Under Infuence – No More

It’s horrible to think that you are fine, safe and suddenly find out that as long as a certain person is around you, you will never be safe, or fine.

I was under his influence for 4 years. He was directing my life, my thoughts, my habits, my choices, my taste…

I stopped seeing my friends, my family. I was isolated, frustrated, lost. I was surviving. I was walking on eggshells all the time, in case I would do or say something that would make him angry and silent for days.

I left, thinking I would be safe, thinking that he would stop having influence on me, thinking I was setting myself free.

I worked so hard to get stronger, to stop feeling guilty and to rebuild my life piece after piece.

But I forgot to say STOP.

He WON’T change.

I just need to know this by heart. I just need to integrate it fully, not just like this.

I am so sure he WON’T change. And still I have a tiny drop of hope in me…

I SHOULD STOP seeing him.

I SHOULD STOP the mediation process. It does not bring us anywhere.

It’s all about HIM, HIS needs, HIS wishes.

He wants. He needs. He says “you must”, “you have to”.

Listening to him is like being in a rollercoaster. At the end of the talk, you just want to hide and cry, you don’t know any more what’s ok, what’s not, what you want to say, what you want at all. You say YES when you think NO. You just want it to be over.

Leaving a violent relationship is tough. And the best thing to do is closing the doors, not letting the violent person enter your new world, your new life.

It’s OVER. Over for your sanity. Over for self-respect. Over, because if you are nice just one second, the abusive ex will know it and will push where it hurts, will turn your world upside down, will break you.

I did not leave to give him another chance to break me. I should be stronger. I should cut all ties with him and never let him approach me again, NEVER EVER.


14 thoughts on “Under Infuence – No More


    ****Listening to him is like being in a rollercoaster. At the end of the talk, you just want to hide and cry, you don’t know any more what’s ok, what’s not, what you want to say, what you want at all****

    You see, this is how the abuser wants you, needs you, desires to mold you. Kay never knew if she were coming or going, living or dying, here or there…

    Just when she was beginning to become EMPOWERED, he killed her.

    Love from MN. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx You. Are. STRONG. never forget it.


    1. It’s crazy to think that some people want to possess you in such a way that you lose track of your life, of your humanity, of your sanity.
      Never Ever Again. I should always keep this in mind, it’s crucial, so important.
      Thanks for your wise word Kim. I need them today.


  2. Hi Marie,

    I am so happy you are out of all that abuse, I know you are brave enough to shun him, DONOT let him see you at all. DONOT give in. Love yourself, love your life and live it according to your wishes.
    Thank God that it is over. Have faith in His mercy, He will help you through your difficult journey alone. Self respect is more important than any other possession. Please steel yourself and you will see the difference in your attitude. We love you.


    1. I think I just realized that I need to stop all contact with him, to stop having him in my life. He is destroying everything.
      I should think of me first, maybe I knew it but needed to acknowledge it fully.
      Thank you for your words and support Balroop. I will not GIVE IN.


  3. When an airplane is going down, one must put in oxygen first, then help others in need…even one’s own child. The first time I thought about that it just clicked…we have to always be in the right frame of mind…must ALWAYS be safe before we throw ourselves into anything – especially a dangerous situation.

    It’s a process dear Marie…it is a process that you are going through right now – since the day you said “no more”.
    You are not allowing him to be a jerk, you are trying to find a middle ground.
    Stay safe…think of Marie first…no one can make him change if HE doesn’t think there’s something wrong with his behaviour.


    1. It’s a tough process Salma. Seeing him is like receiving a slap on my face. He is complaining all the time. He is full of lies and threats all the time. It’s a vicious circle. And I think that as long as I have him in my life, I can’t be safe or free. I need to stand back and not let him approaches me.
      He definitely DOES NOT think something is wrong with him. He is putting all faults on me.

      Thank you for your words, your friendship Salma. It’s hard but I am learning many things about me, about life, about what I want and what I won’t accept anymore. xx


    1. We do think “never ever” and still hope that the person will change. This will NEVER happen, we do need to get a shot of fear or pain once in a while to accept this idea, to accept that we definitely deserve MUCH better Wafa.
      Thank you dear. Hope you are keeping well. Stay safe. xx


  4. Remember your own words hun…..He WON’T change.

    No he won’t…..men like that rarely do.

    Keep your strength that you have gained throughout this process.

    And repeat your final words over and over if you have to…NEVER EVER

    hugs hun xxx


  5. I have seen many women who accept being ill treated rather than forsake such a man. It always had me thinking that why do they do it? Why do they need approval from a man and why do they need to be validated by him?

    Then comes your experience and I thought ‘go for it Marie!’ You have been brave not withstanding such a treatment. You tried working out things and that’s more than courteous of you.

    Many should take inspiration from you. I love and admire your spirit.

    P.S. Thank you for accepting the token. Makes me super proud to have my blog mentioned here. (っ◕‿◕)っ ♥


    1. Thanks so much Sui. But things don’t work out when you are the only one wishing to make a change. Anyway I tried and that’s it. I am tired of trying for a guy who doesn’t deserve it. I think I know now that I should move on, on my own. It’s up to him to make an effort if he wishes, to do something for his son.
      I someday wish I have a different spirit and be stronger. But I am who I am and I won’t change because a crazy man thinks that whatever I do is something I do in purpose, to hurt him.
      Thanks for being there always and for being such a kind friend.
      Stay safe and blessed dear. xxx


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