Down memory lane

As I was changing my blog theme and scrolling through old posts, I stopped for a while to think about the beginning of this adventure.

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It started with a blog called “The color of our skin”. I wanted to show people that two people from different backgrounds, different skin colors, and different religions could love each other. I thought it was Love. Till I realized it was manipulation and violence.

How can you mix both? How can you take one for the other, when Love is Light and Manipulation is Darkness? How can you be so wrong about somebody? How can you take selfishness for an excess of sensibility?

In between, I got married and travelled to Egypt. I said “Yes” thinking “No” but reassuring myself that after marriage things will get much better, that he will be happy at last. And his happiness will make me a different person. I got good at convincing myself that I was ready for this life, that I was ready for Egypt, that I was ready for solitude.

My blog name changed. I was now “A heart in transit”. I was between two lives: between Egypt and Ireland / between an old version of myself and this “new me” that I was building to face the challenges of my marriage.

How can you change so much to please someone? How can you lose yourself, lose your way, lose your mind? How you can live with so little self-love? How can you accept to be treated like a carpet and think that you just deserve what you get?

One night, I said “no more”. I was five months pregnant and I decided to leave. Leave Ireland. Leave my flat. Leave my friends. Leave my job. Leave my miserable life. In less than 72 hours, I packed one suitcase and with fear attached to every part of my being, I flew back to France.

Just before this, I changed my blog name to “Let It Be”. I was trying my best to stick to the life I had chosen. But it was too hard. Too much silence. Too many harsh words. Too much pain. I was a ghost in my own body, an empty mind. I was still trying to make it work, when everything around was telling me that it was not worth it. Too many lies. Too many threats.

How can you lose track of who you are? How can you change so much that when you look at yourself in the mirror, you see a stranger? How can somebody destroy you? How can you let somebody destroy you?

Back in France. Back to life. Back to who I am, to who I was before all this mess. Back to me, to my roots, to my dreams. Back to my laughs and my joys.

My blog helped me on the crazy road. My readers were there in time of hardships, supporting me with their words and their love. They never let go of my hands. One day, it was time to move on. And I changed my blog name again. It became “Mahshi & Marshmallow”. Two treats / Two parts of my little boy story / Two sides of me.

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23 thoughts on “Down memory lane

  1. Marie, this is so moving. The growth that you have went through and just reading about your journey gives me such goosebumps. Your journey is not over my friend, I wish you only good on the road ahead;-)

    Liked by 1 person

  2. My dear Marie, colour of skin still has nothing to do with it. You just got a rotten apple. There are just selfish, manipulative, inconsiderate people out there.
    I was married to a possessive, immature jerk and it took everything I had to be brave and end it. Right after, I found my true love. We are from different up bringings and our skin is a different colour. But that’s what we love about each other.
    Stay strong my dear, your time is still to come.
    Nazneen xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • “Rotten appel”, I like this Nazneen.
      I know this has nothing to do with skin colour, or even culture, and religion. I did not know you were married to the same kind of crazy man. Stopping such a bad relationship is the best gift we can give to ourselves. You did it, good for you.
      Love, true love is what makes the difference. Every Time.
      Thank you and stay blessed my friend.
      xoxo

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  3. Wow, you are so courageous, Marie! It’s so important to look back once and while and see where you’ve been and how far you have traveled. You are beautiful and amazing to make that change you so needed and get away from the abuse. You’re an inspiration. I love how you wrote this piece too. The image is gorgeous! Now, I must read you original posts linked in 🙂 ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks Lisa! It’s what makes this blog a special place to me, a way to see where it all started and where I am now. With precious people by my side, helping me on the way.
      A treasure.

      Like

  4. Hi Marie,

    I have seen and felt your struggle…I have seen you get out of that awkward situation you got into…I have felt your pain and loneliness through your words and I must say – I salute you for taking this journey all alone, for taking a very difficult decision, for snatching yourself back in time.

    Life is weird but if we handle it well after certain unpleasant situations, it offers new hopes, fresh avenues and happy moments…fleeting they may be but they are ours. Stay blessed dear friend. Hugs and love from my side.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Balroop, it was tough at the time but I know now that it was the best decision I could take.
      You are very right, Life has a way to show us things and tell us stories, unpleasant sometimes, but showing us the Light after all. Love wins!
      Much love from Paris and Thank you for being there on the road.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Marie, I only knew you when you became Mahshi and mashrshmallow :). Wow , I did not knew you went through all these names. Anyways, as I always say love should not make you loose yourself, even your love for your own kids, a healthy relationship should lift you up and brings the best in you. May you find your true love soon.

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    • Definitely Amira. For the moment I am in the phase “loving myself and setting boundaries in all areas of my life”. Love is all around. Love will come one day. I don’t rush into it. I wish to find the right one this time.
      Thanks for your kind words dear.

      Like

  6. Hi Marie, so sorry haven’t been around as much commenting! Life just got a bit crazy and then for some reason was having probs accessing your blog!

    You have been through so much hun, but have out stronger!

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  7. Dear Marie, you’ve been so brave. ❤ I'm happy that I know you and that I found in you a companion on a similar journey towards self-love and boundaries. Stay well my friend xxx

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