A little thing – that will be nothing for others, or close to nothing – can make me shiver. And then I dive into a space where I can only see my flaws.
I feel like a child, looking at the world for the first time and thinking it’s a magical place. No harm around. I feel safe. And then it happens. And like a child, I feel overwhelmed. My emotions are raw, deep. I feel squeezed between so many feelings.
Like a slap on my face, my balance is at stake. If only there could be somebody to hold me so I won’t be falling. But I crash and I soon feel empty. Like I only deserve what I got. Like I got punished for believing in something that don’t exist.
The world is not always that place where you can be and feel free. Freedom is a beautiful world. But it comes with a price. If you are not aware that you have to pay it, you find yourself lost half-way.
I can’t change the world. I just have to learn to take my place in it. Not that easy. Cause I have a hard time seeing it as it is.
She conquered her freedom
Behind the deep blue veil of the sea
Love was only a mirage
In the exchange of promises
To care and be there – always
Words came and went
Like the wind on a stormy night
They were made of broken glass
Just empty feelings
And nowhere to hide
Emprisonned inside her own mind
And crazy wishes
To end the darkness of her endless night
She set herself free
Found the key to witness the beauty
Of a purple new dawn
We are many to know that our life is not the way it should be. Yet it’s not always easy to stop the mess we are in. We need time to find our way back to ourselves. Peace and freedom are not illusions. They exist. We just have to stop, look and decide what’s best for us, at one given time. From this place, we can start on a new road. A better one for sure.
How did you start again? When did you know you couldn’t keep going and you had to make a change in your life as it was?
There was something before him. I wrote everything. I remember half of it. His love – today – does even change the past. Not what happened. But how I relate to it.
It’s less and less painful. I am moving to a place where I know myself better. Where I understand what happened better too.
Fear, it was.
Fear of not being accepted. Not being loved. I mean not being loveable. Or enough. Yes, this is it. These people who drag you down, they see themselves before seeing you. They think they are close to perfection. And you, not. You are millions steps away from it. And their job is to make you better. You should even feel blessed to have crossed their path. This is just bullshit.
So we were fake together. We didn’t work. We were not happy. Obviously. We got together for the wrong reasons. I was looking for recognition. I wanted to be useful. I wanted to count. And I got nothing but poor attention. I couldn’t count cause I wouldn’t match the perfect image of the perfect wife in a perfect mariage.
That’s it. Part of life experiences. I got lucky to escape and start again. It’s like winning the World Cup – I guess. Being able to stop the mess and start on a new track. Better road. Better people. No contest. Just be. Just love. Just live.
Kids love full houses. Voices. And people. And playing. Laughing. Games and big tables. Snacks and treats.
Maybe it’s the hardest part. The one that says, on a daily basis, it’s just the two of us.
Just him and me.
And seeing him missing something. The people. The voices. The fun. The funny part of life. Missing his friends as soon as we are back home. Missing his grand-parents as soon as they are back home.
When I feel down, I feel guilty.
But some days are good. Some days are even great fun. Just the two of us.
But I know he is in need of something more. So we go out. And spend days with family. And we meet people. And I try not to feel blue too often, or at least leave the blues for later. When he is in bed. And I remember the chance we have to be where we are.
Do we remember each one of them in the vastness of life?
Or do we keep only ones, ones with a difference. Ones with something special. Memories we keep in mind and revisit when we feel like
it’s time to remember something. So other things can make sense.
And when nothing make sense, maybe it’s good to look outside and watch nature unfolding its treasures. Just un front of our eyes.
They say that green is the color of hope. Green is everywhere these days,. Surely, we miss the sun. But rain is giving us this brightness, these colors, so we can breath in the power of nature revealing itself, blooming.
I am like everybody else, I like the warmth of yellow sparks. But I also love the music of the rain, the scent of it, the freshness, I like being in and out, celebrating with nature, watching kids jumping in puddles, with a bright smile on their faces. I love being with people not scared about it. So we can enjoy and feel free together.
Rain is like magical powder that chase away my deepest fears and pains.
How do you feel about rain? Tell me all about it my friends…
Away with the sun
Chasing blue skies
In the arms of a lifelong
Words come when I don’t expect them to show up. If I can’t catch them, I let them go. Or I find myself in a place of struggle. I don’t need more these days. I got enough on my plate. Some will say it’s all about being hypersensitive. Maybe. For me, it’s about digesting life events and news that don’t make sense to me. It’s about healing. And healing takes time…