Strange Time – Special Time

This is a strange time. I was not prepared to it. To be true at first I was afraid  at the thought of staying home alone with my son. You may know, cause you are reading me for some time now, that motherhood is not that intuitive to me. It’s a challenging experience, a process, a road I took seven years ago not knowing at all what it was about.

This is a strange time, full of emotions going everywhere, taking all the place. There is joy and fear, love and doubts, wonderful suprises, chaotic moments, cries, laughs, so many ups, so many downs too.

It’s not really about being at home, nor about being separated from others, it’s really about finding our peace, our truth inside, it’s about listening to our inner voice, knowing what make sense, to us, it’s about learning who we are, expressing our needs. It’s an introspection, a time out of time, time to grow –  we grow when we struggle! It’s part of the deal too!

And you, how are you living it? Is it tough? Or quite easy? How would you define it? 

Your story

@MK

Rewriting the story

Of an unknown love
As sacred as gold

Together since…
And yet I thougt
I could give you away

Precious gift
So tiny
Inside my belly

My steps
Frozen
My heart
Broken

A story
Of guilt
And love

Rewriting the story

So you can understand
Where you come from

Mister Pop!

Your smile
Like millions of stars brushing the sky
Our special bond
Between silver, teal and gold

Days without
With pain and anger

And days spent looking at the light blue sky
Talking to angels
Reading stories that never end

Rejoicing in saying “thank you”
Even for the unknown

Only one truth
Your birth and mine
Same heartbeat
Inside

Learning always…

I am learning. The ups and downs. In search of my balance always. Every day, acknowledging what’s working and what’s not.

The need to get in touch with me and the failure of not being able to do so. Most of the time. Except maybe when silence is on play, when lights are down.

I am learning to accept it, this place of bruises, place of emptiness. Never being sure. Always doubting.

I left fear and I thought I would never feel this way again. And yet, it’s another kind of fear. One that needs care so I can defy it every single day.

I wanted to be strong. And yet I am not. Embracing it makes it less painful. I feel the urge to open my eyes, to let the words flow, to open the door so I can stand on the edge and stop hidding, stop saying ok when it’s not, stop behaving like all is under control, stop pretending.

Maybe this is my chance.

Of being human. And learning to let go, after all. Day by day. Layer by layer. Till I can look at myself in the mirror and only feel love. For who I am. Without control and conditions. Without wanting to be different.

Writing prompt #2

You came and you lifted the veil.

From one generation to the other, we were girls. We carried the burdens of the past. We could feel strings taking us back, when we tried to move on and build our life.

We were like flowers ready to bloom and wiped out by a wind of memories.  The story would keep repeating itself. A story of thorns and bloody drama.

Till you came.

A little boy in a precious basket. Like a messanger from above. Like you were send by angels to peace my heart and give me reasons to hope. The link of pain was severed.

When I look at you, I picture us in a garden full of beautiful roses, blue sky and fairy tales, trees bending to welcome us. Hand in hand we are strong to face the world.

This is my entry to the Writing Prompt by Mona.

Motherhood sad song

Copyright Marie Kléber

I dreamt of a life which could never be ours
Just so I could keep going

With you by my side
So many mixed feelings

When we are together
My weaknesses taking all the place

We are creating something out of love
It should be beautiful
It’s messy most of the time

I wish I could be the mum I dreamt of
For you
But I am just a pale copy of it
Full of insecurities
Cracks

With my hypersensitivity taking over
I feel out of place

Even my love seems weak
When I can’t make your feel better
When I let all my anger out for nothing
When I lose track of you

Innocent
In need of me

So beautiful
In your own way

How could I take good care of you
When I forget to look after myself so often

I wonder…

Why so many people want kids they can’t have
And me
Having you
Screwing it up most of the time…

But still I am fighting back
Still believing in something greater
Still thinking that maybe you’ll be able to sort out things
What’s good for you and what you can let go

Some people will add…
Still doing my best – I can go without it
Or if this is my best, it’s quite sad

The best for them

Copyright Marie Kléber

We may want for
Our kids
The best

We may want for
Our Kids
To erase
All our wrong choices

We may want for
Our kids
Better jobs
And greater dreams

But we can’t make them be
Who they are not

We can’t make them change
So they can fit
In the perfect picture
We built
To keep us sane

We can’t ask them to be
Us
Before our world collapsed
Because of our regrets

We can only wish
For them
To find their truth

It’s not love

They say “it’s love”
But it’s not

Love is not
About making people
Feel like they count for nothing

Love is not
About making people
Feel guilty all the time

Love is not
About making people
Think they are monsters in disguise

Love is not
About causing people pain

Love is not
About making people
Suffer and cry

Some mums don’t love
They manage
They manipulate
They kill slowly
The ones they ought to love the most

They say
“You’re my child but I can’t stand you”

So stop thinking “it’s love”
It’s not
It’s possession
It’s having someone
They can destroy at will
Slowly…
Without people noticing it

Cause they’re mums
And mums don’t hate
They love