Despite the silence

Awake at night
I wish I could feel
Your breath against
My bare skin

I keep your absence
At a distance
By fear of scars
Messing with the present

I wish I could
Sweep them away
I wish I could
Erase darkness

Just like this
Just with the power
Of my thoughts

But at times
It’s back and with it
Chaos and Tears

I don’t seem to be able
To master them
So I fall with them

I escape the world
I move away from your touch
I let silence do the talking

I am grieving, alone
So you won’t have to take care
Of my broken soul
Once again

Place of Love

credit @mariekleber37

I am finding my way
Against the crowd

Allowing myself to feel blessed
By words I’ll never hear

Some are able to say love
When others are hiding their feelings

Love is somewhere else
In a place of childhood memories

Well kept forever
So we can find them
When tides are high
And our hearts search in vain
A place to stop
Or start again

Being your mum

Credit photo @mariekleber37

We are getting to know each other. Day after day after day. It’s a rollercoaster and then a field trip with butterflies and rainbows.

It was not easy. I said it. Out loud. With guilt and without. We met in chaos and yet we’re still, alive and close, more happy than sad. Our miracle.

I knew, when leaving, that it’s the right choice. But I did not know it would take us to hell before we could see the first lights accross the night. It’s been a ride, one of a kind. With fear of loss and loss of innocence.

You drove me mad so many times, at a time I wasn’t able to cope with it. I got crazy and I thought I was, like he told me once. Tears went on and on. I needed tears to heal my wounds.

They all said it’s all about love but I know it’s not true. Love can’t do it all. It’s also about being able to face our greatest fears and to let go of our deepest desires. It’s about being able to say that we are not making it right, that something needs to be done.

And I did it. I let it all go, my mess, the awful days, your empty face, your pain, mine, the dark hours, me being stuck in the bathroom wishing to die, you lost behind the door and me being unable to reach out to you. I spat it out like it was lava. I broke free of years of humiliation and threats.

Sometimes we remember these moments and we laugh. Maybe it’s for the best. We are so different now. It does not change the past and I’d love if it could!

But only today matters and what we’re going to do with it. In a way it makes me stronger, our relationship, the way it is, I know what I’d fight for if I need to. It feels like I’m not afraid being your mum anymore…