About a father @World Mums Blog

When you first separate, you are a big mess but you are full of hope that you’ll just manage everything well, mostly with the father of your children.

You have thought about this many times, when you have heard about friends or acquaintances getting a divorce and fighting like mad people over this or that, without a thought for their poor children, who are completely lost between Mum and Dad, not knowing where to go, what to believe, or how to feel about all of this.

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You are good at reassuring yourself. You won’t go that way and you’ll do everything in your power to protect your kids in this painful situation. You are very good at telling yourself that what happened between you and your ex-husband has nothing to do with the father he is and the relationship he has or will have with his children. You think that it’ll be easy to make the distinction between the man and the dad. Until it’s not.

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Going through a divorce…

When you think it’s over, something pops up

And it’s another rollercoaster machine that takes you by surprise

You feel low

You just want to cry “I so want it to be over”

You feel anger rushing back inside your heart

The same anger that had left you some time ago

The one you tamed and finally let go of

Something inside you says “this will never end”

But it will end, at some stage

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Tonight I had to deal with one of this news that makes you want to fly at the other end of the world without a word

That makes you want to meet your ex and tell him “stop messing with me. It’s over anyway. Don’t make me pay for something you destroyed with your own hands, you own fucking crazy mind”

Instead I came home, took my pillow out and shouted, shouted so loud that I had to cover my ears.

It felt so good.

And then I punched in the pillow.

A way to let go.

And I prayed, my head on the floor, telling God to help me understand why suddenly this has to pop up. Surely there is something behind this, something good. I asked him to show me what. What is good? Something I can’t see right now.

And I put the music out loud and danced in the dark.

And I took some paper, paint and a brush and I started painting. Another way to release pain, frustration, anger.

And I took the computer out and wrote these words.

***

Going through a divorce is tough.

And when people ask me “have you started dating again?”, I am short of words…

Now tell me how do you deal with “bad news”, how do you manage to let go of anger?