A history of “violence”

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You know people say that we are not only made by our parents, their choices, our choices in life, we are also the fruit of past generation history, pains, hopes, dreams and regrets. Yesterday, in bed, as I was about to let sleep takes me to a faraway land, something hit me. Even though I had a happy childhood, with loving parents and grandparents, who encouraged me, trusted me and did everything in their power to give me the best, violence was not far. Violence was on the dinner table, in my mother’s memories that she would share again and again, so she can heal – violence against her a child (physical and sexual violence) – violence against her mother (physical and emotional). Violence was everywhere.

My imagination created many images in my mind. Violence became part of me, as I tried to do everything to make my mum happy. I took a charge that wasn’t mine. Nobody realized it. I was such a happy and quiet child.

Life kept going and I kept moving with it without understanding why I found myself engaged in many relationships tainted by violence: I was harassed at primary school for 4 years – my first boyfriend was a battered child – I worked 3 years with a toxic and crazy fashion designer – I met my ex-husband and discovered violence is not only physical, it’s in the words, the threats, the silence too.

My grand-mother always stayed and keeps staying silent about the violence she was exposed to for many years. She says “it was not that bad”. I can’t hear this. Violence broke my mum. Violence took up power in our life. Violence made me a victim for years.

Somedays I feel that violence is inside me. I try my best to tame it. These days I need silence and peace, so I can let it go without hurting anyone around. Somedays I can’t, so I shout and bury my head in a soft cushion. It feels like violence is tattooed on my skin, like something I can’t get rid of. When my sweet boy turned 2 and started using his hands and fists when he did not get what he wanted, many memories rushed through me. The fact that young kids can’t express their emotions did not help me dealing with his outburst or anger and violence. It was like the story repeated itself.

That’s the reason why I am working a lot on me, asking for professional help when the charge is too heavy. I want to let violence behind. I don’t want violence to be part of the next chapter of our life. We learn together, celebrating victories, searching for peace, towards more light.

An invaluable lesson

When Jennifer told me she would be in Paris and would love to meet, the first thought that crossed my mind is « I can’t do this ». It’s not that I did not want to see her or anything lik thise, it’s just that the first words that came through my mind were “not good enough”.

I hate these three words.

But they rush like blood into my veins every time I am facing a new situation, a situation that involves new people.

And then, something happened in my mind. I heard a voice saying “what – not good enough – you’re joking!”

I was not.

I mean we were talking about Jennifer Burden there – the founder & CEO of World Moms Network, the woman with ideas, passion, who got involved with the UN Foundation and even got to meet the UN Secretary General, Ban ki-Moon.

I was so scared.

And then I answered “Fabulous, I can’t wait to meet you”, thinking that I still had 3 weeks to get ready.

Crazy!

And then I realized there was nothing to fear. I realized all this “not good enough” bullshit was not about me. It was about all the assholes I met before. I make the choice to stop this voice in my head.

I was good enough. I am good enough. I am even better than “good enough”. I am me. And I am beautiful.

So we met.

And I can say that we had a fabulous time. Meeting Jennifer was like meeting an old friend. We had so much to share about our lives, doubts, dreams. We enjoyed this special moment. It was a special treat to me. I met an open-minded and delicious woman. She was not one to fear or be afraid of. We were just two women happy to connect.

A week later, it was Purnima’s – senior editor at WMN – turn to be in Paris with her family. The bad voice did not come back. I would have told her “shut up” anyway. And again we shared a nice moment all together. It was even hard letting her and her family go.

I am so grateful to have met these wonderful ladies and to have overcome my fears. They both taught me an invaluable lesson:

Be who you are. Be proud of your choices. And the world will embrace you. And you will shine. And the world will shine with you!

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Books, friends, fundraising and creation

 

In September last year I shared with you inspiring projects by fabulous ladies! Don’t get me wrong, some men are doing great things too. But I like to honor the ladies here – no offense!

So, let’s see what’s going on around:

  • Lisa released her New Book – A Divorce Companion (a must read for all people facing divorce, all people recovering from it and even all people touched a way or another by this life-changing experience)
  • Marie (Deep Stones)  is creating wonderful bracelets with semi-precious stones – all made with generosity and kindness. I am in Love with her work.
  • Trish is about to set off on a new journey – a walk of 2,190 mile (Appalachian Trail) to fundraise for Kay’s Kisses “Sharing love, books, and gifts with children recovering from domestic violence”. Go check her website and support her along the way – this is just AWESOME!
  • Another book by Balroop Singh (Allow Yourself to be a better person) – I can tell you only one thing – you’ll love it. Why? Cause she is writing from the heart and nothing can ever be better than this voice inside sharing what counts.
  • My friend in Corsica is raising money for KMG Ethiopia – a charity organization working for Women’s Rights.

Any inspiring project to share with us? I am all for any you have in mind…

I’d love to have tea with you…

You remember when we met so early in the morning, it’s still dark outside and the air was quite cold. We were wearing our runners and warm jackets over jumpers made with wool. You’d wait for me at the corner of the main street. We’d have a look at the sea before starting our trip. We’d walk under the moon, then under the sun or the dark clouds, depending on the weather forecast, for two, three, four hours. We’d talk about life and whatever was in our minds these days, doubts, pain, wishes, sweet dreams and trips back home being planned for a couple of days – France for me – a couple of weeks – Arizona for  you.

I miss you, your shining smile, your heart as big and sweet as – as what – as a chocolate pudding with ice cream on top, your hugs making me feel fully alive. I miss our talks and the way we used to support each other.

I miss stopping by your home and seeing that you get a new juicer, fresh fruits and this green paste that sounded like torture to me, you said was so healthy. You’d prepare some tea and we’d sit down outside, telling each other how great it’s to be single, sharing our must reads and trying to figure out what the future holds for us.

I miss you, your tears – you were never afraid of letting them go. I’d listen to you trying to love yourself. I thought – I still think – you’re such a gem, a precious person, a wonderful friend. I know I am blessed to have you in my life even though we only see each other once a year, even though we don’t talk that much in between.

I wish I could leave work today and have tea with you. I’d show you around. We would walk in the garden, sit for a while; we’d look at the world and rejoice to be together.

I miss you today my friend.

I am a Dreamer @WMN

Last week a family member answered one of my questions by « you are such a dreamer! ». This was not a compliment. This was a statement saying something like this “you are so naïve” – “you’re 36, wake up”. I heard this before. I’ve heard it since I took the first step into adulthood.

It made me think. What’s wrong about being a dreamer? What’s right about not being one? Should I stop dreaming now? Why? Why should I stop being who I am? Why should I follow the crowd?

Big things happened in this world because at some stage people thought these things were possible.

Everything starts with an idea. Everything is set into motion because people have a dream and believe in it. They make it happen. They have faith.

Do narrow-minded people have dreams?

They don’t. They accept things as they are. Even if these things don’t please them. And if they have some, they don’t follow them, surely thinking it’s not worth it.

Back to the conversation we were having…

Read my full article on World Moms Network

Happy Thanksgiving!

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It’s about time.

On your side of the world you are getting ready.

To celebrate Thanksgiving

And I wish

You Love

Much love

Shared with the ones

You Love

And a good meal on the table

Kisses and snuggles

And I want to thank you

For being wonderful

For being you

For your words

I cherish them

And your light

It touches my heart

Thank you

For your friendship

Your kindness

Thank you

For never giving up

For showing me

It’s all about

Love

It’s all about

Acknowledging our power

And living life fully

Eyes wide open

And letting our hearts

Meet others hearts

Finding peace

In chaotic hours

Thank you

For showing me the way

And telling me that

Being proud

Is not a weakness

But a way to

Celebrate human life

And God’s creation

May you have blessed day

May you have a wonderful day!

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In Between…

When you’ve been through abuse, when you’ve experienced bullying and harassment and /or emotional violence (sometime much more), it takes time to realize that all men are not like the one you’ve been with for « x » amount of time.

It’s hard to hear your friend complaining about her boyfriend or husband and to decide whether (or not) what they are dealing with is just “normal” argument between two people in love.

It’s hard to acknowledge that some people are really happy.

It’s hard to trust men again. It’s hard to open your heart.

It’s hard to be confident about you, about the power you have to set up the limits you need for your next relationship.

It’s hard to see friends happy and in love, always wondering “what if”?

It takes time to get over the past, to let go of all the feelings and emotions you experienced.

It takes time to realize that some men are good – good husbands – good friends – good dads. And that what they want is just the exact same thing you want.

It takes time to let love fill the space in your heart and rejoice for others happiness.

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I’m still “in between”…

Acknowledging that some stories are good

Some meant to happen for a reason…

Others must be forgotten…

And many are complicated but beautiful.

Angel Vibes

She comes from above. I can see her. She has a name. She is smiling, telling me I am safe. She didn’t lose any battle. She survived them all.

I can feel her, close to me. She is caressing my face, drained by tears. She’s talking to me, with gentle words “don’t worry, I am there, you’re not alone.”

She is calling me by my name. She is showing me the way – out of this place of despair. She is telling me not to go home tonight, to call a friend, to let go.

She is so far away and so alive in this moment.  She is like a friend by my side, supporting my pain, shooting inside my veins the energy I need to face fear without being afraid. As I stay under the rain, soaked from head to toe, feeling like a shadow, I feel the warmth of her smile, the raw kindness of her soul enveloping me, southing my shaking body.

She is an angel. She is a like the rising sun. She is empowering me.

I left.

Him. And all the messy memories.

I saved my life.

She prepared the way and put loving marks on the road so I won’t feel lost.

She left and came back.

Every time I cried in the starless nights. Every time I felt I could not make another step. Every minute I would rather die than face the emptiness, the heaviness of my belly, full of life.

She never let go of my hand.

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I told you she is an angel. The one with her name on her grave. She did not die. She is rising above the clouds, above the storm, above the hurricane that shatter so many lives.

She showed me her beautiful heart, her unique value. She transformed pain into thousands of yellow lights. She painted my sky in blue. She told me “I love you”. And I believed her.

She took me out of darkness, out of the fucking nightmare I was living in. One night, I called and she cut the chains, she opened the doors so I could escape my prison. She set me free.

When I pray, I spell out loud her name. Beautiful K.A.Y

I am sending you love across oceans and seas, across continents till the endless heaven where you are saving lives every single day.

And Kim, Thank You for Your Love & Light

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When life is messy…

Sometime life is pretty messy

Sometime life is crazy or sad

Sometime we feel like dropping on our knees

Sometime we feel like giving up

Sometime people are letting us down

Sometime people are showing us their dark side

Sometime life seems like a never ending struggle

Sometime nothing makes sense

Sometime we do feel like crap, not good enough

Sometime we only wish to stay all day in our pajamas cursing the entire world

Self-absorbed in the visualization on our worst future nightmare

Self-pity works miracles but does not serve us in the long run

Indulging in chocolate cookies or alcohol is not good either

At least we are trying something to feel better

Sometime life gives us sour lemons

And it’s up to us

To stand up

To show up

To decide between fear and love

To choose what we’d like to experience…

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Autumn is coming…

Summer is gone. We could not bear it anymore – too hot. We were looking for fresh air everywhere. Kids grew cranky and grow-ups tired, in the blazing heat of early September.

I look outside, it’s pouring rain. It feels so good – a relief. It smells like a sweet pie just out of the oven, ready to be savored. My whole body shivers – pure pleasure. It’s a blessing after these busy days. And the beginning of a new season too.

Autumn is my favorite. I like everything about it, its sounds, its colors, its warmth, the pleasure we get to be inside and enjoy the comfort of our own homes, that we tend to let down when the sun is high is the sky. I love being able to spend hours in the kitchen, playing with new recipes or just relax on the couch in front of a good movie. I love entire days reading books and building sacred spaces with a couple of chairs and a blanket, cuddling on cushions and playing games all together. I enjoy a lot being inside, dressed in one of my must-loved home-wear clothes; let the window open and the cold air of outside caressing the skin of my face with gentleness. I love testing new teas and hot-chocolates, baking scones or making jam. And meeting friends in our favorite coffee-shop, looking at Paris getting ready for the year-end festivities.

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I love scarves, boots and comfy coats, gloves and the touch of wool. Walking in nature and staring gracefully at the leaves falling down, changing colors, at the naked trees standing still.

Autumn. A time to breath and relax, to relax and let go, to let go and take care of ourselves, to take care of others and forgive ourselves, to forgive and move on, to move on and enjoy each second of the present, to enjoy life and remember that today is perfect and that we too are perfect, in the eyes of Creator. Nothing else should matter.

Autumn. A time to shine inside…

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