It’s horrible to think that you are fine, safe and suddenly find out that as long as a certain person is around you, you will never be safe, or fine.
I was under his influence for 4 years. He was directing my life, my thoughts, my habits, my choices, my taste…
I stopped seeing my friends, my family. I was isolated, frustrated, lost. I was surviving. I was walking on eggshells all the time, in case I would do or say something that would make him angry and silent for days.
I left, thinking I would be safe, thinking that he would stop having influence on me, thinking I was setting myself free.
I worked so hard to get stronger, to stop feeling guilty and to rebuild my life piece after piece.
But I forgot to say STOP.
He WON’T change.
I just need to know this by heart. I just need to integrate it fully, not just like this.
I am so sure he WON’T change. And still I have a tiny drop of hope in me…
I SHOULD STOP seeing him.
I SHOULD STOP the mediation process. It does not bring us anywhere.
It’s all about HIM, HIS needs, HIS wishes.
He wants. He needs. He says “you must”, “you have to”.
Listening to him is like being in a rollercoaster. At the end of the talk, you just want to hide and cry, you don’t know any more what’s ok, what’s not, what you want to say, what you want at all. You say YES when you think NO. You just want it to be over.
Leaving a violent relationship is tough. And the best thing to do is closing the doors, not letting the violent person enter your new world, your new life.
It’s OVER. Over for your sanity. Over for self-respect. Over, because if you are nice just one second, the abusive ex will know it and will push where it hurts, will turn your world upside down, will break you.
I did not leave to give him another chance to break me. I should be stronger. I should cut all ties with him and never let him approach me again, NEVER EVER.