November

Photo by Syed Hasan Mehdi on Pexels.com

November is said
To be the darkest month of all
Year coming to an end
Cold days and long nights

November is said
To bring back memories
Old beliefs spreaded by sad witches
Colors faiding into dullness

November is said
To come with nonsense
Emptiness filling the space
Hands full of madness

November
Time to close a chapter
Leaving behind the old
Getting ready for the next aventure

Blueprint

We knew, in a way
What we wanted
What we wished for

In a way, with nothing coming
To keep us away
For too long

We didn’t know
And it came
Like an unwanted surprise

We didn’t know
What was coming our way
Keeping us apart

Not too long
But enough
To make us wander

Enough time
For emptiness to grow
Our voices lost in day to day routine

Where do we stand between
Family gatherings
Our own familiar dreams

Where do we belong
In this new blueprint?

Being your mum

Credit photo @mariekleber37

We are getting to know each other. Day after day after day. It’s a rollercoaster and then a field trip with butterflies and rainbows.

It was not easy. I said it. Out loud. With guilt and without. We met in chaos and yet we’re still, alive and close, more happy than sad. Our miracle.

I knew, when leaving, that it’s the right choice. But I did not know it would take us to hell before we could see the first lights accross the night. It’s been a ride, one of a kind. With fear of loss and loss of innocence.

You drove me mad so many times, at a time I wasn’t able to cope with it. I got crazy and I thought I was, like he told me once. Tears went on and on. I needed tears to heal my wounds.

They all said it’s all about love but I know it’s not true. Love can’t do it all. It’s also about being able to face our greatest fears and to let go of our deepest desires. It’s about being able to say that we are not making it right, that something needs to be done.

And I did it. I let it all go, my mess, the awful days, your empty face, your pain, mine, the dark hours, me being stuck in the bathroom wishing to die, you lost behind the door and me being unable to reach out to you. I spat it out like it was lava. I broke free of years of humiliation and threats.

Sometimes we remember these moments and we laugh. Maybe it’s for the best. We are so different now. It does not change the past and I’d love if it could!

But only today matters and what we’re going to do with it. In a way it makes me stronger, our relationship, the way it is, I know what I’d fight for if I need to. It feels like I’m not afraid being your mum anymore…

Are we ready?

Photo by cottonbro on Pexels.com

Darkness has its own way
To come and go

Despite the chaos
We are many
To hang on to it
Feeling secure
Part of a community

As if darkness was a friend
That help us belong
To a wide community of
Shadow dancers
Terrified by natural lights

A colored world
Such an hopeful wish
But are we ready
To embrace its beauty?

Are we ready
For darkness to be part of the deal
Just not everything?
Are we ready to let go
Of what makes us shiver?
Are we ready to be searchers of light
In a world full of grey clouds?

Only the beginning

***

No more projects
Was this true?

Freedom of being
Doing what feels right

Acceptance of what is
Enjoying moments as they come
And go

Freedom of testing
Taking pleasure in the making

Projects are alive
Objectives belong to the past

And this is only the beginning of a brand new life…