I woke up yesterday thinking of the date
November is full of memories
Not ones I regret
But yet just shots of life
And something we could call death
This taste of sorrow
And yet life again taking control
Pushing us on the road
The one we would like to avoid
From a distance it looks lonely
And dark and gloomy
But once we are on
We could see lights
Multicolor sparkles on the side
Colorful papers lanterns illuminating the sky
And people walking too
With dreams deceived and new ones to draw
People like us trying hard
And having faith in something big enough
To make them want to keep going
We are getting to know each other. Day after day after day. It’s a rollercoaster and then a field trip with butterflies and rainbows.
It was not easy. I said it. Out loud. With guilt and without. We met in chaos and yet we’re still, alive and close, more happy than sad. Our miracle.
I knew, when leaving, that it’s the right choice. But I did not know it would take us to hell before we could see the first lights accross the night. It’s been a ride, one of a kind. With fear of loss and loss of innocence.
You drove me mad so many times, at a time I wasn’t able to cope with it. I got crazy and I thought I was, like he told me once. Tears went on and on. I needed tears to heal my wounds.
They all said it’s all about love but I know it’s not true. Love can’t do it all. It’s also about being able to face our greatest fears and to let go of our deepest desires. It’s about being able to say that we are not making it right, that something needs to be done.
And I did it. I let it all go, my mess, the awful days, your empty face, your pain, mine, the dark hours, me being stuck in the bathroom wishing to die, you lost behind the door and me being unable to reach out to you. I spat it out like it was lava. I broke free of years of humiliation and threats.
Sometimes we remember these moments and we laugh. Maybe it’s for the best. We are so different now. It does not change the past and I’d love if it could!
But only today matters and what we’re going to do with it. In a way it makes me stronger, our relationship, the way it is, I know what I’d fight for if I need to. It feels like I’m not afraid being your mum anymore…
I was at my grand-mother’s place at the weekend and I went through old writing, words she kept like a treasure! Old love, loss stories and blog posts.
I looked at words, thinking “God, you had it all wrong!” I think I wrote a different story than the one I was living, just so I could survive it. It’s crazy but it helped.
I nearly couldn’t believe what I was reading, like it came from another life, a place I visited in dreams. Like it wasn’t me. And it wasn’t me, the “today” me. It was just an old version, somebody I used to be, somebody trying to fit in a life that wasn’t right for her.
I hated people for this, for not understanding I wanted to be somebody, even if it came with harm and sadness. And it did came with all of this, tears and hopelessness, violence and pain. At least, through hell, I was made of something.
How did I knew it? I was breakable. Like made of porcelain.
Old life. I took everything to the paper bin. Relief. I don’t need this. I don’t need to remember, it’s there anyway. And I am fine with it, fine with who I was, what I trade for peace or whatever I was looking for. It’s a big chapter and yet it’s nothing more than that.
I had my chance and I took it, despite the mess and the chaos. Maybe if there’s one thing to keep of these years, it’s this!
And you, what do you choose to keep? Which of your memories make a difference in your life today?
Bright colors, golden links
Drafting lines between sky and earth
Arabesques changing the world
In million of stars
Subjects come and go
There’s always something
We ought to look at
Or our garden can quickly got
Hundreds of weeds everywhere
Looking like a forgotten land
Step by step
Getting to know ourselves
Great discoveries ahead of us
Only if we take the road
If we’re ready to listen to the call
We’ve got a lifetime
But waiting too long
Can make us fear the start
Too many rocks on the way
Too many bridges to cross
Too many subjects we used to hide away from
Step by step
Giving ourselves the chance
Of the greatest adventure:
The journey towards our heart!
I had many wishes for many years
Dreams penned on coloured papers
Promises held in hands
Full of hope
Images of what life could be if…
2021 and one only
Peace at home after all
No more pain and tears
The energy to manage hardships
Yes peace in the place where
We ought to be
Without a painted smile
Free for once
2021 and one wish
Understanding you at last
So we don’t miss a chance
So we don’t spend our life fighting
Speaking words crushing our hearts in pieces
One wish for you and me
If there is any way, it can come true
So may it be…
As for you my readers, I wish you a bright and peaceful, rich and blessed year 2021! Stay safe and keep spreading love through your words.