You can’t change others (pretty hard to accept it and let go)

Sometime the only thing that you can do is step back for a while. And look at things from a certain distance.

It’s not easy. It may be tricky. You may want to jump in the mess and try to change things.

But a little voice inside you tells you that you can’t change people.

It’s so hard when it’s somebody you love. It’s very hard when it’s a closed one, a family member. It’s terrible when you know that whatever you do, whatever you may say to this person, she will stay the same, with her past trauma and her lack of confidence.

You may want to do something but you are left doing nothing. Just looking and waiting. Because there is nothing you can do really.

You can hope and pray.

And let go.

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I’ve been seeing my mum sad for the past 34 years. She felt better till she felt bad again. Depression. Cancer. Nothing seems to cheer her up more than 5 minutes. She says she’s ok till she confesses she can’t make it till the next day. She is waiting for some people to acknowledge her worth – the wrong people, the ones who will never tell her how great she is.

I have to say that some days I am not patient with her. I am a bit rude. I’d like to shake her and show her how lovely the world is around, how you can rise, how you can find like-minded people to cheer you up, instead of focusing on darkness and pain. She says that nobody can understand, that what she experienced as a child can’t be repaired and that it’s not about her – she simply can’t move past the trauma. She is stuck in it. She wants to understand things that can’t be understood.

I don’t have the keys to make her feel better. I have my own doubts and painful moments. But I don’t want to dwell on them. I am making my way up and I can’t stand anymore talking hours about the crazy people of our lives. There are so many good ones who deserve our attention.

She is feeling more alone than ever these days. I am feeling a bit guilty. Till I remember my life is important. I am important. And I can’t stay down the hole because it feels better for somebody else.

I know I can’t do anything. Only accepting her, her pain, her lack of confidence, her messed up thoughts. And it’s the hardest part of our relationship, as I am choosing happiness and a better life for me and Mister Pop.

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15 thoughts on “You can’t change others (pretty hard to accept it and let go)

  1. Hi Marie,

    I am so sorry for the suffering your mom is undergoing and it always passes on to the dearest members of the family who have to see her breaking bit by bit every single day. It is very hard for a daughter to see her own mother in this condition. I know it is not easy, I have been through such difficult times. You can’t expect much from her. You have to have patience, empathy and compassion.
    I am amazed at your own positivity in the kind of circumstances you have been placed in. I am praying for you and your mother dear friend. May God grant his compassion and love for both of you. Certain situations are beyond our control but time changes. Spring always comes after harsh winter. Hope is the only choice. Hugs and love from your dear friend.

    Liked by 1 person

    • You’re right Balroop, hope and faith are the only choices. I do hope and trust God’s love. I spent many years with her in this dark place. And not so long ago I realised this was not the place I wanted to stay in. I am moving on but that does not change the love. I just see her and her pain from another place. And it’s easier to bear for me.
      Thank you for your kind words and support. It means a lot.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m so happy that you see the light and joy in your life in spite of your mother’s pain. You can’t reside there with her and you can only help her rise up. However, when you’re spending all of your energy to help her and seeing little results, you have to accept that she won’t/isn’t capable to change. Just love the quote you’ve shared.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks a million Lisa. Yes that’s it. I don’t know whether she is not ready to change or she can’t change. But the fact is I have to move on or I’ll be caught in the same crazy circle. And only if I am out of it, I have a chance to help her. Maybe.

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  3. My dear marie, it takes a wise daughter to say those things. That sounds like a tough situation to be in, to see someone close to you to go through pain that you cannot help with. Others may not acknowledge her, but she has you and your little cutie to bring her a smile every day. Maybe she just needs someone like you to keep fighting for her, and you are doing the right thing Marie. You are doing the right thing.

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    • Thank you so much Amie for your words of support. It means a lot my friend. It’s hard to see that whatever happens, she can’t seem to find something to be happy about. She is trying I am sure. But she think she can’t, that happiness is not for her.
      I remain hopeful, God is working through her.
      Much love.

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  4. You had mentioned before that the legacy of your grandmother has affected your mother. I am so sad for her. Nothing will be changed until she changes it, but it is so utterly sad to see those you love going in circles.
    Hugs to you and your mom.

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    • That’s it Salma. It won’t change. It’s hard to accept. But accepting it gives me the chance to move on from a place to another and be at peace, even if she is not.
      Thanks a million.

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  5. Oh Marie! My heart hurts for you as you try to manage your mom’s struggles and yet detach from them for your OWN health and happiness! You shared your emotions so beautifully here, and with great insight my friend.

    It is truly up to her to find that peace, that joy, that perspective. And some people prefer to be exactly where they are, and there is simply nothing you can do about it. It’s so so hard to accept and to live with people who want to stay suffering. I pray you can continue to put you FIRST and stay on your own intentional course, as you try to continue to connect with her as hard as it may be. Let go, when you need to let go. It’s terribly painful to have people you love stay ‘stuck’. I’m so sorry.

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  6. Hello sis Marie..we all go through different trials in our lives but what keeps us stronger in knowing God will never leave us and some people who is always there to comfort us. Your presence is very well appreciated sis Marie. Visiting you sis 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Always nice to read you Ate Sie. You are so strong and kind. I pray God makes you life easier and beautiful. It may takes us some time to see the light but once it’s there, it never leaves us. Much love.

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  7. Oh hun, hugs to you. Must be so difficult to see your mum like that. But you are right you can’t always change people. You can only help her change if she is willing to..and it seems like she isn’t

    Good on you to looking forward and stay positive. Negativity around you can bring you down too. I hope your mum does start looking at positives soon x

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    • It’s hard but becoming easier with time. I know I don’t have the power to make her happy. She is only one who has it. She might not know it, thought.
      Thank you for your kind words Foz. Stay well my friend. xx

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