Sometime the only thing that you can do is step back for a while. And look at things from a certain distance.
It’s not easy. It may be tricky. You may want to jump in the mess and try to change things.
But a little voice inside you tells you that you can’t change people.
It’s so hard when it’s somebody you love. It’s very hard when it’s a closed one, a family member. It’s terrible when you know that whatever you do, whatever you may say to this person, she will stay the same, with her past trauma and her lack of confidence.
You may want to do something but you are left doing nothing. Just looking and waiting. Because there is nothing you can do really.
You can hope and pray.
And let go.
I’ve been seeing my mum sad for the past 34 years. She felt better till she felt bad again. Depression. Cancer. Nothing seems to cheer her up more than 5 minutes. She says she’s ok till she confesses she can’t make it till the next day. She is waiting for some people to acknowledge her worth – the wrong people, the ones who will never tell her how great she is.
I have to say that some days I am not patient with her. I am a bit rude. I’d like to shake her and show her how lovely the world is around, how you can rise, how you can find like-minded people to cheer you up, instead of focusing on darkness and pain. She says that nobody can understand, that what she experienced as a child can’t be repaired and that it’s not about her – she simply can’t move past the trauma. She is stuck in it. She wants to understand things that can’t be understood.
I don’t have the keys to make her feel better. I have my own doubts and painful moments. But I don’t want to dwell on them. I am making my way up and I can’t stand anymore talking hours about the crazy people of our lives. There are so many good ones who deserve our attention.
She is feeling more alone than ever these days. I am feeling a bit guilty. Till I remember my life is important. I am important. And I can’t stay down the hole because it feels better for somebody else.
I know I can’t do anything. Only accepting her, her pain, her lack of confidence, her messed up thoughts. And it’s the hardest part of our relationship, as I am choosing happiness and a better life for me and Mister Pop.