It struck me recently. This life, building undergrounds, searching to get out and breath. And yet building more, as if walking without something between me and the sky, between me and the bright light, was too fearful.
So I kept finding ways to escape. I kept running out of energy in search of something I would not even dare to catch.
It sounds a bit crazy. And yet it makes complete sense when I think about it, when I take a glimpse at what I grew up with…
The idea that life and struggle come together. So if I am at peace, I may die. And I don’t want to die. So I stay in darkness, I stay in this place where I need to fight and fight back to stay alive. Every battle is a blessing, a chance given to me to live. One more day.
I don’t want to build any more tunnels, I wish to walk a new road…
I don’t know why you poped up into my mind this morning. Your memory.
I remember, will always, where I was when the phone rang, how I felt. I somewhere knew what was about to be said. Something written since the day you entered my life. It could not last. Life like this. Life in a place of suffering. Pain, inside your head, in your body. Your fainted smile as the years went by.
Sometimes a glimpse of hope. Sometimes a chance, maybe. But every time it went as it came. And we remained there, on the threshold of a new dawn, the heart lost in a future that we could only imagine, that would never be yours to walk towards.
The end. I was prepared and yet, I lost balance. I felt relieved for you. I felt pain rushing into my blood and anger filling the space with emptiness.
You were so young. I was so full of dreams, thinking I could overcome every difficulty, I could break the silence they put between us. Your parents thought I was judging them. They felt guilty enough for not being able to look after you the way others thought they ought to.
They were wrong. I was on their side. I was your godmother, not a complete stranger with straight ideas on what it takes and what it means of rasing a disabled child.
You were always an angel anyway. To me. When death took you away, you just get home. You are somewhere between the stars. In my heart for ever. A part of my life. A bright one despite the end, despite all that went wrong between the day I hold you tight in that church and the day the phone rang to tell me you passed away. We did not say goodbye.
We did not know what love was
We thought it was becoming one another
Or losing our identity
We thought it was being there
We thought it was losing our voice
So we could create a brand new reality
We did not know so we tried
We fought battles so we could stop the tide
From taking us afar with no chance of coming back
We did not know but we played the game
Thinking that feelings would keep us safe
We kept putting love
Trying to define it
Without the correct lens
We became two strangers
Walking into darkness
Tears falling on deserted gardens
Where flowers could not bloom
We did not know what love was
We broke each other’s hearts
Till there was nothing left
But empty fields
With holes where we could hide
Thinking it would end the madness
That kept us in a delusive togetherness
This is a text written as part of Writing Prompt proposed by Mona
Days come and go. You are somewhere and everywhere. Never too far away.
What days look like when you are not part of the world anymore, when you wander in galaxies, sky and stars, no limit?
What do you do for hours when there is no more agenda, no night and light, when wholeness and emptiness mean the same?
There were happy days – childhood memories. And then something happened. You left. You died and we knew it. We knew it would happen. We knew it was just a matter of months. We knew and we closed our eyes. Cause you were special. Maybe we thought you couldn’t die. We were not ready for it. I was not ready for it. We’re never ready to welcome death.
Some people say that love ends. I might be crazy but I know somehow this is a lie. Maybe it serves people who don’t want to see the light shining through the clouds.
We loved each other before we met. And love is still playing in the background. You know everything. I can confess you all my deepest joys and pains, my shortcuts and my dreams.
You are somewhere. Not a body but a soul. And nobody can ever catch you again. You’re free.