I am finding my way
Against the crowd
Allowing myself to feel blessed
By words I’ll never hear
Some are able to say love
When others are hiding their feelings
Love is somewhere else
In a place of childhood memories
Well kept forever
So we can find them
When tides are high
And our hearts search in vain
A place to stop
Or start again
Photo by @mariekleber37
We used to be…
Life came in
With its ups and downs
Days apart
Years ahead of us
Unknowing of what will last
We used to be…
Knowing by heart
The good and the bad
Feelings kept
Mess being said
Out loud
We used to be…
Never without time
For best wishes
Never thinking
It would not last
We used to be friends
True, safe and secure harbor
Tears shared
Falling apart in one another’s arms
Maybe something happened
Something I am not aware of
Or maybe it’s just life
Me leaving and you staying
Maybe you belong to the past
A past I could have never bore without you
Your smile brought light into darkness
Your golden heart
I do miss you my friend
I left you somewhere near the river
I don’t know why you’re not there anymore
We drifted away maybe
I’m left with question marks
All over the place
Maybe it’s the way life goes
Letting you fly
Letting you decide what’s best to try
Knowing that if you wish, one day
To come back and play
I’ll be there, by the shore
Ready to start again where we left it
Just if you…
Will I be able to let the past where it belongs?
At the beginning of the year, it came back in a rush. I did not want to but yet it knocked at my door and I let it in. Not fully but enough so it could mess up with me again.
Memories, fears, doubts.
Again.
The need to explain my choices and to prove something. The guilt. The pain. It’s crazy how some people can bring to light the best in you and some can only take you down in a second and make you feel useless and lame!
The past came back and I felt strong for a while and then the same old story kept on playing, I wanted to scream. I put on a mask, the one that says “I am ok, I can deal with it.”
Will I, one day?
Ok, I made a bad choice once. Do I have to pay for ever? Or will I be free at some stage of all this nonsense?
Maybe the key is to close the door and don’t try to be nice again. Why should I be?
The key IS to stop trying so hard. This past doesn’t deserve anything from me. And anyway it’s made of nothing. It’s harsh I know and I feel bad sometimes to think like this. Maybe I should stop feeling bad about this, as well!
In fact I am the only one free to show up and say “fuck you!” Once and forever!
I was at my grand-mother’s place at the weekend and I went through old writing, words she kept like a treasure! Old love, loss stories and blog posts.
I looked at words, thinking “God, you had it all wrong!” I think I wrote a different story than the one I was living, just so I could survive it. It’s crazy but it helped.
I nearly couldn’t believe what I was reading, like it came from another life, a place I visited in dreams. Like it wasn’t me. And it wasn’t me, the “today” me. It was just an old version, somebody I used to be, somebody trying to fit in a life that wasn’t right for her.
I hated people for this, for not understanding I wanted to be somebody, even if it came with harm and sadness. And it did came with all of this, tears and hopelessness, violence and pain. At least, through hell, I was made of something.
How did I knew it? I was breakable. Like made of porcelain.
Old life. I took everything to the paper bin. Relief. I don’t need this. I don’t need to remember, it’s there anyway. And I am fine with it, fine with who I was, what I trade for peace or whatever I was looking for. It’s a big chapter and yet it’s nothing more than that.
I had my chance and I took it, despite the mess and the chaos. Maybe if there’s one thing to keep of these years, it’s this!
And you, what do you choose to keep? Which of your memories make a difference in your life today?
Whatever the way
Something happened here
In between
Something that needs
To be healed
Reading words
Pinned on the fridge
Saturday morning
Memories kept
Memories fading
Your heart is a thieve
Shivers through the skin
Past love gone blind
Memories kept
Memories fading
Grey sky turning black
The sound of thunder behind
No place to hide
Memories kept
Memories fading
For the present only
Hold the key
To peaceful growth
And serenity
A song
Well known by all
Song of pain
And trust
Tomorrows are waiting
To be written
Open your heart
To the eternal light
And then pain will fly away
Like birds migrating to warmer lands
Will remain the song
Of the harp strings gently touched
By sacred hands
