Before the last call of breath

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The end
They told her
Nothing else to be done
The heart is slowly losing the battle
Nastiness can’t compete with death

Day one
A shock
Day two
Reality in motion
Day three
Time to get ready

In a way
A relief
But yet so much left undone
So many words that seal the deal
Of a love that never really existed

Two lives
Too many lies
Two stories
No boundaries

The end
For a new beginning
Without any chance
For forgiveness
A page about to be turned
In darkness always

Day after day
Not knowing when
Trying to get ready to face
The last call of breath

In a way
Peace
Brought by death
Motherhood grace
Never to be conquered

The end
They told her
She’ll not make it to next year
Maybe it’s a chance
After all the mess

The memory of you

I don’t know why you poped up into my mind this morning. Your memory.

I remember, will always, where I was when the phone rang, how I felt.  I somewhere knew what was about to be said. Something written since the day you entered my life. It could not last. Life like this. Life in a place of suffering. Pain, inside your head, in your body. Your fainted smile as the years went by.

Sometimes a glimpse of hope. Sometimes a chance, maybe. But every time it went as it came. And we remained there, on the threshold of a new dawn, the heart lost in a future that we could only imagine, that would never be yours to walk towards.

The end. I was prepared and yet, I lost balance. I felt relieved for you. I felt pain rushing into my blood and anger filling the space with emptiness.

You were so young. I was so full of dreams, thinking I could overcome every difficulty, I could break the silence they put between us. Your parents thought I was judging them. They felt guilty enough for not being able to look after you the way others thought they ought to.

They were wrong. I was on their side. I was your godmother, not a complete stranger with straight ideas on what it takes and what it means of rasing a disabled child.

You were always an angel anyway. To me. When death took you away, you just get home. You are somewhere between the stars. In my heart for ever. A part of my life. A bright one despite the end, despite all that went wrong between the day I hold you tight in that church and the day the phone rang to tell me you passed away. We did not say goodbye.

Grand-father blessing(s)

@Marie Kléber

Days come and go. You are somewhere and everywhere. Never too far away.

What days look like when you are not part of the world anymore, when you wander in galaxies, sky and stars, no limit?

What do you do for hours when there is no more agenda, no night and light, when wholeness and emptiness mean the same?

There were happy days – childhood memories. And then something happened. You left. You died and we knew it. We knew it would happen. We knew it was just a matter of months. We knew and we closed our eyes. Cause you were special. Maybe we thought you couldn’t die. We were not ready for it. I was not ready for it. We’re never ready to welcome death.

Some people say that love ends. I might be crazy but I know somehow this is a lie. Maybe it serves people who don’t want to see the light shining through the clouds.

We loved each other before we met. And love is still playing in the background. You know everything. I can confess you all my deepest joys and pains, my shortcuts and my dreams.

You are somewhere. Not a body but a soul. And nobody can ever catch you again. You’re free.

 

You never left

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You are
Where everything is
Where the sea shines around
Ankles and wrists

You are
Under the sea
Behind the curtain
Of childhood memories

You are
In every move of the sky above
Every cloud shaping the world
In every beat of nature

You are
But nobody knows
Just me

You never left my world
You breath in me

A lifetime

Crédit Marie Kléber

Her voice is slowing down
As another one is taking over
Time has come to look behind

Something is wandering around
Filling her space
With shots of memories

Hidden secrets
She will take with her
Forgotten dreams

She’s tiptoeing past the days
And the trees
The house by the sea
The smiles of old friends
All the things she will miss
And the regrets

She was born
She will die
In between, a lifetime

Dust slipping away
On a dark night…

Where are You?

When nothing makes sense, I turn towards You.

But where are You? Are You hiding? So You don’t have to face my questions. Where are You when the world of so many is falling apart?

I recall. You are not that far. But how can I reach to You with all this mess around?

Are You kidding? Are You really the Master of Life and Death? How do You decide who shall live and who shall die?

I won’t ask You why? I know there is no answer to this question.

Every time, I feel like, it is breaking something inside. I must be made of millions and millions pieces of multiple shapes, cause I am still there, I still breath, my hears beats. I am alive. When there is nothing left , I will still have You? I hope.

I need trust. I need faith. I need to believe in something greater so I won’t dive into this space of emptiness. Will I ever get this? Will I ever understand why young people die? Just like this. In a blink of an eye.

Prayer is my only salvation…

You live by my side

Copyright Marie Kleber

I came, I sit down by your side and I let the tears flow.

I don’t know why. I had things to let go.

You are in dust and prayers, underneath the earth.

Still, you are there with me, in the subtle midst of memories.

I wonder why you had to go such a long time ago, why I can only be with you by thought.

And yet when I visit, sit down near your grave; I feel your presence, I hear your heartbeat, you are never too far.

You live by my side. Forever you.

Acknowledging my truth

I dreamt of Death
Deep understanding of
What I ought to let go
Going deep inside

Unearthing my darkest
Secrets
Exhuming my strongest
Beliefs
Breathing in the knowledge
That I am becoming

A better version of myself
As I break free
From the boundaries
Set up long ago
To shy away from facing my truth

The Warrior

Just thought it would be nice to share the first poem I wrote (in English) – It was during a writing course I took in 2010 in Dublin. 

Sitting breathless on the grave

Stay silent and be brave

An instant rush in the past

Wishing today will never last

Here and there time goes by

There’s an empty hole in the sky

On the road night and day

Running the distance that separate our lives

Feeling dead anyway

No miracle to keep us alive

Falling apart, no desire

The one who stands is a warrior

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Their sky turning dark

How do you handle pain ? The pain of others? The pain of friends, loves ones, ones you cherish?

Do you cry when you hear sad news?

Do you feel like the world around you is missing something, is messing around?

What do you do when someone tells you that their world just crashed down?

 ***

I stay strong.

And then I cried.

I cried.

I did not know why.

I cried for the loss.

I cried for my friend.

For the news that no mum or dad wants to hear

For the news that no brother or sister wants to listen to

 ***

I feel so helpless.

“Our sky turning dark.”

How I wish nobody would have to write this one day

How I wish I could have the words, I could know what to do, how to ease her pain

But I can only imagine it

 ***

I cried.

For every angel

For every goodbye before the time

 ***

I wonder how you can survive

How you can live with such deep pain inside your chest

How you can stay up, on your feet, in the dark

With emptiness crawling to catch your breath

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I wonder how people dealt with my pain at a time when I could not see anything else than dark clouds over my head

I wonder how they felt when my world was upside down

I wish I could remember the words they told me to help me feel a bit better, a bit safe

I wish I could do more than just pray

And cry

And wonder

And wish

And send love

I wish I could take the pain away, change the deal, asked God to get rid of yesterday

I wish I can face life and say “you are fucking crazy to play with people lives this way”

I wish I can…