My first Ramadan – The missed Eid

I know Ramadan is behind us. But I wanted to “kind of finish” what I started.

Back in 2011, after nearly 4 weeks of fasting and prayers, I was ready to go to the Mosque to celebrate the Eid. It was important to me as part of the experience I had decided to take and as part of sharing an important religious moment with my husband.

As it’s often the case, we got to know that Eid would be a day earlier than what was planned. I remember seeing my husband rushing home one evening, saying to me “wake me up early tomorrow; S. will collect me to go the Mosque”.

I don’t think he realized that I might have been happy to share this special moment with him too. He knew it during the afternoon, but he did not bother telling me. I could have asked my boss for a half day, before leaving work. I could not anymore. It was too late.

I remember leaving the next morning for work, feeling empty. I remember tears falling down my cheeks. I remember my husband calling and not understanding why I felt this way. I remember him, making fun of me, for acting so foolishly. I would say “we will have other Eid”.

I couldn’t explain it. I had felt such peace for one month. I had felt like I belonged. Belonging to what, I don’t know – Belonging to life, maybe. I had felt like nothing could bring me down, nothing could change me or break me. I had felt close to God, closer enough to feel that there was no fear to have, in this life, in the next. And in one second, all vanished. I was sitting on a solid rock and then it was only dust.

I don’t know whether it’s because I had expectations or because I thought that doing the Ramadan together would build us, as a couple, would help us grow, would make us stronger.

The day passed and evening came. He spent his with his friends. I came back home feeling down. I cried and I stopped talking about it. My husband would not have understood, or would not have wanted to understand.

It was not my religion after all. But I kept a wonderful memory of my First Ramadan, despite the sadness of the last day and the feeling that whatever I would do, the man I loved so much, would never ever understand me, my true feelings, would never really get to know who I was and what I was looking for.

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8 thoughts on “My first Ramadan – The missed Eid

  1. Marie

    I feel so sad after reading this post, so much hurt can be avoided if people are able to communicate and understand each other better, but sadly, not many people take the time to do that.

    At the same time though, there is some happiness in this post as well, the peace you experienced in Ramadhaan has obviously made a mark on your life even after all this time, perhaps your ex-husband was just a tool to get you to experience that peace and happiness, perhaps he was just the means to a better end. That end may not yet be revealed, but in time things will make more sense.

    Stay well and in peace always.

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  2. I think sometimes men don’t understand how important Eid is to us women. My husband decided to go to Pakistan on his daughters first ever Eid and couldn’t understand why I was upset.And then another time I had to work, but only until 1, and by the time I got home everyone had eaten.

    hugs to you hun, but glad you found peace during the actual month.

    Hope you are well and glad to see you back x

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  3. Sometimes different place or space or just the wrong person can give us a view of a thing…anything. Had I married hubby before I spent time with friends in different stages of faith and celebrations, I might have resented him.
    I’m sure reflecting on this now will help you in the future 🙂
    xxo

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  4. Hi Marie,

    It’s such a relief that you have opted out of such humiliations. Past is behind you. God is Great! Have faith in His goodness and grace. ‘He sees the truth but waits.’ Stay blessed!

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  5. He loved you in his own way but unfortunately his EQ is not matured enough to understand how you feel. Some people are just like that. Perhaps, due to their upbringing, their lack of life experiences, etc. they missed the big picture.

    The peace that you felt in that one month is a blessing. Not everybody can feel that way, even some Muslims! Marie, you can always experience that feeling of peace again. You don’t have to depend on any man for you to feel that way, dear. It is open to anybody and everybody.

    Much love and hugs, for both of you. Take care and keep well always.
    Asni

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  6. You are very brave to try and embrace a religion you weren’t born into. Yet, this person did not bother walking down the lane with you. Compassion is important between couples. You deserve much much better in life Marie.
    Love to you & the lil’ one! ^-^

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