I used to pray and laugh and feel blessed. I used to talk to you. Day and night. I used to find solace when I turned my face towards you and you would smile back.
And then I lose track…
I thought you could be contained. In a religion. In a group. I looked for you in every place, every space. What happened? I don’t know. I started listening to other voices. It was the beginning of a search that took me to the edge. Deep darkness.
It felt like everything I knew was gone.
It felt like you were gone.
I read and prayed. I was lost. I lied to myself so many times. I thought I could catch you. In a place. In a book. Nonsense.
I tried and tried. I got tired, took roads which were not for me to walk. I tried to fit in. Fit in a mess that wasn’t mine. Fit in thoughts that I’d not agree with.
I called for you. I shouted at you. Why? Why? Why?
Nightmares would last and you were nowhere to be found.
And then, one day, I decided to let go. I could not walk anymore. I could not breathe anymore. I started to remember the girl I was once.
And you were there. You never left. You just waited for me to be ready to see you again.
You were in the silence of my heart. And the fragrance of my soul.
I am learning that her story is not mine
It’s not the easiest part It is a path of love and acceptance
Of what was
And what is
Of her feelings
And her pain
I felt angry at times
When I was younger
Hearing that she’d rather like to die
It is no lie
I thought cancer would change her
Make her feel more aware of the beauty around
And the past would go
Would let her breath in peace
And live without shadows
But it’s not my story
I have no power
It’s not about me
All the love I have can’t change the deal
The past is engraved
In every cell of her body
I am learning to love her as she is
With her memories
Her idea that life is just a messy road
Trying to protect me
When she says she’d rather like death
Knowing that it’s not against me
It’s just the only space
That could set her free
Take my hand
I’ll show you the world My world
The empty spaces in my dreams
The heavy clouds in my nights
The happy smiles in my days
The waves crashing against the rocks
You’ll see how beautiful it is
When you stand still and breathe deeply
Knowing there is no other place
You’d like to be
Just there, holding my hand
And saying out loud
To the sky and the sea
To the world and the hearts
That despite all fears
You are free!
It happened by surprise. One day, it came and never left.
I had it within me? Maybe.
For what I know it was a simple joy that became my worst nightmare for 4 years. Just at the idea of it, I could feel my body aching and my mind racing. It was the time of the day I’d like to skip, the hour I wanted to erase from the memories.
The first years after that, it was tough. I would find myself hearing voices and feel like crap again.
One day it changed. One day it felt natural. One day I would find solace in it. One day I relalized it was one of my way to say “I love you”.
The day the love of cooking came into my life was a very special day…