Her voice is slowing down
As another one is taking over
Time has come to look behind
Something is wandering around
Filling her space
With shots of memories
Hidden secrets
She will take with her
Forgotten dreams
She’s tiptoeing past the days
And the trees
The house by the sea
The smiles of old friends
All the things she will miss
And the regrets
She was born
She will die
In between, a lifetime
Dust slipping away
On a dark night…
(It was like this before
I would stay behind
I would not ask
I would keep my voice down
I would say “I understand”
And not getting anything of what was said
Just so I won’t feel vulnerable
It was like this before
People laughing
Kids playing
Teachers pointing at me
Bad marks
Unhappy feelings
It was like this before
Fitting in
Staying unseen
Playing it by the rules
Ackowledging mistakes I didn’t make
Every step is a change
In a new direction
Allowing myself to be
Vulnerable
And yet
Strong
Every day I release old scars
Moving on to brighter days
Where being myself
Is not seen as a failure
Anymore
She conquered her freedom
Behind the deep blue veil of the sea
Love was only a mirage
In the exchange of promises
To care and be there – always
Words came and went
Like the wind on a stormy night
They were made of broken glass
Just empty feelings
And nowhere to hide
Emprisonned inside her own mind
And crazy wishes
To end the darkness of her endless night
She set herself free
Found the key to witness the beauty
Of a purple new dawn
***
We are many to know that our life is not the way it should be. Yet it’s not always easy to stop the mess we are in. We need time to find our way back to ourselves. Peace and freedom are not illusions. They exist. We just have to stop, look and decide what’s best for us, at one given time. From this place, we can start on a new road. A better one for sure.
How did you start again? When did you know you couldn’t keep going and you had to make a change in your life as it was?
I wish I could
Break at dawn
Inside your space
Wrap myself
Around your breath
We know the name of things
But do we know the name of feelings?
Drops of glowing water pouring inside our minds
We try to define them
With words
But do words know the depth of what is happening inside?
There was something before him. I wrote everything. I remember half of it. His love – today – does even change the past. Not what happened. But how I relate to it.
It’s less and less painful. I am moving to a place where I know myself better. Where I understand what happened better too.
Fear, it was.
Fear of not being accepted. Not being loved. I mean not being loveable. Or enough. Yes, this is it. These people who drag you down, they see themselves before seeing you. They think they are close to perfection. And you, not. You are millions steps away from it. And their job is to make you better. You should even feel blessed to have crossed their path. This is just bullshit.
They’re fake.
So we were fake together. We didn’t work. We were not happy. Obviously. We got together for the wrong reasons. I was looking for recognition. I wanted to be useful. I wanted to count. And I got nothing but poor attention. I couldn’t count cause I wouldn’t match the perfect image of the perfect wife in a perfect mariage.
That’s it. Part of life experiences. I got lucky to escape and start again. It’s like winning the World Cup – I guess. Being able to stop the mess and start on a new track. Better road. Better people. No contest. Just be. Just love. Just live.
Kids love full houses. Voices. And people. And playing. Laughing. Games and big tables. Snacks and treats.
Maybe it’s the hardest part. The one that says, on a daily basis, it’s just the two of us.
Just him and me.
And seeing him missing something. The people. The voices. The fun. The funny part of life. Missing his friends as soon as we are back home. Missing his grand-parents as soon as they are back home.
When I feel down, I feel guilty.
But some days are good. Some days are even great fun. Just the two of us.
But I know he is in need of something more. So we go out. And spend days with family. And we meet people. And I try not to feel blue too often, or at least leave the blues for later. When he is in bed. And I remember the chance we have to be where we are.
We can never be sure to do it right.
We just try our best.
Isn’t it what we all do?
We can call it a day
You know days. They come and go.
Do we remember each one of them in the vastness of life?
Or do we keep only ones, ones with a difference. Ones with something special. Memories we keep in mind and revisit when we feel like
it’s time to remember something. So other things can make sense.
And when nothing make sense, maybe it’s good to look outside and watch nature unfolding its treasures. Just un front of our eyes.
They say that green is the color of hope. Green is everywhere these days,. Surely, we miss the sun. But rain is giving us this brightness, these colors, so we can breath in the power of nature revealing itself, blooming.
I am like everybody else, I like the warmth of yellow sparks. But I also love the music of the rain, the scent of it, the freshness, I like being in and out, celebrating with nature, watching kids jumping in puddles, with a bright smile on their faces. I love being with people not scared about it. So we can enjoy and feel free together.
Rain is like magical powder that chase away my deepest fears and pains.
How do you feel about rain? Tell me all about it my friends…
We hoped
And flew
Away with the sun
Reaching high
Chasing blue skies
Finding solace
In the arms of a lifelong
Dream
***
Words come when I don’t expect them to show up. If I can’t catch them, I let them go. Or I find myself in a place of struggle. I don’t need more these days. I got enough on my plate. Some will say it’s all about being hypersensitive. Maybe. For me, it’s about digesting life events and news that don’t make sense to me. It’s about healing. And healing takes time…
I knew somehow that it was within me
This freedom
This wish to experience
And enjoy life to the fullest
I took a road
Not the wrong one
Just one that took me so far away from myself
Far from joy
Far from life
I got a taste of what it is to become
Someone else
To behave like a robot
Learning what to do and how to do it well
I got to taste living in a place
Where emotions were
to be buried inside
Where some subjects were
Dangerous to talk about
Where a word could be a weapon
I knew somehow that one day I would breath again
I would smile and laugh and experience
I would have fears that I could conquer
I would know love
And what it means to feel free to show my feelings
To talk about my dreams
To express who I am
In so many different ways
