I used to pray and laugh and feel blessed. I used to talk to you. Day and night. I used to find solace when I turned my face towards you and you would smile back.
And then I lose track…
I thought you could be contained. In a religion. In a group. I looked for you in every place, every space. What happened? I don’t know. I started listening to other voices. It was the beginning of a search that took me to the edge. Deep darkness.
It felt like everything I knew was gone.
It felt like you were gone.
I read and prayed. I was lost. I lied to myself so many times. I thought I could catch you. In a place. In a book. Nonsense.
I tried and tried. I got tired, took roads which were not for me to walk. I tried to fit in. Fit in a mess that wasn’t mine. Fit in thoughts that I’d not agree with.
I called for you. I shouted at you. Why? Why? Why?
Nightmares would last and you were nowhere to be found.
And then, one day, I decided to let go. I could not walk anymore. I could not breathe anymore. I started to remember the girl I was once.
And you were there. You never left. You just waited for me to be ready to see you again.
You were in the silence of my heart. And the fragrance of my soul.