A history of “violence”

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You know people say that we are not only made by our parents, their choices, our choices in life, we are also the fruit of past generation history, pains, hopes, dreams and regrets. Yesterday, in bed, as I was about to let sleep takes me to a faraway land, something hit me. Even though I had a happy childhood, with loving parents and grandparents, who encouraged me, trusted me and did everything in their power to give me the best, violence was not far. Violence was on the dinner table, in my mother’s memories that she would share again and again, so she can heal – violence against her a child (physical and sexual violence) – violence against her mother (physical and emotional). Violence was everywhere.

My imagination created many images in my mind. Violence became part of me, as I tried to do everything to make my mum happy. I took a charge that wasn’t mine. Nobody realized it. I was such a happy and quiet child.

Life kept going and I kept moving with it without understanding why I found myself engaged in many relationships tainted by violence: I was harassed at primary school for 4 years – my first boyfriend was a battered child – I worked 3 years with a toxic and crazy fashion designer – I met my ex-husband and discovered violence is not only physical, it’s in the words, the threats, the silence too.

My grand-mother always stayed and keeps staying silent about the violence she was exposed to for many years. She says “it was not that bad”. I can’t hear this. Violence broke my mum. Violence took up power in our life. Violence made me a victim for years.

Somedays I feel that violence is inside me. I try my best to tame it. These days I need silence and peace, so I can let it go without hurting anyone around. Somedays I can’t, so I shout and bury my head in a soft cushion. It feels like violence is tattooed on my skin, like something I can’t get rid of. When my sweet boy turned 2 and started using his hands and fists when he did not get what he wanted, many memories rushed through me. The fact that young kids can’t express their emotions did not help me dealing with his outburst or anger and violence. It was like the story repeated itself.

That’s the reason why I am working a lot on me, asking for professional help when the charge is too heavy. I want to let violence behind. I don’t want violence to be part of the next chapter of our life. We learn together, celebrating victories, searching for peace, towards more light.

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9 thoughts on “A history of “violence”

  1. OH precious friend, this is heartbreaking to read, to know- and yet, you have SO MUCH LIGHT. You have transformed into beauty, love, grace, and purpose through all you have endured- all your generations have endured.

    You are so wise. I love that you are so aware of your own emotional temperature and know to seek guidance when needed. Healing takes a lifetime, this I know. ❤

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    • Tu as raison Stéphanie, c’est sûrement pour cette raison que ma grand-mère n’est pas partie, elle. Même si elle a essayé. C’était trop pour l’époque, on ne parlait pas de ces choses là. J’en viens doucement à bout. La naissance de mon fils a réveillé pas mal de choses à bien des niveaux. Quand j’ai su que c’était un garçon ça m’a soulagée dans un sens. Même si il y a encore du travail à faire pour se sortir de ce cycle négatif. Merci pour ta lecture. Je t’embrasse.

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  2. Marie–You are not defined by your history,
    but by what you do NOW.
    You are a light in a dark world.
    What I find awesome is how you can visualize your history of violence and evolve into
    something completely different, immaculate, and beautiful.
    …because you. are. a new creation. MUCH LOVE xxxxxxxxxxxxx from Duluth.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. This is quite a revelation, Marie. The fact that the violence was an unwanted family heirloom you’ve had the burden of carrying, says so much about how far you’ve come! I’m so sorry that you’ve been exposed as a young child to the anger and abuse. Seeking professional help is a huge step forward. As others have said here, you ARE the LIGHT. You are an amazing mother.

    When you said this: “It feels like violence is tattooed on my skin, like something I can’t get rid of.” It brought a tear to my eye. I can understand the feeling. But you are moving forward and that tattoo will fade eventually. Love to you!! Hugs!

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  4. Tes mots me touchent tellement Marie…
    Ce parcours de violence je le connais aussi.
    Je me demande si ce ne sont pas des schémas que l’on répète.
    J’ai compris et pris conscience que cette violence n’est pas la mienne, elle ne m’appartient pas.
    Aujourd’hui, je la refuse net.
    Je ne sais plus où j’ai lu que l’univers nous envoi ce que l’on accepte, cette phrase peut être abrupte au premier abord. mais j’ai quand même décidé de l’appliquer à la lettre.
    En faisant un travail profond et quasi quotidien de ce que je veux dans ma vie, autour de moi (l’entourage compte tellement), et ce que je ne tolère plus.
    Je ne sais pas si plus jamais je ne serai confrontée à ce genre de situation, mais en tout cas cela me permet de m’affirmer chaque jour un peu plus, de poser mes limites, et puis je reprend d’avantage les rênes de ma vie (mon bolide de vie comme j’aime le dire, c’est moi qui pilote !).
    Cette violence ne t’appartient pas Marie.
    Ce qui t’appartient c’est cette force et toutes les capacités que tu as mises en œuvre pour t’en sortir, tu es une survivante, une amazone, une douce guerrière qui garde la tête haute.
    Bigre, j’en suis toute émue…
    Des bisous Marie

    Liked by 1 person

    • Je crois qu’on les répète parce qu’on les connait Nora. Même si ces schémas sont “mauvais”, ils sont inconsciemment “rassurants” ou alors nous somme programmés par ce qu’on nous a répété pendant des années. Voir ma mère souffrir de son enfance et ma grand-mère considérer cette violence comme dérisoire m’a donné d’expérimenter toutes formes de violence pour arriver enfin à dire stop, à casser la chaine. Je pense que ça dépend aussi de notre sensibilité. J’ai une soeur que cette réalité n’a pas du tout affectée.
      Je crois que tu as raison, l’univers nous envoie ce que nous souhaitons expérimenter. J’ai voulu comprendre la violence subie par ma mère et la vie m’a donné ces épreuves, jusqu’à l’ultime à laquelle j’ai mis un terme.
      “Tu es une survivante, une amazone, une douce guerrière qui garde la tête haute” tes mots me bouleversent. MILLE MERCI Nora. Je t’embrasse bien affectueusement.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Hi Marie,
    I am deeply touched by your words and you are very brave to have written about it. There are people who bury those memories within them, refusing to accept that violence monsters were around them. I am glad that you are taking professional help to heal, which is a life long process dear friend. We have to accept that we were not responsible for any of those unpleasant experiences, we have to forgive all who hurt us to move on. Forgiveness comes slowly, with a great effort and you are at the right path. May all the blessings be showered on you to wipe out that tattoo. Love and hugs!

    Liked by 1 person

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