4 years relationship, divorce & a manuscript

Our relationship is already summed up in a big file, full of notes, letters, forecast budgets, solicitor fees, court ruling papers, translations, testimonies. It took 4 years to eventually close our case.

Our relationship is contained into a manuscript of 25 chapters, 165 pages, 68 000 words. I never thought I could achieve this one day. I should thank you for this. You gave me matters to discuss, feelings to explore, emotions to review in details, issues to solve. Your madness left invisible scars on my skin, in my mind. You gave me the chance to heal myself, to reconnect with the “true me”. I should thank you for this.

I need a couple of hours to finalize our 4 years relationship. I need a couple of hours to explain what happened after.

When I left I thought it was over. I was wrong. Another story started, the one that would crushed my heart in pieces but the one that would take me to the beautiful light after the chaos of the thunderstorm.

I always loved jigsaw. You must have known this. You don’t know anything about me. It’s the most difficult one I had to do, putting the pieces of my heart back together. It took me ages. Every time I thought I was on the right path, something went wrong and I had to start all over again. I am still working on it.

At the beginning writing was evidence. I needed to get you out of my head. I needed space to let go. I needed words to get rid of guilt. Healing process – dealing with grief. Ups and many downs. Then writing became a way to free my anger. I had so much resentment in me. There could not be any forgiveness. After a while, anger vanished and I started seeing things a different way. I wanted to understand.

Why you?

Why “yes”, when all my heart was shouting “no”?

Why I let you play with me in such a terrible way?

What happened in me? I had always been a happy child, a dreamer, a girl in love with life, a smiling lady. I had always been surrounded by loving and caring people.

What made me choose you? What made me think I would save you? What made me think you would save me? Save me from what?

Writing gave me the chance to answer some of these questions. Now I know why I want to finish this story. Sharing my experience is key. Sharing the worst before the best. Sharing to help. Sharing to tell the truth about you, about me, about the magnificent light, about the violence of your silences, about the pain inside my chest, about your status of victim, about my resilience, my faith.

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12 thoughts on “4 years relationship, divorce & a manuscript

  1. ***Sharing my experience is key. Sharing the worst before the best. Sharing to help. Sharing to tell the truth about you, about me, about the magnificent light, about the violence of your silences**

    WOW!

    Shivers)))

    Sharing. Writing. Words.

    Are small Gods.

    Luv U.
    x

    Liked by 1 person

  2. What made me choose you? It was the time at the moment t
    What made me think I would save you? Never, never again think you could save someone
    What made me think you would save me? Wrong thought it is not feasible
    Save me from what? Exactly!
    If you are not right in your head, how could you help someone? care for him with the right feeling? Don’t “push” someone to be the way you want, the way you thing is correct. you are not in his head 😉
    As my psychologist told me: stop being oblative……
    Take real good care of you Marie. You deserve to turn the page; you deserve a far much better and amazing life ❤

    Like

    • I know now that I can’t save or help anybody Carrie. I can only be there, listen and give advices. That’s all. We are all responsible for our choices. And sometime we can’t even save the ones we love!
      Now I know why I choose him or why he appeared in my life at this moment…
      As I write and let go, I see things and this experience through different lenses – it helps a lot.
      Thanks a million. Take care.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I know Marie, I’ve been in the same situation and our character told us to act differently. Can we make the same mistakes? May be but not that same BIG mistake and not for as long.
        Take care of yourself. You deserve such a beautiful inner peace ❤

        Liked by 1 person

  3. YES Marie…. write write write and share the madness, the pain, and the LIGHT… You can see clearly now, as the fog is lifting and your perspective shifts your view. I’m so glad you are where you are NOW.

    I’m just so glad you are discovering and perhaps even reuniting with the true you- healing takes time and faith rises from the rubble. You are so wise and such an inspiration to many, Marie! Keep growing and taking those bold courageous steps for YOU, my dear friend.

    We will all be blessed for it.

    Liked by 1 person

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