You no more…

I’d rather die

Bury my feet into the spongy ground

Vanish into the night

I’d rather stay silent

Go blind

Steal the key of the door

Taking to my heart

I’d rather fly away

Walk barefoot on fire

Swim till I can breathe no more

I’d rather escape

Take up arms

Fight against the Lion

I’d rather scream so loud

That everybody has to hide

I’d rather risk my life

Than going back to you

4 years relationship, divorce & a manuscript

Our relationship is already summed up in a big file, full of notes, letters, forecast budgets, solicitor fees, court ruling papers, translations, testimonies. It took 4 years to eventually close our case.

Our relationship is contained into a manuscript of 25 chapters, 165 pages, 68 000 words. I never thought I could achieve this one day. I should thank you for this. You gave me matters to discuss, feelings to explore, emotions to review in details, issues to solve. Your madness left invisible scars on my skin, in my mind. You gave me the chance to heal myself, to reconnect with the “true me”. I should thank you for this.

I need a couple of hours to finalize our 4 years relationship. I need a couple of hours to explain what happened after.

When I left I thought it was over. I was wrong. Another story started, the one that would crushed my heart in pieces but the one that would take me to the beautiful light after the chaos of the thunderstorm.

I always loved jigsaw. You must have known this. You don’t know anything about me. It’s the most difficult one I had to do, putting the pieces of my heart back together. It took me ages. Every time I thought I was on the right path, something went wrong and I had to start all over again. I am still working on it.

At the beginning writing was evidence. I needed to get you out of my head. I needed space to let go. I needed words to get rid of guilt. Healing process – dealing with grief. Ups and many downs. Then writing became a way to free my anger. I had so much resentment in me. There could not be any forgiveness. After a while, anger vanished and I started seeing things a different way. I wanted to understand.

Why you?

Why “yes”, when all my heart was shouting “no”?

Why I let you play with me in such a terrible way?

What happened in me? I had always been a happy child, a dreamer, a girl in love with life, a smiling lady. I had always been surrounded by loving and caring people.

What made me choose you? What made me think I would save you? What made me think you would save me? Save me from what?

Writing gave me the chance to answer some of these questions. Now I know why I want to finish this story. Sharing my experience is key. Sharing the worst before the best. Sharing to help. Sharing to tell the truth about you, about me, about the magnificent light, about the violence of your silences, about the pain inside my chest, about your status of victim, about my resilience, my faith.

Being true to ourselves…

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I wanted to be her. Confident. In love. With herself. With the world.

I wanted to be like her. Walking proudly in high heels and feeling like I own the world.

I wanted to be her. So sure of herself. So chatty. So beautiful.

I wanted to be like her. Wearing red lip-gloss and sunglasses. Short skirts and bikinis.

I wanted to be her. So much.

I thought she was happy, she had the perfect life, the perfect family.

And then…

She vanished into the night.

And all truth about her came back in a flash of dark light.

She was not loved, she was consumed by passion.

She was not happy, she was in much pain.

She was fake.

She was somebody she was not, so she could face life.

She was smiling at the world. Inside, she was crying.

We never know what people are going through, what life they have, what happens behind closed doors: the best or the worst.

Praying for the best. Always. And remembering that we should never envy others but look at ourselves with love, enjoy whatever is good in our life and change the things that don’t seem right (for us). 

It’s time to wish you…

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It’s all about time

Or about not taking the time

I’d rather say it’s all about love

And sharing it

It’s all about gratitude

Or saying “thank you”

Not just in our hearts

But saying it out loud

Shouting it

And receiving wonderful more things

When doing so

It’s about You

Being here

Following me

Guiding me

Helping me

Inspiring me

It’s about yours words

Your beautiful soul

Your incredible talent

Your voice

Your light

Shining through the darkest moments

Healing my deepest wounds

It’s about taking the time

To recall what’s behind us

To dream about what’s awaiting us

To plan projects

To send wishes out to the world

I want to THANK YOU

And WISH YOU

A wonderful, joyful, true, inspiring year 2017

May you and your loved ones stay safe, at peace, in love

May each one of you achieved one of your greatest dreams

May you keep looking at life with faith and hope

May you keep writing and being true to who you are

May you reminder that you are important, precious, loved

May you stay connected to the Universe

To GOD

I LOVE YOU!

Credit photo

Carrousel Lights

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Lights afar

The wind carries a melodious sound

Old song

Taking me back in time

Three years old

Little girl

Swirling around

Talking alone

Aloud

Three years old

Little boy

Smiling back

At the little girl

Living inside

Lights afar

The wind carries a melodious sound

The Carrousel set into motion

Sweet memories passing by

Across the Bridge

I don’t know your name

The secrets of your heart

The pain inside

That you hide

I don’t know your age

The heaviness of your past

Through my lens

I identify

Serious darkness

Invisible scars

I don’t know who you are

What your dreams are made of

Or whether the stars

Shine

On your side of the globe

Through my lens

I can see

Terrible tragedies

Keeping you away

From being free

I don’t know your name

I only crossed your gaze

The other day

From the other side of the bridge

My own place of safety

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Being a woman

I forgot what it meant

Being a woman

I forgot what it’s like

Being looked at

***

He said things

I did not want to hear

Lack of confidence

My body is a mess

Inside

I feel scared

Trusting again

***

He told me

It’s time to let go

To let love knock at the door

Of my heart

***

I am so good at listening to others

At helping them

I am so bad at letting someone take care of me

Telling me how fabulous I am

***

Images are rushing in front of my eyes

Being naked is scaring me

How to be myself when deep down

The scars are still bleeding?

***

I want to scream

How can I forgive myself?

How can I let go of something that is killing me?

How somebody will see behind

My broken femininity?

***

I forgot what it meant

Being a woman

I forgot what it’s like

Being looked at

***

I forgot I was loveable

I forgot I was beautiful