You have somebody from your workplace on the phone, crying, feeling low, feeling like her world is collapsing with every breath. She can’t take it anymore. Her health issues are getting worse. Every one of her words is a “call for help”. Between the tears, you hear “if it does not stop, I will soon be dead”, “my daughter will be left without a mum”, “I will not last long”.
What would you do?
Is listening enough? Or should you talk to somebody else about it?
But without her permission, it’s tricky, isn’t it?
Where do you stand where you are a confident? Are you doing something that you should not do by telling somebody else?
Your help would be much appreciated.
Will you forever go
Will you forever leave this world
Will you take with you all unanswered questions
Will you last a bit longer
Will you be able to say something
Or will you leave with the last words said?
When kids are small we wish for them to grow, so we could breath a bit between chores, games and responsabilities. And then one day they are old enough to tell you that they don’t want any more cuddles, or nicknames in front of their friends. Old enough to walk alone to school and to spend days without asking for you.
You realize that your child is not a small kid anymore, even if he is only 9 years old. At his age – do you remember? – maybe you were the same. Maybe you wanted to be independant and break free, maybe you were only thinking about being with your friends…
Anyway, when you look at photos, something is telling you that many things will never be the same again. It feels good and yet a bit of nostalgia is taking over and you try as much as you can to deal with it, at your own pace.
You know for sure that your child is not your child, Khalil Gibran penned it so well, you can relate to it when you feel lost. He’s a child of the world and so your mission is to let him find his place and fly with strong wings as far as he’d like to go. When you see many struggling to have kids, many in pain with loss and grief, with empty nest and so much love to share, you start looking at what you hold in your hands, a wish, a life and you feel grateful to be able to be the first witness of growth – even if it’s tough at times! !!
How did you handle preteen years? Did you find it easy to let go?
When you leave an abusive relationship, you are driven by fear. At some point you know that if you stay, you’ll die, one way or another. And if you have kids, that they are at great risk too. You may not be able to say that it’s the right choice, because your thoughts are not clear, your mind is dealing with many contradictions; guilt and shame are your best friends for years.
You’ll find on your way back to life, many voices that will make you doubt your decisions to get out of a domestic abuse situation. It will be friends and professionnals. And it will be tough to listen to those people, who seem to know better than you what you went though and what you ought to do to start again. You will listen at first and you will feel less and less powerful, more and more under stress, pressure. All your energy seems gone to a land where you can’t catch it again.
Obviously, the person committing abbuse will do everything to win your back; your kids will be used for bartering —so easy! Many people think that it’s just about leaving domestic abuse, when in fact it’s so much more. It’s about finding yourself again, in a battle that looks like it will never ever end. And, also, it’s about keeping your kids safe and well.
Kids are the priority
Often people tell you—now that you’re out and ready to start a new life away from your abuser—that you have to take care of yourself. On paper, this looks great for sure, but in reality, if you have kids, you will want to protect them first. How can you think about yourself, when for years you have been nothing, and when you have been told you were good for nothing. First things first. Getting out of domestic abuse will cost you: 1. insomnia, 2. a great deal of money to find the best lawyer, 3. countless thoughts about whether you should give him/her another chance…again.
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