There was something before him. I wrote everything. I remember half of it. His love – today – does even change the past. Not what happened. But how I relate to it.
It’s less and less painful. I am moving to a place where I know myself better. Where I understand what happened better too.
Fear, it was.
Fear of not being accepted. Not being loved. I mean not being loveable. Or enough. Yes, this is it. These people who drag you down, they see themselves before seeing you. They think they are close to perfection. And you, not. You are millions steps away from it. And their job is to make you better. You should even feel blessed to have crossed their path. This is just bullshit.
So we were fake together. We didn’t work. We were not happy. Obviously. We got together for the wrong reasons. I was looking for recognition. I wanted to be useful. I wanted to count. And I got nothing but poor attention. I couldn’t count cause I wouldn’t match the perfect image of the perfect wife in a perfect mariage.
That’s it. Part of life experiences. I got lucky to escape and start again. It’s like winning the World Cup – I guess. Being able to stop the mess and start on a new track. Better road. Better people. No contest. Just be. Just love. Just live.
I knew somehow that it was within me
This wish to experience
And enjoy life to the fullest
I took a road
Not the wrong one
Just one that took me so far away from myself
Far from joy
Far from life
I got a taste of what it is to become
To behave like a robot
Learning what to do and how to do it well
I got to taste living in a place
Where emotions were
to be buried inside
Where some subjects were
Dangerous to talk about
Where a word could be a weapon
I knew somehow that one day I would breath again
I would smile and laugh and experience
I would have fears that I could conquer
I would know love
And what it means to feel free to show my feelings
To talk about my dreams
To express who I am
In so many different ways
I don’t know. It just happened. After the holidays. Second year of primary school. It started.
And then it was the same deal for the next four years.
Some teachers were trying, not that hard, to stop it. Others would join in the mess. Yes. It’s hard to imagine, isn’t it?
People in general would say “they’re just kids”.
And then, we (society) started talking about bullying. We realized it was dangerous. We put things and actions in place to help the bullied one and the bulliy. At least, we did something.
I experienced it a bit in secondary school too, till the day I stood up for myself. It was the end of it. Just like that. It happened. I could breath again without wondering what blow would come next. And from where.
Obviously, I don’t wish anybody to experience any of this. But bullying still happens. It’s a threat. It does even kill young kids nowadays. It’s tough to realize that nothing really change in 32 years. Maybe more. It’s tough to see that it even start in preschool…
Do you or your kids experienced it? How did you manage. Did you get help / support? Or were you on your own to deal with it?
It’s hard not to. Not to remember this night. Hard to see the number 13 on the screen and feel nothing. It’s hard to forget. Hard to behave like none of this happened.
We can try. Some are good at it. Some are good at closing their eyes. Some don’t want to remember. Cause it’s too tough. Cause it’s too soon maybe. Cause they don’t see why this would make a difference.
I don’t want to close my eyes. I don’t want to forget. Even if it makes me shiver. Even if it’s far from what I believe and pray for. Even if I don’t understand and if I’d rather see love than blood on the day screens.
I can say it does not matter. I was not one of them. I was out of the mess of this terrible night. I’d lie. I was there, crying, feeling the pain of those who died, of those who survived. I was there, knowing our world would never be the same again, letting go of layers of fears, trying to find solace in kid’s innocent smiles.
When darkness threatens the foundations of our lives, we can’t keep going like nothing is real. We ought to walk, confident, holding to hope like a second skin, towards the light.
It happened by surprise. One day, it came and never left.
I had it within me? Maybe.
For what I know it was a simple joy that became my worst nightmare for 4 years. Just at the idea of it, I could feel my body aching and my mind racing. It was the time of the day I’d like to skip, the hour I wanted to erase from the memories.
The first years after that, it was tough. I would find myself hearing voices and feel like crap again.
One day it changed. One day it felt natural. One day I would find solace in it. One day I relalized it was one of my way to say “I love you”.
The day the love of cooking came into my life was a very special day…
You remember when we met so early in the morning, it’s still dark outside and the air was quite cold. We were wearing our runners and warm jackets over jumpers made with wool. You’d wait for me at the corner of the main street. We’d have a look at the sea before starting our trip. We’d walk under the moon, then under the sun or the dark clouds, depending on the weather forecast, for two, three, four hours. We’d talk about life and whatever was in our minds these days, doubts, pain, wishes, sweet dreams and trips back home being planned for a couple of days – France for me – a couple of weeks – Arizona for you.
I miss you, your shining smile, your heart as big and sweet as – as what – as a chocolate pudding with ice cream on top, your hugs making me feel fully alive. I miss our talks and the way we used to support each other.
I miss stopping by your home and seeing that you get a new juicer, fresh fruits and this green paste that sounded like torture to me, you said was so healthy. You’d prepare some tea and we’d sit down outside, telling each other how great it’s to be single, sharing our must reads and trying to figure out what the future holds for us.
I miss you, your tears – you were never afraid of letting them go. I’d listen to you trying to love yourself. I thought – I still think – you’re such a gem, a precious person, a wonderful friend. I know I am blessed to have you in my life even though we only see each other once a year, even though we don’t talk that much in between.
I wish I could leave work today and have tea with you. I’d show you around. We would walk in the garden, sit for a while; we’d look at the world and rejoice to be together.