Don’t close your eyes

Copyright Marie Kléber

It’s hard not to. Not to remember this night. Hard to see the number 13 on the screen and feel nothing. It’s hard to forget. Hard to behave like none of this happened.

We can try. Some are good at it. Some are good at closing their eyes. Some don’t want to remember. Cause it’s too tough. Cause it’s too soon maybe. Cause they don’t see why this would make a difference.

I don’t want to close my eyes. I don’t want to forget. Even if it makes me shiver. Even if it’s far from what I believe and pray for. Even if I don’t understand and if I’d rather see love than blood on the day screens.

I can say it does not matter. I was not one of them. I was out of the mess of this terrible night. I’d lie. I was there, crying, feeling the pain of those who died, of those who survived. I was there, knowing our world would never be the same again, letting go of layers of fears, trying to find solace in kid’s innocent smiles.

When darkness threatens the foundations of our lives, we can’t keep going like nothing is real. We ought to walk, confident, holding to hope like a second skin, towards the light.

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A very special day

Copyright Marie Kléber

It happened by surprise. One day, it came and never left.
I had it within me? Maybe.

For what I know it was a simple joy that became my worst nightmare for 4 years. Just at the idea of it, I could feel my body aching and my mind racing. It was the time of the day I’d like to skip, the hour I wanted to erase from the memories.

The first years after that, it was tough. I would find myself hearing voices and feel like crap again.

One day it changed. One day it felt natural. One day I would find solace in it. One day I relalized it was one of my way to say “I love you”.

The day the love of cooking came into my life was a very special day…

 

Anger, guilt, family and forgiveness

There was a time when I was full of anger and guilt.

Then I learnt about forgiveness. I looked behind and realized that the people who love me did the best they could with what they had at a special time.

They made amends. They acknowledged that they made mistakes, out of fear most of the time

I was afraid I could never go beyond what they thought was good for me. I was afraid to deceive them if I took a special road – afraid not to be able to trust my choice in front of them, disagreeing with it. And if I was to fail, afraid that they would come to me saying “we knew you would not make it”.

Then I forgave them. And started moving away slowly, very slowly from a place where pleasing others was my rule number one, where approval was key to a place where I started listening to my own voice.

I am less influenced by what they may think is right or wrong. I am learning to think by myself, for myself.  I am more confident too.

And with forgiveness came love, a love that accepts them as they are. Without wishing them to believe what I believe, without asking them to understand my choices either. If they do it’s a must of course!

School, confidence and fitting in

School started a couple of weeks ago.

And some teachers are already starting telling kids about next year! There are 9 more months left to go. No rush.

We start hearing things such as…

She doesn’t write inside the lines. He is not working quick enough. She is too quiet. He is too loud. She should work harder. He should be sure of himself.

Gosh, they are only 4, 5 or 6 years old. How does this help self-confidence?

It’s not why they are going to shcool – to learn. Or I missed something and now they should go to school knowing everything. And school is just there to check that they know.

I learnt that teachers are starting writing notes to get appointment with parents. To explain what? That their kids don’t fit in. Fit in what? Average boxes?

When I was a kid I hated the fact that school wanted all children to be the same. Differences were not a positive thing. In 30 years nothing changed. It’s even worse. Kids are already pointed at, 4 weeks after the start of school. Teachers have a program, so no time for the ones who don’t go fast enough.

Whatever they will tell me, I know my kid, I chose my side.

New Reality

I was standing there thinking how nice it was to be just there with you. I wondered if you felt the same way I did.

I was standing thinking that it was that simple, that all the chaos I entertained before was just a way to avoid reality – that reality. As if happiness was something out of reach, something too good enough for me. As if I was made for chaos and pain. Only.

I was standing there thanking you for writing with me this new chapter of our lives.

You live by my side

Copyright Marie Kleber

I came, I sit down by your side and I let the tears flow.

I don’t know why. I had things to let go.

You are in dust and prayers, underneath the earth.

Still, you are there with me, in the subtle midst of memories.

I wonder why you had to go such a long time ago, why I can only be with you by thought.

And yet when I visit, sit down near your grave; I feel your presence, I hear your heartbeat, you are never too far.

You live by my side. Forever you.

Is there only one “truth”?

 

We tend to think that we own the « truth ». Which truth?

Is there only one?

Or each one of us can compose its own melody?

We are quick to judge someone’s behavior.

But did we try to see where he/she comes from? Or what he/she wants to experience out of this?

I don’t think there is one way to live.

We ought to be more empathic and don’t always see things from our perspective only. Sometimes we ought to walk in other people’s shoes. Just so we could let go of all the things we believe were “true”.

Months of understanding

It took me months to realize that the past was the past, and the past has nothing to do with the present anymore.

It took me months to acknowledge happiness.

It took me months to stop fearing the silence of others.

It took me months to be at ease with saying “no” to something I did not want to do, without feeling guilty.

It took me months to feel free in my own body, unafraid of nakedness.

It took me months to embrace the new, challenge my beliefs.

It took me months to overcome the darkest hours where I thought a word said, unsaid could change the face of my world

It took me months to realize that whatever I lived before, that had nothing to do with love.

Out of the messy years

Crédit Marie Kléber

I said « I can leave this here, I’ll be back».

Did I really mean it?

I’m not sure. Maybe I wanted to believe it. I was trying to remain hopeful in a situation that was hopeless.

Between silences and not being good enough, I was catching every chance to keep my head outside of turmoil and filthy waters.

It’s crazy how good we are to lie to ourselves.

If we had come back, it would have been for good. No chance to return home, without his signature on a paper. I would have been dependant on him for everything.

I wonder if I knew, if it mattered at this time. Or if I was just ready to live a life stripped of love, respect and light. Just so I would not break my promise, the “yes” I uttered, unable to say “no”.

I won’t say I did not love him. It’ll be a lie. I loved him. Not for the good reasons. I loved him, hands tied up, mouth full of fear to say the wrong thing, always on alert, knowing every moment could turn from happiness to nightmare, in the blink of an eye.

When I left Egypt after ten days holidays, I think I wanted to reassure myself that my life was with him, that what I lived was fine – after all if I was perfect the way he wanted me to be, life would be easy.

Love should never ask you to change who you are to fit in a world that’s not yours.

Out of the messy years in such intricate chaos, I learnt to respect myself.