What I choose to keep

Credit @mariekleber37

I was at my grand-mother’s place at the weekend and I went through old writing, words she kept like a treasure! Old love, loss stories and blog posts.

I looked at words, thinking “God, you had it all wrong!” I think I wrote a different story than the one I was living, just so I could survive it. It’s crazy but it helped.

I nearly couldn’t believe what I was reading, like it came from another life, a place I visited in dreams. Like it wasn’t me. And it wasn’t me, the “today” me. It was just an old version, somebody I used to be, somebody trying to fit in a life that wasn’t right for her.

I hated people for this, for not understanding I wanted to be somebody, even if it came with harm and sadness. And it did came with all of this, tears and hopelessness, violence and pain. At least, through hell, I was made of something.

How did I knew it? I was breakable. Like made of porcelain.

Old life. I took everything to the paper bin. Relief. I don’t need this. I don’t need to remember, it’s there anyway. And I am fine with it, fine with who I was, what I trade for peace or whatever I was looking for. It’s a big chapter and yet it’s nothing more than that.

I had my chance and I took it, despite the mess and the chaos. Maybe if there’s one thing to keep of these years, it’s this!

And you, what do you choose to keep? Which of your memories make a difference in your life today?

Womb awakening

We are part of the same network
Blood linking us together
Your pain is not mine
And yet…
It’s written in my DNA

We’re familly
This special bond
Many pains brought together
And never we thought
It could be different

It’s time
To walk alone
No guilt in letting go
Of a story untold

No guilt in leaving
Someone ought to break
The invisible link
Of hardships

We can’t carry on
Letting the past decide
Of our future

It’s time
For each one of us
To make the choice
Of better tomorrows

May we bring forgivness
Inside
Whathever we may feel
Whathever our scars

We are the only ones
With the power
To heal each other’s wounds

By choosing ourselves
Our own growth
Our own pace

The freedom to be
Our own savior
Our best mate

Finding outside the lineage
Our own truth
Our voice
Hidden behind the veil of distress

Your story

@MK

Rewriting the story

Of an unknown love
As sacred as gold

Together since…
And yet I thougt
I could give you away

Precious gift
So tiny
Inside my belly

My steps
Frozen
My heart
Broken

A story
Of guilt
And love

Rewriting the story

So you can understand
Where you come from

A new road…

It struck me recently. This life, building undergrounds, searching to get out and breath. And yet building more, as if walking without something between me and the sky, between me and the bright light, was too fearful.

So I kept finding ways to escape. I kept running out of energy in search of something I would not even dare to catch.

It sounds a bit crazy. And yet it makes complete sense when I think about it, when I take a glimpse at what I grew up with…

The idea that life and struggle come together. So if I am at peace, I may die. And I don’t want to die. So I stay in darkness, I stay in this place where I need to fight and fight back to stay alive. Every battle is a blessing, a chance given to me to live. One more day.

I don’t want to build any more tunnels, I wish to walk a new road…

The memory of you

I don’t know why you poped up into my mind this morning. Your memory.

I remember, will always, where I was when the phone rang, how I felt.  I somewhere knew what was about to be said. Something written since the day you entered my life. It could not last. Life like this. Life in a place of suffering. Pain, inside your head, in your body. Your fainted smile as the years went by.

Sometimes a glimpse of hope. Sometimes a chance, maybe. But every time it went as it came. And we remained there, on the threshold of a new dawn, the heart lost in a future that we could only imagine, that would never be yours to walk towards.

The end. I was prepared and yet, I lost balance. I felt relieved for you. I felt pain rushing into my blood and anger filling the space with emptiness.

You were so young. I was so full of dreams, thinking I could overcome every difficulty, I could break the silence they put between us. Your parents thought I was judging them. They felt guilty enough for not being able to look after you the way others thought they ought to.

They were wrong. I was on their side. I was your godmother, not a complete stranger with straight ideas on what it takes and what it means of rasing a disabled child.

You were always an angel anyway. To me. When death took you away, you just get home. You are somewhere between the stars. In my heart for ever. A part of my life. A bright one despite the end, despite all that went wrong between the day I hold you tight in that church and the day the phone rang to tell me you passed away. We did not say goodbye.

Writing Prompt #4

We did not know what love was
We thought it was becoming one another
Or losing our identity
We thought it was being there
Without giving
Without listening
We thought it was losing our voice
So we could create a brand new reality

We did not know so we tried
We fought battles so we could stop the tide
From taking us afar with no chance of coming back

We did not know but we played the game
Thinking that feelings would keep us safe
And sane

We kept putting love
Into brackets
Trying to define it
Without the correct lens

Till
We became two strangers

Walking into darkness
Tears falling on deserted gardens
Where flowers could not bloom

We did not know what love was
We broke each other’s hearts
Till there was nothing left
But empty fields
With holes where we could hide
Thinking it would end the madness
That kept us in a delusive togetherness

This is a text written as part of Writing Prompt proposed by Mona