Friends Apart

Photo by @mariekleber37

We used to be…

Life came in
With its ups and downs
Days apart
Years ahead of us
Unknowing of what will last

We used to be…

Knowing by heart
The good and the bad
Feelings kept
Mess being said
Out loud

We used to be…

Never without time
For best wishes
Never thinking
It would not last

We used to be friends

True, safe and secure harbor
Tears shared
Falling apart in one another’s arms

Maybe something happened
Something I am not aware of
Or maybe it’s just life
Me leaving and you staying

Maybe you belong to the past
A past I could have never bore without you
Your smile brought light into darkness
Your golden heart

I do miss you my friend
I left you somewhere near the river
I don’t know why you’re not there anymore
We drifted away maybe

I’m left with question marks
All over the place
Maybe it’s the way life goes

Letting you fly
Letting you decide what’s best to try
Knowing that if you wish, one day
To come back and play
I’ll be there, by the shore
Ready to start again where we left it

Just if you…

Again…

The hardest part is
Seeing somebody you love
Signing for the same life
Same lies
Heading for the same shore
Same shame

Someone knowing your story
Knowing the pain
Knowing the mess
Still feeling her story is different
Still thinking her relationship is safe

Someone you know you can’t help
Someone willing to believe
She will make it
When you know it will break her

Parts of my story

Crédit Photo @mariekleber37

This morning Kim posted something on Facebook about her story, the story of her sister Kay, the story she kept telling, again and again, because it’s hers and because it’s much needed too.

I know some people would rather like me to stop telling MY story. And I’d like this too, to mark a full stop. And yet even if it’s past, it’s always there, in the air. Because I have a child and he has a father, somebody he doesn’t know that much but somebody I know is toxic for him, as he was for me.

And sometimes I feel down, I feel like it’s never ending, like the choice I made back in march 2009 is still haunting me and will always. Like we’ll never be really safe.

Sometimes I wish he’d die, just so we could be free, my son and I, not always wondering what’s the next blow to come, what kind of challenge we’ll have to face again.

I realized I can’t start a new book thinking I can erase him, draw a line accross his existance. I just have to deal with it.

Maybe it’s the hardest part. But yet one day my son will be old enough and strong enough to deal with this mess. Till then I’d like to spare him as much as I can.

I am feeling lonely. This story impacted many people in my life and I don’t want anymore chaos or insomnia for them. I don’t want their fears added to mine. So I keep quiet and I pray. And in the morning I feel strong again and I know that as long as I am alive I will never let him mess up with our lives again, I will protect us, whatever the price I must pay.