There was something before him. I wrote everything. I remember half of it. His love – today – does even change the past. Not what happened. But how I relate to it.
It’s less and less painful. I am moving to a place where I know myself better. Where I understand what happened better too.
Fear, it was.
Fear of not being accepted. Not being loved. I mean not being loveable. Or enough. Yes, this is it. These people who drag you down, they see themselves before seeing you. They think they are close to perfection. And you, not. You are millions steps away from it. And their job is to make you better. You should even feel blessed to have crossed their path. This is just bullshit.
So we were fake together. We didn’t work. We were not happy. Obviously. We got together for the wrong reasons. I was looking for recognition. I wanted to be useful. I wanted to count. And I got nothing but poor attention. I couldn’t count cause I wouldn’t match the perfect image of the perfect wife in a perfect mariage.
That’s it. Part of life experiences. I got lucky to escape and start again. It’s like winning the World Cup – I guess. Being able to stop the mess and start on a new track. Better road. Better people. No contest. Just be. Just love. Just live.
Kids love full houses. Voices. And people. And playing. Laughing. Games and big tables. Snacks and treats.
Maybe it’s the hardest part. The one that says, on a daily basis, it’s just the two of us.
Just him and me.
And seeing him missing something. The people. The voices. The fun. The funny part of life. Missing his friends as soon as we are back home. Missing his grand-parents as soon as they are back home.
When I feel down, I feel guilty.
But some days are good. Some days are even great fun. Just the two of us.
But I know he is in need of something more. So we go out. And spend days with family. And we meet people. And I try not to feel blue too often, or at least leave the blues for later. When he is in bed. And I remember the chance we have to be where we are.
Do we remember each one of them in the vastness of life?
Or do we keep only ones, ones with a difference. Ones with something special. Memories we keep in mind and revisit when we feel like
it’s time to remember something. So other things can make sense.
And when nothing make sense, maybe it’s good to look outside and watch nature unfolding its treasures. Just un front of our eyes.
They say that green is the color of hope. Green is everywhere these days,. Surely, we miss the sun. But rain is giving us this brightness, these colors, so we can breath in the power of nature revealing itself, blooming.
I am like everybody else, I like the warmth of yellow sparks. But I also love the music of the rain, the scent of it, the freshness, I like being in and out, celebrating with nature, watching kids jumping in puddles, with a bright smile on their faces. I love being with people not scared about it. So we can enjoy and feel free together.
Rain is like magical powder that chase away my deepest fears and pains.
How do you feel about rain? Tell me all about it my friends…
Away with the sun
Chasing blue skies
In the arms of a lifelong
Words come when I don’t expect them to show up. If I can’t catch them, I let them go. Or I find myself in a place of struggle. I don’t need more these days. I got enough on my plate. Some will say it’s all about being hypersensitive. Maybe. For me, it’s about digesting life events and news that don’t make sense to me. It’s about healing. And healing takes time…
I knew somehow that it was within me
This wish to experience
And enjoy life to the fullest
I took a road
Not the wrong one
Just one that took me so far away from myself
Far from joy
Far from life
I got a taste of what it is to become
To behave like a robot
Learning what to do and how to do it well
I got to taste living in a place
Where emotions were
to be buried inside
Where some subjects were
Dangerous to talk about
Where a word could be a weapon
I knew somehow that one day I would breath again
I would smile and laugh and experience
I would have fears that I could conquer
I would know love
And what it means to feel free to show my feelings
To talk about my dreams
To express who I am
In so many different ways
But where are You? Are You hiding? So You don’t have to face my questions. Where are You when the world of so many is falling apart?
I recall. You are not that far. But how can I reach to You with all this mess around?
Are You kidding? Are You really the Master of Life and Death? How do You decide who shall live and who shall die?
I won’t ask You why? I know there is no answer to this question.
Every time, I feel like, it is breaking something inside. I must be made of millions and millions pieces of multiple shapes, cause I am still there, I still breath, my hears beats. I am alive. When there is nothing left , I will still have You? I hope.
I need trust. I need faith. I need to believe in something greater so I won’t dive into this space of emptiness. Will I ever get this? Will I ever understand why young people die? Just like this. In a blink of an eye.
I don’t know. It just happened. After the holidays. Second year of primary school. It started.
And then it was the same deal for the next four years.
Some teachers were trying, not that hard, to stop it. Others would join in the mess. Yes. It’s hard to imagine, isn’t it?
People in general would say “they’re just kids”.
And then, we (society) started talking about bullying. We realized it was dangerous. We put things and actions in place to help the bullied one and the bulliy. At least, we did something.
I experienced it a bit in secondary school too, till the day I stood up for myself. It was the end of it. Just like that. It happened. I could breath again without wondering what blow would come next. And from where.
Obviously, I don’t wish anybody to experience any of this. But bullying still happens. It’s a threat. It does even kill young kids nowadays. It’s tough to realize that nothing really change in 32 years. Maybe more. It’s tough to see that it even start in preschool…
Do you or your kids experienced it? How did you manage. Did you get help / support? Or were you on your own to deal with it?