Being your mum

Credit photo @mariekleber37

We are getting to know each other. Day after day after day. It’s a rollercoaster and then a field trip with butterflies and rainbows.

It was not easy. I said it. Out loud. With guilt and without. We met in chaos and yet we’re still, alive and close, more happy than sad. Our miracle.

I knew, when leaving, that it’s the right choice. But I did not know it would take us to hell before we could see the first lights accross the night. It’s been a ride, one of a kind. With fear of loss and loss of innocence.

You drove me mad so many times, at a time I wasn’t able to cope with it. I got crazy and I thought I was, like he told me once. Tears went on and on. I needed tears to heal my wounds.

They all said it’s all about love but I know it’s not true. Love can’t do it all. It’s also about being able to face our greatest fears and to let go of our deepest desires. It’s about being able to say that we are not making it right, that something needs to be done.

And I did it. I let it all go, my mess, the awful days, your empty face, your pain, mine, the dark hours, me being stuck in the bathroom wishing to die, you lost behind the door and me being unable to reach out to you. I spat it out like it was lava. I broke free of years of humiliation and threats.

Sometimes we remember these moments and we laugh. Maybe it’s for the best. We are so different now. It does not change the past and I’d love if it could!

But only today matters and what we’re going to do with it. In a way it makes me stronger, our relationship, the way it is, I know what I’d fight for if I need to. It feels like I’m not afraid being your mum anymore…

Parts of my story

Crédit Photo @mariekleber37

This morning Kim posted something on Facebook about her story, the story of her sister Kay, the story she kept telling, again and again, because it’s hers and because it’s much needed too.

I know some people would rather like me to stop telling MY story. And I’d like this too, to mark a full stop. And yet even if it’s past, it’s always there, in the air. Because I have a child and he has a father, somebody he doesn’t know that much but somebody I know is toxic for him, as he was for me.

And sometimes I feel down, I feel like it’s never ending, like the choice I made back in march 2009 is still haunting me and will always. Like we’ll never be really safe.

Sometimes I wish he’d die, just so we could be free, my son and I, not always wondering what’s the next blow to come, what kind of challenge we’ll have to face again.

I realized I can’t start a new book thinking I can erase him, draw a line accross his existance. I just have to deal with it.

Maybe it’s the hardest part. But yet one day my son will be old enough and strong enough to deal with this mess. Till then I’d like to spare him as much as I can.

I am feeling lonely. This story impacted many people in my life and I don’t want anymore chaos or insomnia for them. I don’t want their fears added to mine. So I keep quiet and I pray. And in the morning I feel strong again and I know that as long as I am alive I will never let him mess up with our lives again, I will protect us, whatever the price I must pay.

One Wish

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I had many wishes for many years
Dreams penned on coloured papers
Promises held in hands
Full of hope

Images of what life could be if…

2021 and one only
Peace at home after all
No more pain and tears
The energy to manage hardships

Yes peace in the place where
We ought to be
Without a painted smile
Free for once

2021 and one wish
Understanding you at last
So we don’t miss a chance
So we don’t spend our life fighting
Speaking words crushing our hearts in pieces

One wish for you and me
If there is any way, it can come true
So may it be…

As for you my readers, I wish you a bright and peaceful, rich and blessed year 2021! Stay safe and keep spreading love through your words.

Strange Time – Special Time

This is a strange time. I was not prepared to it. To be true at first I was afraid  at the thought of staying home alone with my son. You may know, cause you are reading me for some time now, that motherhood is not that intuitive to me. It’s a challenging experience, a process, a road I took seven years ago not knowing at all what it was about.

This is a strange time, full of emotions going everywhere, taking all the place. There is joy and fear, love and doubts, wonderful suprises, chaotic moments, cries, laughs, so many ups, so many downs too.

It’s not really about being at home, nor about being separated from others, it’s really about finding our peace, our truth inside, it’s about listening to our inner voice, knowing what make sense, to us, it’s about learning who we are, expressing our needs. It’s an introspection, a time out of time, time to grow –  we grow when we struggle! It’s part of the deal too!

And you, how are you living it? Is it tough? Or quite easy? How would you define it? 

Your story

@MK

Rewriting the story

Of an unknown love
As sacred as gold

Together since…
And yet I thougt
I could give you away

Precious gift
So tiny
Inside my belly

My steps
Frozen
My heart
Broken

A story
Of guilt
And love

Rewriting the story

So you can understand
Where you come from