Being your mum

Credit photo @mariekleber37

We are getting to know each other. Day after day after day. It’s a rollercoaster and then a field trip with butterflies and rainbows.

It was not easy. I said it. Out loud. With guilt and without. We met in chaos and yet we’re still, alive and close, more happy than sad. Our miracle.

I knew, when leaving, that it’s the right choice. But I did not know it would take us to hell before we could see the first lights accross the night. It’s been a ride, one of a kind. With fear of loss and loss of innocence.

You drove me mad so many times, at a time I wasn’t able to cope with it. I got crazy and I thought I was, like he told me once. Tears went on and on. I needed tears to heal my wounds.

They all said it’s all about love but I know it’s not true. Love can’t do it all. It’s also about being able to face our greatest fears and to let go of our deepest desires. It’s about being able to say that we are not making it right, that something needs to be done.

And I did it. I let it all go, my mess, the awful days, your empty face, your pain, mine, the dark hours, me being stuck in the bathroom wishing to die, you lost behind the door and me being unable to reach out to you. I spat it out like it was lava. I broke free of years of humiliation and threats.

Sometimes we remember these moments and we laugh. Maybe it’s for the best. We are so different now. It does not change the past and I’d love if it could!

But only today matters and what we’re going to do with it. In a way it makes me stronger, our relationship, the way it is, I know what I’d fight for if I need to. It feels like I’m not afraid being your mum anymore…

Strange Time – Special Time

This is a strange time. I was not prepared to it. To be true at first I was afraid  at the thought of staying home alone with my son. You may know, cause you are reading me for some time now, that motherhood is not that intuitive to me. It’s a challenging experience, a process, a road I took seven years ago not knowing at all what it was about.

This is a strange time, full of emotions going everywhere, taking all the place. There is joy and fear, love and doubts, wonderful suprises, chaotic moments, cries, laughs, so many ups, so many downs too.

It’s not really about being at home, nor about being separated from others, it’s really about finding our peace, our truth inside, it’s about listening to our inner voice, knowing what make sense, to us, it’s about learning who we are, expressing our needs. It’s an introspection, a time out of time, time to grow –  we grow when we struggle! It’s part of the deal too!

And you, how are you living it? Is it tough? Or quite easy? How would you define it? 

Finding our balance!

It’s been a while…
Like most of you I imagine, we’re home
We’re getting organised
We’re looking for our balance
Searching it every day
Finding bliss in silly little things
In moments of communion with neighbours we only see when we open our windows

It’s been a while
But we’ll be back more often

As a matter of fact my friend Salma in Canada got a new idea, a way of connecting.
So here we go…

And you what’re you up to?

Your story

@MK

Rewriting the story

Of an unknown love
As sacred as gold

Together since…
And yet I thougt
I could give you away

Precious gift
So tiny
Inside my belly

My steps
Frozen
My heart
Broken

A story
Of guilt
And love

Rewriting the story

So you can understand
Where you come from

Mister Pop!

Your smile
Like millions of stars brushing the sky
Our special bond
Between silver, teal and gold

Days without
With pain and anger

And days spent looking at the light blue sky
Talking to angels
Reading stories that never end

Rejoicing in saying “thank you”
Even for the unknown

Only one truth
Your birth and mine
Same heartbeat
Inside