I knew somehow that it was within me
This wish to experience
And enjoy life to the fullest
I took a road
Not the wrong one
Just one that took me so far away from myself
Far from joy
Far from life
I got a taste of what it is to become
To behave like a robot
Learning what to do and how to do it well
I got to taste living in a place
Where emotions were
to be buried inside
Where some subjects were
Dangerous to talk about
Where a word could be a weapon
I knew somehow that one day I would breath again
I would smile and laugh and experience
I would have fears that I could conquer
I would know love
And what it means to feel free to show my feelings
To talk about my dreams
To express who I am
In so many different ways
There was a time when I was full of anger and guilt.
Then I learnt about forgiveness. I looked behind and realized that the people who love me did the best they could with what they had at a special time.
They made amends. They acknowledged that they made mistakes, out of fear most of the time
I was afraid I could never go beyond what they thought was good for me. I was afraid to deceive them if I took a special road – afraid not to be able to trust my choice in front of them, disagreeing with it. And if I was to fail, afraid that they would come to me saying “we knew you would not make it”.
Then I forgave them. And started moving away slowly, very slowly from a place where pleasing others was my rule number one, where approval was key to a place where I started listening to my own voice.
I am less influenced by what they may think is right or wrong. I am learning to think by myself, for myself. I am more confident too.
And with forgiveness came love, a love that accepts them as they are. Without wishing them to believe what I believe, without asking them to understand my choices either. If they do it’s a must of course!