Autumn through the years

I remember. The first autumn. When you were in my belly, when I used to talk to you about the season, about my wishes for the ones to come.

I was happy in a way. Leaves were turning brown and I was drafting our future, the walks we would do hand in hand, the sound of the rain, the rustle around, the song of the wind, the warmth of a sunday afternoon by the sea.

Knowing you were there gave me the strenght to live through the dark hours ahead. I was not alone anymore and I could tell you about all the beauty, all the wonderful of life. I never doubted it. I never allowed anybody to come between you and me.

Autumn was tender when winter was harsh. I lose my mind many times. And yet I kept talking to you, like a madwoman most of the time. But I cared you know. I cared so much. I wanted the best for you and I took the chance, even if it came with chaos and violence, even if at a time I thought of giving you away. So somebody else could take care of you.

Year after year, autumn comes as a reminder of love shared, of love like the most powerful tool to overcome the worst. I knew I would not have left if it’s not for you. You were the green light on the road, that we took together, hand in hand. Always.

Being your mum

Credit photo @mariekleber37

We are getting to know each other. Day after day after day. It’s a rollercoaster and then a field trip with butterflies and rainbows.

It was not easy. I said it. Out loud. With guilt and without. We met in chaos and yet we’re still, alive and close, more happy than sad. Our miracle.

I knew, when leaving, that it’s the right choice. But I did not know it would take us to hell before we could see the first lights accross the night. It’s been a ride, one of a kind. With fear of loss and loss of innocence.

You drove me mad so many times, at a time I wasn’t able to cope with it. I got crazy and I thought I was, like he told me once. Tears went on and on. I needed tears to heal my wounds.

They all said it’s all about love but I know it’s not true. Love can’t do it all. It’s also about being able to face our greatest fears and to let go of our deepest desires. It’s about being able to say that we are not making it right, that something needs to be done.

And I did it. I let it all go, my mess, the awful days, your empty face, your pain, mine, the dark hours, me being stuck in the bathroom wishing to die, you lost behind the door and me being unable to reach out to you. I spat it out like it was lava. I broke free of years of humiliation and threats.

Sometimes we remember these moments and we laugh. Maybe it’s for the best. We are so different now. It does not change the past and I’d love if it could!

But only today matters and what we’re going to do with it. In a way it makes me stronger, our relationship, the way it is, I know what I’d fight for if I need to. It feels like I’m not afraid being your mum anymore…

Fake Smile and Empty Heart

You
Changing?
Your promises
Sound like hell
Burning your chances
For a different life

You
Messed up with mine
And you’d like me
To acknowledge a lie

You
Think you can buy
Love at first sight
Hands full of money
Your heart as dry
As a fake smile

You
Won’t messed up with his life
As long as I am alive

New days

Copyright Mister Pop

Days are becoming dark
Early, and then we feel
Like a lonely shape of cold
Covering windows

Contrast with the warmth
Of home
Chattering all along corridors
Laughs as loud as thunder
Spots of colors everywhere

Years of trying a sense of pefection
Then letting go
Breathing in the mess that happy days
Are offering us

One Wish

Photo on Pexels.com

I had many wishes for many years
Dreams penned on coloured papers
Promises held in hands
Full of hope

Images of what life could be if…

2021 and one only
Peace at home after all
No more pain and tears
The energy to manage hardships

Yes peace in the place where
We ought to be
Without a painted smile
Free for once

2021 and one wish
Understanding you at last
So we don’t miss a chance
So we don’t spend our life fighting
Speaking words crushing our hearts in pieces

One wish for you and me
If there is any way, it can come true
So may it be…

As for you my readers, I wish you a bright and peaceful, rich and blessed year 2021! Stay safe and keep spreading love through your words.

Strange Time – Special Time

This is a strange time. I was not prepared to it. To be true at first I was afraid  at the thought of staying home alone with my son. You may know, cause you are reading me for some time now, that motherhood is not that intuitive to me. It’s a challenging experience, a process, a road I took seven years ago not knowing at all what it was about.

This is a strange time, full of emotions going everywhere, taking all the place. There is joy and fear, love and doubts, wonderful suprises, chaotic moments, cries, laughs, so many ups, so many downs too.

It’s not really about being at home, nor about being separated from others, it’s really about finding our peace, our truth inside, it’s about listening to our inner voice, knowing what make sense, to us, it’s about learning who we are, expressing our needs. It’s an introspection, a time out of time, time to grow –  we grow when we struggle! It’s part of the deal too!

And you, how are you living it? Is it tough? Or quite easy? How would you define it?