As I was changing my blog theme and scrolling through old posts, I stopped for a while to think about the beginning of this adventure.
It started with a blog called “The color of our skin”. I wanted to show people that two people from different backgrounds, different skin colors, and different religions could love each other. I thought it was Love. Till I realized it was manipulation and violence.
How can you mix both? How can you take one for the other, when Love is Light and Manipulation is Darkness? How can you be so wrong about somebody? How can you take selfishness for an excess of sensibility?
In between, I got married and travelled to Egypt. I said “Yes” thinking “No” but reassuring myself that after marriage things will get much better, that he will be happy at last. And his happiness will make me a different person. I got good at convincing myself that I was ready for this life, that I was ready for Egypt, that I was ready for solitude.
My blog name changed. I was now “A heart in transit”. I was between two lives: between Egypt and Ireland / between an old version of myself and this “new me” that I was building to face the challenges of my marriage.
How can you change so much to please someone? How can you lose yourself, lose your way, lose your mind? How you can live with so little self-love? How can you accept to be treated like a carpet and think that you just deserve what you get?
One night, I said “no more”. I was five months pregnant and I decided to leave. Leave Ireland. Leave my flat. Leave my friends. Leave my job. Leave my miserable life. In less than 72 hours, I packed one suitcase and with fear attached to every part of my being, I flew back to France.
Just before this, I changed my blog name to “Let It Be”. I was trying my best to stick to the life I had chosen. But it was too hard. Too much silence. Too many harsh words. Too much pain. I was a ghost in my own body, an empty mind. I was still trying to make it work, when everything around was telling me that it was not worth it. Too many lies. Too many threats.
How can you lose track of who you are? How can you change so much that when you look at yourself in the mirror, you see a stranger? How can somebody destroy you? How can you let somebody destroy you?
Back in France. Back to life. Back to who I am, to who I was before all this mess. Back to me, to my roots, to my dreams. Back to my laughs and my joys.
My blog helped me on the crazy road. My readers were there in time of hardships, supporting me with their words and their love. They never let go of my hands. One day, it was time to move on. And I changed my blog name again. It became “Mahshi & Marshmallow”. Two treats / Two parts of my little boy story / Two sides of me.