The color of my nights

Copyright Marie Kléber

Nights can be tough, full of creatures I don’t recall meeting anywhere near my deepest fantasies. I can see blood and darkness, violence and echoes of lives I went through, scars and pain.

I live the nightmares like it is real life. I feel the emotions. I carry the weight of the sensations emprisonning my body. I recall ways of finding solace. And I swear that I will survive.

Something inside is trying to get hold of the key to understand what’s going on when I close my eyes and let my mind wander in the silent night.

Some nights are made of beauty. A few. Just so I can relax in the enchantment of this break. It won’t last and won’t remain. Good dreams will vanish and bad dreams will take over.

Nights will be tough again. I will empty my mind of all the things I can hardly bear…

What are the colors of your nights?

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The Lioness bewitched

I am a warrior

Strong and fierce if needed
Weak at times
When tides are high
And my breath short
But I resist

I am a warrior

And I won’t let you
Kill my joy
Snuff out my balance
Shatter our lives

I can be your worst ennemy
The Lioness bewitched
The Goddes in armur

Whatever you chose to fight for
Be certain that I’ll never betray
The Ones I love

Yesterday, now and tomorrow

Copyright Marie Kléber

I can tell you everything

The good, the bad, the worst
The blue, the grey, the white
The bright mornings and the dark skies

I can tell you my ups, my downs
My doubts, my fears, my joys

I can tell you all there is
And all there was
Dreams and nightmares

I can cry and you won’t say
These ugly words that I despise

I can tell you everything
And yet I don’t wish to tell you everything

Not that you can’t hear it
Just that I want to protect us from
A life that does not belong to now
Remains of scars, shots of pain

We belong to today and tomorrow
We are writing a far better story
Than the ones before
One that is true, loving, peaceful
One that put a smile on our faces
When we look at each other

I don’t want the chaos anymore
I don’t want to feel trapped in emotions
I don’t want us to be all about this
The memories to unfold
The fears to go over
The wounds to mend

I want life and happiness
Blessings to count every day
Joy and projects to share
I don’t want anything messy between you and me

So know if I don’t tell you everything
It is just my way to say that you mean the world to me

You & Me – The chaos & The grace – Darkness and Love again…

Copyright Marie Kléber

You were at the beginning of all time.

I used to pray and laugh and feel blessed. I used to talk to you. Day and night. I used to find solace when I turned my face towards you and you would smile back.

And then I lose track…

I thought you could be contained. In a religion. In a group. I looked for you in every place, every space. What happened? I don’t know. I started listening to other voices. It was the beginning of a search that took me to the edge. Deep darkness.

It felt like everything I knew was gone.

It felt like you were gone.

I read and prayed. I was lost. I lied to myself so many times. I thought I could catch you. In a place. In a book. Nonsense.

I tried and tried. I got tired, took roads which were not for me to walk. I tried to fit in. Fit in a mess that wasn’t mine. Fit in thoughts that I’d not agree with.

I cried.

I called for you. I shouted at you. Why? Why? Why?

Nightmares would last and you were nowhere to be found.

And then, one day, I decided to let go. I could not walk anymore. I could not breathe anymore. I started to remember the girl I was once.

And you were there. You never left. You just waited for me to be ready to see you again.

You were in the silence of my heart. And the fragrance of my soul.

The “me” inside

Copyright Marie Kléber

If you could let all your theories at the door

All the things you say are right

All the truths you were told

If you are ready to embrace the unknown

Mystery, emptiness, chaos, incredible joy

If you can let go of the mask that protects you

Appear naked and vulnerable

Without nothing else than your heart

Wide-open and free

Then and only then

You’ll be in touch with the reality

Of the “me” inside  of you.

A path of love and acceptance

Copyright Marie Kléber

I am learning that her story is not mine
Still learning
It’s not the easiest part
It is a path of love and acceptance
Of what was
And what is
Of her feelings
And her pain

I felt angry at times
When I was younger
Hearing that she’d rather like to die
It is no lie
I thought cancer would change her
Make her feel more aware of the beauty around
And the past would go
Would let her breath in peace
And live without shadows

I prayed
But it’s not my story
I have no power
It’s not about me
All the love I have can’t change the deal

The past is engraved
In every cell of her body

I am learning to love her as she is
With her memories
Her ghosts
Her idea that life is just a messy road

Trying to protect me
When she says she’d rather like death
Knowing that it’s not against me
It’s just the only space
That could set her free

Rejection sucks and that’s fine!

Crédit Marie Kléber

It sucks. And it will always suck.
Rejection does. And it’s fine.

It’s just another blow. One you can handle.
Just like when the wind is messing up with your hair. No damage.
Not much you can do either.

Just say “ok”. And try again.
It will come again and again.
And you’ll go back on the scene again and again.
Knowing that despite rejection, there’s nothing else you’d like to do differently.