When I set my eyes on my baby boy, I can only thank God for sending me light in the middle of my dark days, filled with pain, tears and desire to die.
I met a man 5 years ago, a man who happens to be the dad of my sweet baby boy. I would have liked to be able to remember happy days, to look at photos of two people in love, smiling at each other. I can’t, because our story was sad from the beginning.
I am starting to forgive myself. It’s a process of pain, loss and love. When I left, my therapist told me “give yourself time to heal, to grieve”. I didn’t. Everybody wanted me to be strong, strong for the baby I was carrying, strong for the life I was about to deliver to the world.
I met a man, who didn’t love me for who I am. He wanted me to be different. He wanted some kind of wife. I was not the kind of wife he wanted. But he was sure that he could change me. He did. I changed. He won so many battles. I lose so many part of myself in this relationship.
The past does not define who I am. But it’s part of me. It will never leave me completely. I should embrace this part of sadness inside me. This experience gave me wisdom and brought me closer to God.
But when I look at my baby boy, there are days full of worries. I wonder what life will be. I pray God to keep him safe with me. If he was to take my child away, I know it’s possible. I integrated it. It’s written everywhere on my skin. I pray God to protect his life. It’s the only thing I can do.
When I bow down to pray, when I am on my knees, my forehead touching the soul of the earth, I am at peace. It gives me the energy to start the day. It shows me nothing is impossible to God. It takes me to gardens full of beautiful flowers and fountains with sacred water. Nothing exists at this moment. Nothing bad will happen. We are both safe.
I don’t like today’s date. I don’t like to remember this night. I don’t like the story. It has too many tears in it. Images are too strong. Words are too harsh. Joy is nowhere to be found, or maybe just on my wedding day. Was it a lie?
I don’t know. I don’t care. The answers will never come. I am still the “heartless woman”, “the bad girl who does not want to marry”, “the good wife depending on the food served”, “the prostitute”.
When I look at myself in the mirror, my eyes don’t look so sad anymore. They are bright. I am rising above all the shadows of my past. I have many more battles to win, but I already won some. I am a woman, a sister, a friend, a daughter and a mum. I am wise and smiling. I am beautiful and sane.
5 years ago I lose my innocence, my smile, my balance. Today it’s the first day of the rest of my life, a life full of joy, love, peace, serenity, friendship, dance, harmony, faith, grace, dreams, wishes and projects. A great life.