Being the mum of a preteen

When kids are small we wish for them to grow, so we could breath a bit between chores, games and responsabilities. And then one day they are old enough to tell you that they don’t want any more cuddles, or nicknames in front of their friends. Old enough to walk alone to school and to spend days without asking for you.

You realize that your child is not a small kid anymore, even if he is only 9 years old. At his age – do you remember? – maybe you were the same. Maybe you wanted to be independant and break free, maybe you were only thinking about being with your friends…

Anyway, when you look at photos, something is telling you that many things will never be the same again. It feels good and yet a bit of nostalgia is taking over and you try as much as you can to deal with it, at your own pace.

You know for sure that your child is not your child, Khalil Gibran penned it so well, you can relate to it when you feel lost. He’s a child of the world and so your mission is to let him find his place and fly with strong wings as far as he’d like to go. When you see many struggling to have kids, many in pain with loss and grief, with empty nest and so much love to share, you start looking at what you hold in your hands, a wish, a life and you feel grateful to be able to be the first witness of growth – even if it’s tough at times! !!

How did you handle preteen years? Did you find it easy to let go?

Truth uncovered

He used to see him as a superhero. He used to see him this way, to get reassured maybe. At least, he had a dad. Not somebody he could call at night when ghosts came, or with whom he could play endless games.

His dad was just a photography, something he could look at when times were tough, when his only wish was to meet him. When my only one was to protect him. I doubted it but never changed my mind.

Now, he knows. It’s better and yet the superhero died, once and for all. His dad is just somebody he has to visit once a month for an hour and a half. He knows now that he was never like the other dads, that his mind played a movie so he could feel safe, so he could feel he was part of the big family plan. And not so alone.

It’s tough seeing him uncovering the truth. And yet it had to be done. His dad has to fall off his pedestal. He has to become man again.

It’s better than keeping the dream alive.

Autumn through the years

I remember. The first autumn. When you were in my belly, when I used to talk to you about the season, about my wishes for the ones to come.

I was happy in a way. Leaves were turning brown and I was drafting our future, the walks we would do hand in hand, the sound of the rain, the rustle around, the song of the wind, the warmth of a sunday afternoon by the sea.

Knowing you were there gave me the strenght to live through the dark hours ahead. I was not alone anymore and I could tell you about all the beauty, all the wonderful of life. I never doubted it. I never allowed anybody to come between you and me.

Autumn was tender when winter was harsh. I lose my mind many times. And yet I kept talking to you, like a madwoman most of the time. But I cared you know. I cared so much. I wanted the best for you and I took the chance, even if it came with chaos and violence, even if at a time I thought of giving you away. So somebody else could take care of you.

Year after year, autumn comes as a reminder of love shared, of love like the most powerful tool to overcome the worst. I knew I would not have left if it’s not for you. You were the green light on the road, that we took together, hand in hand. Always.

Being your mum

Credit photo @mariekleber37

We are getting to know each other. Day after day after day. It’s a rollercoaster and then a field trip with butterflies and rainbows.

It was not easy. I said it. Out loud. With guilt and without. We met in chaos and yet we’re still, alive and close, more happy than sad. Our miracle.

I knew, when leaving, that it’s the right choice. But I did not know it would take us to hell before we could see the first lights accross the night. It’s been a ride, one of a kind. With fear of loss and loss of innocence.

You drove me mad so many times, at a time I wasn’t able to cope with it. I got crazy and I thought I was, like he told me once. Tears went on and on. I needed tears to heal my wounds.

They all said it’s all about love but I know it’s not true. Love can’t do it all. It’s also about being able to face our greatest fears and to let go of our deepest desires. It’s about being able to say that we are not making it right, that something needs to be done.

And I did it. I let it all go, my mess, the awful days, your empty face, your pain, mine, the dark hours, me being stuck in the bathroom wishing to die, you lost behind the door and me being unable to reach out to you. I spat it out like it was lava. I broke free of years of humiliation and threats.

Sometimes we remember these moments and we laugh. Maybe it’s for the best. We are so different now. It does not change the past and I’d love if it could!

But only today matters and what we’re going to do with it. In a way it makes me stronger, our relationship, the way it is, I know what I’d fight for if I need to. It feels like I’m not afraid being your mum anymore…

Fake Smile and Empty Heart

You
Changing?
Your promises
Sound like hell
Burning your chances
For a different life

You
Messed up with mine
And you’d like me
To acknowledge a lie

You
Think you can buy
Love at first sight
Hands full of money
Your heart as dry
As a fake smile

You
Won’t messed up with his life
As long as I am alive

One Wish

Photo on Pexels.com

I had many wishes for many years
Dreams penned on coloured papers
Promises held in hands
Full of hope

Images of what life could be if…

2021 and one only
Peace at home after all
No more pain and tears
The energy to manage hardships

Yes peace in the place where
We ought to be
Without a painted smile
Free for once

2021 and one wish
Understanding you at last
So we don’t miss a chance
So we don’t spend our life fighting
Speaking words crushing our hearts in pieces

One wish for you and me
If there is any way, it can come true
So may it be…

As for you my readers, I wish you a bright and peaceful, rich and blessed year 2021! Stay safe and keep spreading love through your words.