came into my life and kept telling me that I was not good enough, I believed him. I believed every single word he said. He was perfect. He was my savior (bad idea). I allowed him to shout at me, to stay silent for days or wake me up in the middle of the night for nothing, to leave me alone half of the time, to despise me, to make me feel unwanted. I always had an excuse for him. After the crisis, he was nice, full of lovely words, he became again the man I loved, he would accept to forgive me for “my lack of modesty, for being rude to him, for leaving him feel useless”.
I tend to see myself small in comparison to others. I always think I have nothing good to say or share. Writing helps me to get rid of this feeling, but the face to face reality is making things quite difficult. Still.
I admire many people. I would love to meet half of them but I am scared to be not good enough. I see these people much better than who I am (that include you ladies!) And the worst is that I know it’s completely stupid to feel that way.
The other night I had a bad dream. Everybody around me kept repeating “not good enough”. I was in the middle of the street, asking God to stop it and end my life (quite not a very useful prayer). Suddenly I realized this was not right. I stood up and walked away. Nobody should have the power to push me down, to belittle me. I was the one allowing this to happen, the only one accepting to be less than who I am.
It’s time for me to work on self-esteem and not let people decide whether I am good enough or not for them. I am enough. I am beautiful. God created me the way I am for a reason. I should honor this gift by loving myself.
Any issues of self-esteem on your side? Any solution you might like to share?