Parental Burnout @WMB

“I can’t do it anymore!”
I said it. It was not easy but I needed to let emotions go and tell the truth. I didn’t know it but I had hit parental burnout. It did not come out of nowhere but I had kept the situation at a distance for some time. I did not want to show my weaknesses. I did not want people to see this side of me.

For months and months I kept repeating to myself that I could manage, that some other women had more than one kid, some had more issues, illness, parents to deal with and they could make it work at the end of the day. Therefore, I could too.

The breaking point
Then, one day, I found myself locked in the bathroom, crying. Tears were heavy and on the other side of the door was my kid but I could not come out; I could not find the strength to make a step towards him; I could not get past my anger and pain—like I had many times in the past—and give him a hug.

I was not myself anymore. In addition, after every crisis, I hated myself. I was afraid of my violence, of the words, of what my own body and mind were able to do towards the most precious person of my life. I even asked myself at some stage if I really loved my son and if it would not be better to let him go live with other people. Home wasn’t safe. Family life felt like hell.

Read more HERE

Keep Going!

I woke up yesterday thinking of the date
November is full of memories
Not ones I regret
But yet just shots of life
And something we could call death

This taste of sorrow
And yet life again taking control
Pushing us on the road
The one we would like to avoid
From a distance it looks lonely
And dark and gloomy
But once we are on
We could see lights
Multicolor sparkles on the side
Colorful papers lanterns illuminating the sky
And people walking too
With dreams deceived and new ones to draw
People like us trying hard
And having faith in something big enough
To make them want to keep going

November

Photo by Syed Hasan Mehdi on Pexels.com

November is said
To be the darkest month of all
Year coming to an end
Cold days and long nights

November is said
To bring back memories
Old beliefs spreaded by sad witches
Colors faiding into dullness

November is said
To come with nonsense
Emptiness filling the space
Hands full of madness

November
Time to close a chapter
Leaving behind the old
Getting ready for the next aventure

Despite the silence

Awake at night
I wish I could feel
Your breath against
My bare skin

I keep your absence
At a distance
By fear of scars
Messing with the present

I wish I could
Sweep them away
I wish I could
Erase darkness

Just like this
Just with the power
Of my thoughts

But at times
It’s back and with it
Chaos and Tears

I don’t seem to be able
To master them
So I fall with them

I escape the world
I move away from your touch
I let silence do the talking

I am grieving, alone
So you won’t have to take care
Of my broken soul
Once again

Being your mum

Credit photo @mariekleber37

We are getting to know each other. Day after day after day. It’s a rollercoaster and then a field trip with butterflies and rainbows.

It was not easy. I said it. Out loud. With guilt and without. We met in chaos and yet we’re still, alive and close, more happy than sad. Our miracle.

I knew, when leaving, that it’s the right choice. But I did not know it would take us to hell before we could see the first lights accross the night. It’s been a ride, one of a kind. With fear of loss and loss of innocence.

You drove me mad so many times, at a time I wasn’t able to cope with it. I got crazy and I thought I was, like he told me once. Tears went on and on. I needed tears to heal my wounds.

They all said it’s all about love but I know it’s not true. Love can’t do it all. It’s also about being able to face our greatest fears and to let go of our deepest desires. It’s about being able to say that we are not making it right, that something needs to be done.

And I did it. I let it all go, my mess, the awful days, your empty face, your pain, mine, the dark hours, me being stuck in the bathroom wishing to die, you lost behind the door and me being unable to reach out to you. I spat it out like it was lava. I broke free of years of humiliation and threats.

Sometimes we remember these moments and we laugh. Maybe it’s for the best. We are so different now. It does not change the past and I’d love if it could!

But only today matters and what we’re going to do with it. In a way it makes me stronger, our relationship, the way it is, I know what I’d fight for if I need to. It feels like I’m not afraid being your mum anymore…

Sense, Comfort and Peace

Photo by eberhard grossgasteiger on Pexels.com

Always sharing the good. May it be in bad or good times.

Always remembering why we’re getting up each day, why we believe and hope in the midst of chaos.

So many men and women lived through troubled times. Without giving up what they believed in. We are as able as them.

So why do we keep on pointing out the worst, the dark of this world?

Why do we need to talk on and on about how worst worries?

We are the ones building the world, and if we are not able to change every single decision and every single thing that happens, we can at least focus on what makes sense and what bring us comfort and peace.

What do you think?

Writing Prompt #8

Some days carry you from
One state to another
Without you having time
To get what’s going on inside

You’re building chaos
Till the cup of your day
Overflow with a strong mix
Of anger and irritation

If only you could remember
That it only takes
One breath
To change focus
And sooth your stormy brain

This is my piece of poetry as part of Writing Prompt proposed by Mona.