This morning Kim posted something on Facebook about her story, the story of her sister Kay, the story she kept telling, again and again, because it’s hers and because it’s much needed too.
I know some people would rather like me to stop telling MY story. And I’d like this too, to mark a full stop. And yet even if it’s past, it’s always there, in the air. Because I have a child and he has a father, somebody he doesn’t know that much but somebody I know is toxic for him, as he was for me.
And sometimes I feel down, I feel like it’s never ending, like the choice I made back in march 2009 is still haunting me and will always. Like we’ll never be really safe.
Sometimes I wish he’d die, just so we could be free, my son and I, not always wondering what’s the next blow to come, what kind of challenge we’ll have to face again.
I realized I can’t start a new book thinking I can erase him, draw a line accross his existance. I just have to deal with it.
Maybe it’s the hardest part. But yet one day my son will be old enough and strong enough to deal with this mess. Till then I’d like to spare him as much as I can.
I am feeling lonely. This story impacted many people in my life and I don’t want anymore chaos or insomnia for them. I don’t want their fears added to mine. So I keep quiet and I pray. And in the morning I feel strong again and I know that as long as I am alive I will never let him mess up with our lives again, I will protect us, whatever the price I must pay.
At the beginning of the year, it came back in a rush. I did not want to but yet it knocked at my door and I let it in. Not fully but enough so it could mess up with me again.
Memories, fears, doubts.
The need to explain my choices and to prove something. The guilt. The pain. It’s crazy how some people can bring to light the best in you and some can only take you down in a second and make you feel useless and lame!
The past came back and I felt strong for a while and then the same old story kept on playing, I wanted to scream. I put on a mask, the one that says “I am ok, I can deal with it.”
Will I, one day?
Ok, I made a bad choice once. Do I have to pay for ever? Or will I be free at some stage of all this nonsense?
Maybe the key is to close the door and don’t try to be nice again. Why should I be?
The key IS to stop trying so hard. This past doesn’t deserve anything from me. And anyway it’s made of nothing. It’s harsh I know and I feel bad sometimes to think like this. Maybe I should stop feeling bad about this, as well!
In fact I am the only one free to show up and say “fuck you!” Once and forever!
She asked me the question, I don’t want to or I don’t know how to answer. I believe there’s a time for everything. I am not sure the time is right for this question. I don’t want to see what’s behind the veil. I don’t want to dig in, not this time, not now. Not now, after all I’ve been through. I want a space free of questions that have the power to break the balance I’m slowly finding.
I know I’m not brave there. I don’t want to be or I’ve been brave enough. I want peace.
Anyway, I will answer this question, step by step. At my own pace. Cause it has to be adressed. I just want to allow myself not to be stressed by it, as if there’s a deadline to it.
No deadline, just the knowledge it’s out there somewhere waiting for me, not to take action, but at least to think about it, to work through the hypothesis.
It’s not the end, just a new beginning.
Do you know about questions like this? What yours would be or talk about?
The other day, I was out in Paris, enjoying a sunny day. I was on my way to get some books at the library. And as I was in a nice area and there was a nice “salon de thé” on the way, I was ready to take myself for a little treat!
I got in and the waitress told me to scan the QR code to get the menu. Without even saying hello. Rude!
I know it’s only got to do with an app on your mobile phone, but I don’t like it. Even if I can understand that during such a special time, it’s something useful. Maybe they could just add a menu at the entrance of the shop. Or find a way that can suit everybody. Is is too much to ask? We’re all humans after all. Nowadays I feel like we are devices living a human life. It’s shocking!
I mean some people don’t have a smartphone. And maybe some people got one but don’t have a clue what a QR code is. In this word of “new technologies” we think that everybody has the same chances. But no.
One of my friend, who is teaching in secondary school told me that during the lockdown, half the kids didn’t have access to Internet. Or even have a computer.
On a different but related matter, not later than this summer, my grand-mother had to order a new ID card. The process is a mess. The French Administration requires an email address or a mobile phone number for people to get in touch with her. She’s 97 years old! Wake up guys! She doesn’t have a clue what you’re talking about. She’s from another planet, a different time. And this is not a single exemple. Unfortunately.
So, I left the shop, as a way to say that I didn’t agree with this new way of dealing with people!
Nothing ever prepared us to live a life that was not meant for us. We spent years trying to figure out what the world wants, how to be accepted, recognized, how to fit in. And one day we discover that all of this, is complete builshit.
Our truth lies in childhood fun and dreams. It’s where it started and where it will end, only if we give ourselves the chance to let go of all limits we put on our path, of all “I should” we built, of all “not enough” we thought.
It’s not a matter of chance. It comes with understanding that the life we have has nothing to do with the life we want. It’s our choice to follow our heart or to keep going the way we do. It’s not right or wrong. It’s what appeal to us at a moment in time.
And we all know that one moment can change a whole life!
Each experience in life gives us a chance to know who we are. We are learning every day. We may fall. It happens to me many times. And I feel like all the steps before mean nothing. I am like this. Falling hard. And then standing up again. Darkness put aside. No more clouds around. Ready to enjoy every minute of every day. There is no time, then, to ponder on things I can’t change.
The world today does not want to hear that you don’t feel right, at one given time. It says to you that you have nothing to complain about, as long as you have a roof, money and health. So if you do so, be ready to face their wrath.
And if you don’t feel right today, what will become of you tomorrow? You ought to be grateful and let go. That’s simple, isn’t it?
But in truth, far from reality. Cause we are humans. We have emotions. We have to deal with people, our past, our fears, our personality, our dreams and our personal history. We have to compose with all these pieces of our lives every day. Feeling blue once doen’t mean we are on the verge of depression. It does not mean we are lost forever.
It just means that we are ready to face whatever feelings are coming our way. Not saying all is right when it’s not. Not burying our problems. But finding solutions. Before moving on.
The world has its own opinion. Of what is right or wrong.
We know there is no right nor wrong. That makes all the difference!