One Sweet Moment

Credit Photo @mariekleber37

It’s funny how, with some photos, you are back to the moment you took them, back to this place where you decided that the scene was so delicate it has to be kept. There were so funny together, best friends forever. It’s what they were saying to each other. And in kids langage it’s the best promise you can make!

Gone the cries and the tears, the messy parts of days, gone the fights for the best place at the table or the chosen coloring book. Gone the noise that make us want to leave the place, the space and find somewhere a bit of silence and rest.

It was just a moment and it’s that sweet moment that I wanted to celebrate!

Being the mum of a preteen

When kids are small we wish for them to grow, so we could breath a bit between chores, games and responsabilities. And then one day they are old enough to tell you that they don’t want any more cuddles, or nicknames in front of their friends. Old enough to walk alone to school and to spend days without asking for you.

You realize that your child is not a small kid anymore, even if he is only 9 years old. At his age – do you remember? – maybe you were the same. Maybe you wanted to be independant and break free, maybe you were only thinking about being with your friends…

Anyway, when you look at photos, something is telling you that many things will never be the same again. It feels good and yet a bit of nostalgia is taking over and you try as much as you can to deal with it, at your own pace.

You know for sure that your child is not your child, Khalil Gibran penned it so well, you can relate to it when you feel lost. He’s a child of the world and so your mission is to let him find his place and fly with strong wings as far as he’d like to go. When you see many struggling to have kids, many in pain with loss and grief, with empty nest and so much love to share, you start looking at what you hold in your hands, a wish, a life and you feel grateful to be able to be the first witness of growth – even if it’s tough at times! !!

How did you handle preteen years? Did you find it easy to let go?

Truth uncovered

He used to see him as a superhero. He used to see him this way, to get reassured maybe. At least, he had a dad. Not somebody he could call at night when ghosts came, or with whom he could play endless games.

His dad was just a photography, something he could look at when times were tough, when his only wish was to meet him. When my only one was to protect him. I doubted it but never changed my mind.

Now, he knows. It’s better and yet the superhero died, once and for all. His dad is just somebody he has to visit once a month for an hour and a half. He knows now that he was never like the other dads, that his mind played a movie so he could feel safe, so he could feel he was part of the big family plan. And not so alone.

It’s tough seeing him uncovering the truth. And yet it had to be done. His dad has to fall off his pedestal. He has to become man again.

It’s better than keeping the dream alive.

Being your mum

Credit photo @mariekleber37

We are getting to know each other. Day after day after day. It’s a rollercoaster and then a field trip with butterflies and rainbows.

It was not easy. I said it. Out loud. With guilt and without. We met in chaos and yet we’re still, alive and close, more happy than sad. Our miracle.

I knew, when leaving, that it’s the right choice. But I did not know it would take us to hell before we could see the first lights accross the night. It’s been a ride, one of a kind. With fear of loss and loss of innocence.

You drove me mad so many times, at a time I wasn’t able to cope with it. I got crazy and I thought I was, like he told me once. Tears went on and on. I needed tears to heal my wounds.

They all said it’s all about love but I know it’s not true. Love can’t do it all. It’s also about being able to face our greatest fears and to let go of our deepest desires. It’s about being able to say that we are not making it right, that something needs to be done.

And I did it. I let it all go, my mess, the awful days, your empty face, your pain, mine, the dark hours, me being stuck in the bathroom wishing to die, you lost behind the door and me being unable to reach out to you. I spat it out like it was lava. I broke free of years of humiliation and threats.

Sometimes we remember these moments and we laugh. Maybe it’s for the best. We are so different now. It does not change the past and I’d love if it could!

But only today matters and what we’re going to do with it. In a way it makes me stronger, our relationship, the way it is, I know what I’d fight for if I need to. It feels like I’m not afraid being your mum anymore…