Our truth lies within darkness

Crédit Pixabay

There is something inside
That we hide
Something we don’t want others to see

We don’t want to know
It could burn our eyes
It could destroy the image we have

There is a part of darkness
A stream of shadows
Hanging around

There is unfolded nightmares
Anger and violence
Jealousy and pain

Until we are ready to face
Our dark side
With an open heart

We’ll never know the truth of who we are

In Between…

Between security and chaos
I stand

Still at times
Like a tightrope walker
Unaware of the empty space
Under my feet
Confident in my skills
Wearing joy and serenity like a second skin

Lost at times
Like a defensless warrior
Emotions taking me down
Making me vulnerable
Full of insecurities
Feeling trapped in my own body

This is me
In between

Looking for more freedom
And then despising it
Looking for solitude
And then wishing to get close to someone
Aiming for more independance
And then feeling like I am missing something

Me and my
Discrepancies

Knowing who I am
Losing me again

Finding my balance
Searching for it again

At peace within myself
Wishing to be different
When nothing makes sense
Anymore

Learning
Day after day
To welcome all of me

Strenghs and weaknesses
Falls and victories
Deep emotions
Wish to feel no more

Learning to love me
Each day
Making this my priority

Happy 2020!

We got one month, but let’s do it now!

First of all, thank you for your support and your words. Reading you feels so good in happy times and harsh ones too. We all know these fleeting moments of pure joy or complete despair. Knowing that we are never alone is such a special treat. Together we are stronger, always.

Time to wish you a beautiful, bright, joyful year 2020. I don’t know why but I love this number, all round and sweet. It gives me the sensation that the year is going to be positive and full of awesomness.

May 2020 keeps you and your loved ones in good health so you can enjoy every single moment. May it gives you projects to bring to life, dreams to dwell on, words to live by.

May it be a year of sharing good times and meeting new people, of travels and discoveries, of time doing the things you love, of finding your balance, your peace, of getting closer to who you are, of letting go when you can, of loving yourself – pure and unconditionnal love.

I wish you the best and even more!

Learning always…

I am learning. The ups and downs. In search of my balance always. Every day, acknowledging what’s working and what’s not.

The need to get in touch with me and the failure of not being able to do so. Most of the time. Except maybe when silence is on play, when lights are down.

I am learning to accept it, this place of bruises, place of emptiness. Never being sure. Always doubting.

I left fear and I thought I would never feel this way again. And yet, it’s another kind of fear. One that needs care so I can defy it every single day.

I wanted to be strong. And yet I am not. Embracing it makes it less painful. I feel the urge to open my eyes, to let the words flow, to open the door so I can stand on the edge and stop hidding, stop saying ok when it’s not, stop behaving like all is under control, stop pretending.

Maybe this is my chance.

Of being human. And learning to let go, after all. Day by day. Layer by layer. Till I can look at myself in the mirror and only feel love. For who I am. Without control and conditions. Without wanting to be different.

Let me be…me

Let me breath
Let me be

Not the way you imagined me
Just the way I am

Messy at times
Unsure of what to say
And how to say it

Loud and insecure
Raising my voice against things
You think are not worth fighting for

Let me see the best in others
Even if you think it’s naive

Let me go my way
Even if not the way you’d take

Let me smile and cry
And say some days are too much
I can’t cope and that’s fine
Tomorrow will be better

I know it would be easier for you
If I could fit in boxes
If I could follow a road that many took before
Knowing where the footprints are

But it would mean being someone I am not
I did it for too long
I don’t want it anymore…

Finding the balance

This year my word is Be Kind (To myself mostly).

Over the past years I realized that it was important for me to get to know who I am, to love myself (without condition), to create my space, to find some “me” time, so I could deal with motherhood, work, daily life peacefully and with an open heart. This way I could give my full attention to my child whenever we have time together, or my friends, my family. By taking care of myself, I would surely take better care of people around me.

And by falling in love with myself, I would allow love into my life, the kind of true and respectful love I deserve.

I’ve always been the first to tell family and friends “think about you” or “you are important, you need to look after yourself”, “take some time away, it’s good for you and for your kids, your husband….” That’s it; I am good advice when it comes to others. It’s another story when I am concerned.

I have to acknowledge that I have a tough time finding my balance, between my life as a mum, my life at home with my parents, my personal life including meeting friends, creating new relationships, writing and relaxing. I feel like it’s too much for me. In fact, I spent the past three years focusing on my child and my family, without even thinking that I was part of the equation. Don’t get me wrong, I was the first one saying that I needed time for myself, without taking it. I was the first one trying to meet new people, without catching opportunities. I was the first one feeling I needed to make the first step towards time for myself, but taking guilt in my handbag every time I was about to cross the line between motherhood and womanhood!

This year I told myself that I must do something about it. My life can’t change if I just sit down, wait and see. I am in charge of making it work, one way or another. I must change the way I feel / think about taking time for myself. I can’t find the balance if I don’t give myself a chance to test what it’s like to be fully with my child, fully with dear ones and fully with me.

I know that it won’t happen overnight. It’s a step by step project. But I refuse to let life pass and forget me once again. I matter, as much as others do. I don’t say that it’s going to be easy. But I don’t want to feel once again what I felt in February: being exhausted, on the edge, shouting every time something did not go according to plan. I don’t want to spend my life feeling crap and feeling guilty for feeling crap. I need to take action. Where to start? I don’t have a clue.

I am on the way for a better life as a mum and a woman.

Tell me, did you find your balance yet? Did it take time? Any advices / tips to share? Or are you still searching for it?