Being your mum

Credit photo @mariekleber37

We are getting to know each other. Day after day after day. It’s a rollercoaster and then a field trip with butterflies and rainbows.

It was not easy. I said it. Out loud. With guilt and without. We met in chaos and yet we’re still, alive and close, more happy than sad. Our miracle.

I knew, when leaving, that it’s the right choice. But I did not know it would take us to hell before we could see the first lights accross the night. It’s been a ride, one of a kind. With fear of loss and loss of innocence.

You drove me mad so many times, at a time I wasn’t able to cope with it. I got crazy and I thought I was, like he told me once. Tears went on and on. I needed tears to heal my wounds.

They all said it’s all about love but I know it’s not true. Love can’t do it all. It’s also about being able to face our greatest fears and to let go of our deepest desires. It’s about being able to say that we are not making it right, that something needs to be done.

And I did it. I let it all go, my mess, the awful days, your empty face, your pain, mine, the dark hours, me being stuck in the bathroom wishing to die, you lost behind the door and me being unable to reach out to you. I spat it out like it was lava. I broke free of years of humiliation and threats.

Sometimes we remember these moments and we laugh. Maybe it’s for the best. We are so different now. It does not change the past and I’d love if it could!

But only today matters and what we’re going to do with it. In a way it makes me stronger, our relationship, the way it is, I know what I’d fight for if I need to. It feels like I’m not afraid being your mum anymore…

Friends Apart

Photo by @mariekleber37

We used to be…

Life came in
With its ups and downs
Days apart
Years ahead of us
Unknowing of what will last

We used to be…

Knowing by heart
The good and the bad
Feelings kept
Mess being said
Out loud

We used to be…

Never without time
For best wishes
Never thinking
It would not last

We used to be friends

True, safe and secure harbor
Tears shared
Falling apart in one another’s arms

Maybe something happened
Something I am not aware of
Or maybe it’s just life
Me leaving and you staying

Maybe you belong to the past
A past I could have never bore without you
Your smile brought light into darkness
Your golden heart

I do miss you my friend
I left you somewhere near the river
I don’t know why you’re not there anymore
We drifted away maybe

I’m left with question marks
All over the place
Maybe it’s the way life goes

Letting you fly
Letting you decide what’s best to try
Knowing that if you wish, one day
To come back and play
I’ll be there, by the shore
Ready to start again where we left it

Just if you…

Again…

The hardest part is
Seeing somebody you love
Signing for the same life
Same lies
Heading for the same shore
Same shame

Someone knowing your story
Knowing the pain
Knowing the mess
Still feeling her story is different
Still thinking her relationship is safe

Someone you know you can’t help
Someone willing to believe
She will make it
When you know it will break her

Past, nonsense and freedom

Crédit Photo @mariekleber37

Will I be able to let the past where it belongs?

At the beginning of the year, it came back in a rush. I did not want to but yet it knocked at my door and I let it in. Not fully but enough so it could mess up with me again.

Memories, fears, doubts.

Again.

The need to explain my choices and to prove something. The guilt. The pain. It’s crazy how some people can bring to light the best in you and some can only take you down in a second and make you feel useless and lame!

The past came back and I felt strong for a while and then the same old story kept on playing, I wanted to scream. I put on a mask, the one that says “I am ok, I can deal with it.”

Will I, one day?

Ok, I made a bad choice once. Do I have to pay for ever? Or will I be free at some stage of all this nonsense?

Maybe the key is to close the door and don’t try to be nice again. Why should I be?

The key IS to stop trying so hard. This past doesn’t deserve anything from me. And anyway it’s made of nothing. It’s harsh I know and I feel bad sometimes to think like this. Maybe I should stop feeling bad about this, as well!

In fact I am the only one free to show up and say “fuck you!” Once and forever!

What I choose to keep

Credit @mariekleber37

I was at my grand-mother’s place at the weekend and I went through old writing, words she kept like a treasure! Old love, loss stories and blog posts.

I looked at words, thinking “God, you had it all wrong!” I think I wrote a different story than the one I was living, just so I could survive it. It’s crazy but it helped.

I nearly couldn’t believe what I was reading, like it came from another life, a place I visited in dreams. Like it wasn’t me. And it wasn’t me, the “today” me. It was just an old version, somebody I used to be, somebody trying to fit in a life that wasn’t right for her.

I hated people for this, for not understanding I wanted to be somebody, even if it came with harm and sadness. And it did came with all of this, tears and hopelessness, violence and pain. At least, through hell, I was made of something.

How did I knew it? I was breakable. Like made of porcelain.

Old life. I took everything to the paper bin. Relief. I don’t need this. I don’t need to remember, it’s there anyway. And I am fine with it, fine with who I was, what I trade for peace or whatever I was looking for. It’s a big chapter and yet it’s nothing more than that.

I had my chance and I took it, despite the mess and the chaos. Maybe if there’s one thing to keep of these years, it’s this!

And you, what do you choose to keep? Which of your memories make a difference in your life today?