A song
Well known by all
Song of pain
And trust
Tomorrows are waiting
To be written
Open your heart
To the eternal light
And then pain will fly away
Like birds migrating to warmer lands
Will remain the song
Of the harp strings gently touched
By sacred hands
It struck me recently. This life, building undergrounds, searching to get out and breath. And yet building more, as if walking without something between me and the sky, between me and the bright light, was too fearful.
So I kept finding ways to escape. I kept running out of energy in search of something I would not even dare to catch.
It sounds a bit crazy. And yet it makes complete sense when I think about it, when I take a glimpse at what I grew up with…
The idea that life and struggle come together. So if I am at peace, I may die. And I don’t want to die. So I stay in darkness, I stay in this place where I need to fight and fight back to stay alive. Every battle is a blessing, a chance given to me to live. One more day.
I don’t want to build any more tunnels, I wish to walk a new road…
I don’t know why you poped up into my mind this morning. Your memory.
I remember, will always, where I was when the phone rang, how I felt. I somewhere knew what was about to be said. Something written since the day you entered my life. It could not last. Life like this. Life in a place of suffering. Pain, inside your head, in your body. Your fainted smile as the years went by.
Sometimes a glimpse of hope. Sometimes a chance, maybe. But every time it went as it came. And we remained there, on the threshold of a new dawn, the heart lost in a future that we could only imagine, that would never be yours to walk towards.
The end. I was prepared and yet, I lost balance. I felt relieved for you. I felt pain rushing into my blood and anger filling the space with emptiness.
You were so young. I was so full of dreams, thinking I could overcome every difficulty, I could break the silence they put between us. Your parents thought I was judging them. They felt guilty enough for not being able to look after you the way others thought they ought to.
They were wrong. I was on their side. I was your godmother, not a complete stranger with straight ideas on what it takes and what it means of rasing a disabled child.
You were always an angel anyway. To me. When death took you away, you just get home. You are somewhere between the stars. In my heart for ever. A part of my life. A bright one despite the end, despite all that went wrong between the day I hold you tight in that church and the day the phone rang to tell me you passed away. We did not say goodbye.
We did not know what love was
We thought it was becoming one another
Or losing our identity
We thought it was being there
Without giving
Without listening
We thought it was losing our voice
So we could create a brand new reality
We did not know so we tried
We fought battles so we could stop the tide
From taking us afar with no chance of coming back
We did not know but we played the game
Thinking that feelings would keep us safe
And sane
We kept putting love
Into brackets
Trying to define it
Without the correct lens
Till
We became two strangers
Walking into darkness
Tears falling on deserted gardens
Where flowers could not bloom
We did not know what love was
We broke each other’s hearts
Till there was nothing left
But empty fields
With holes where we could hide
Thinking it would end the madness
That kept us in a delusive togetherness
This is a text written as part of Writing Prompt proposed by Mona
Days come and go. You are somewhere and everywhere. Never too far away.
What days look like when you are not part of the world anymore, when you wander in galaxies, sky and stars, no limit?
What do you do for hours when there is no more agenda, no night and light, when wholeness and emptiness mean the same?
There were happy days – childhood memories. And then something happened. You left. You died and we knew it. We knew it would happen. We knew it was just a matter of months. We knew and we closed our eyes. Cause you were special. Maybe we thought you couldn’t die. We were not ready for it. I was not ready for it. We’re never ready to welcome death.
Some people say that love ends. I might be crazy but I know somehow this is a lie. Maybe it serves people who don’t want to see the light shining through the clouds.
We loved each other before we met. And love is still playing in the background. You know everything. I can confess you all my deepest joys and pains, my shortcuts and my dreams.
You are somewhere. Not a body but a soul. And nobody can ever catch you again. You’re free.
I dreamt of a life which could never be ours
Just so I could keep going
With you by my side
So many mixed feelings
When we are together
My weaknesses taking all the place
We are creating something out of love
It should be beautiful
It’s messy most of the time
I wish I could be the mum I dreamt of
For you
But I am just a pale copy of it
Full of insecurities
Cracks
With my hypersensitivity taking over
I feel out of place
Even my love seems weak
When I can’t make your feel better
When I let all my anger out for nothing
When I lose track of you
Innocent
In need of me
So beautiful
In your own way
How could I take good care of you
When I forget to look after myself so often
I wonder…
Why so many people want kids they can’t have
And me
Having you
Screwing it up most of the time…
But still I am fighting back
Still believing in something greater
Still thinking that maybe you’ll be able to sort out things
What’s good for you and what you can let go
Some people will add…
Still doing my best – I can go without it
Or if this is my best, it’s quite sad
We hoped
And flew
Away with the sun
Reaching high
Chasing blue skies
Finding solace
In the arms of a lifelong
Dream
***
Words come when I don’t expect them to show up. If I can’t catch them, I let them go. Or I find myself in a place of struggle. I don’t need more these days. I got enough on my plate. Some will say it’s all about being hypersensitive. Maybe. For me, it’s about digesting life events and news that don’t make sense to me. It’s about healing. And healing takes time…
I can tell you everything
The good, the bad, the worst
The blue, the grey, the white
The bright mornings and the dark skies
I can tell you my ups, my downs
My doubts, my fears, my joys
I can tell you all there is
And all there was
Dreams and nightmares
I can cry and you won’t say
These ugly words that I despise
I can tell you everything
And yet I don’t wish to tell you everything
Not that you can’t hear it
Just that I want to protect us from
A life that does not belong to now
Remains of scars, shots of pain
We belong to today and tomorrow
We are writing a far better story
Than the ones before
One that is true, loving, peaceful
One that put a smile on our faces
When we look at each other
I don’t want the chaos anymore
I don’t want to feel trapped in emotions
I don’t want us to be all about this
The memories to unfold
The fears to go over
The wounds to mend
I want life and happiness
Blessings to count every day
Joy and projects to share
I don’t want anything messy between you and me
So know if I don’t tell you everything
It is just my way to say that you mean the world to me
I am learning that her story is not mine
Still learning
It’s not the easiest part
It is a path of love and acceptance
Of what was
And what is
Of her feelings
And her pain
I felt angry at times
When I was younger
Hearing that she’d rather like to die
It is no lie
I thought cancer would change her
Make her feel more aware of the beauty around
And the past would go
Would let her breath in peace
And live without shadows
I prayed
But it’s not my story
I have no power
It’s not about me
All the love I have can’t change the deal
The past is engraved
In every cell of her body
I am learning to love her as she is
With her memories
Her ghosts
Her idea that life is just a messy road
Trying to protect me
When she says she’d rather like death
Knowing that it’s not against me
It’s just the only space
That could set her free
When darkness strikes
Do you feel defeated by the pain of the past?
Or do you carry it along, knowing you defeated the pain?
