A history of “violence”

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You know people say that we are not only made by our parents, their choices, our choices in life, we are also the fruit of past generation history, pains, hopes, dreams and regrets. Yesterday, in bed, as I was about to let sleep takes me to a faraway land, something hit me. Even though I had a happy childhood, with loving parents and grandparents, who encouraged me, trusted me and did everything in their power to give me the best, violence was not far. Violence was on the dinner table, in my mother’s memories that she would share again and again, so she can heal – violence against her a child (physical and sexual violence) – violence against her mother (physical and emotional). Violence was everywhere.

My imagination created many images in my mind. Violence became part of me, as I tried to do everything to make my mum happy. I took a charge that wasn’t mine. Nobody realized it. I was such a happy and quiet child.

Life kept going and I kept moving with it without understanding why I found myself engaged in many relationships tainted by violence: I was harassed at primary school for 4 years – my first boyfriend was a battered child – I worked 3 years with a toxic and crazy fashion designer – I met my ex-husband and discovered violence is not only physical, it’s in the words, the threats, the silence too.

My grand-mother always stayed and keeps staying silent about the violence she was exposed to for many years. She says “it was not that bad”. I can’t hear this. Violence broke my mum. Violence took up power in our life. Violence made me a victim for years.

Somedays I feel that violence is inside me. I try my best to tame it. These days I need silence and peace, so I can let it go without hurting anyone around. Somedays I can’t, so I shout and bury my head in a soft cushion. It feels like violence is tattooed on my skin, like something I can’t get rid of. When my sweet boy turned 2 and started using his hands and fists when he did not get what he wanted, many memories rushed through me. The fact that young kids can’t express their emotions did not help me dealing with his outburst or anger and violence. It was like the story repeated itself.

That’s the reason why I am working a lot on me, asking for professional help when the charge is too heavy. I want to let violence behind. I don’t want violence to be part of the next chapter of our life. We learn together, celebrating victories, searching for peace, towards more light.

An invaluable lesson

When Jennifer told me she would be in Paris and would love to meet, the first thought that crossed my mind is « I can’t do this ». It’s not that I did not want to see her or anything lik thise, it’s just that the first words that came through my mind were “not good enough”.

I hate these three words.

But they rush like blood into my veins every time I am facing a new situation, a situation that involves new people.

And then, something happened in my mind. I heard a voice saying “what – not good enough – you’re joking!”

I was not.

I mean we were talking about Jennifer Burden there – the founder & CEO of World Moms Network, the woman with ideas, passion, who got involved with the UN Foundation and even got to meet the UN Secretary General, Ban ki-Moon.

I was so scared.

And then I answered “Fabulous, I can’t wait to meet you”, thinking that I still had 3 weeks to get ready.

Crazy!

And then I realized there was nothing to fear. I realized all this “not good enough” bullshit was not about me. It was about all the assholes I met before. I make the choice to stop this voice in my head.

I was good enough. I am good enough. I am even better than “good enough”. I am me. And I am beautiful.

So we met.

And I can say that we had a fabulous time. Meeting Jennifer was like meeting an old friend. We had so much to share about our lives, doubts, dreams. We enjoyed this special moment. It was a special treat to me. I met an open-minded and delicious woman. She was not one to fear or be afraid of. We were just two women happy to connect.

A week later, it was Purnima’s – senior editor at WMN – turn to be in Paris with her family. The bad voice did not come back. I would have told her “shut up” anyway. And again we shared a nice moment all together. It was even hard letting her and her family go.

I am so grateful to have met these wonderful ladies and to have overcome my fears. They both taught me an invaluable lesson:

Be who you are. Be proud of your choices. And the world will embrace you. And you will shine. And the world will shine with you!

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I need “help” and that’s ok @WMB

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As far back as I can remember I always had a clear idea of what a strong woman is and how she should behave. A strong woman would do whatever she could to have all situations under control, would not need help and would not ask for it either, would manage on her own and would succeed alone.

This was before. Before what?

Before I had no other choice than say “I need help”. I need help to go through the day. I need help to wake up, stand up and live. I need help to overcome my fears, doubts. I need help to love my child. I need help to face past memories. I need help to rebuild my life. I need help to forgive. I need help to love myself.

And my idea of what a strong woman is changed.

We often think that asking for help is a proof of our inability to face life and its challenges.

If you ask mums, friends, people around you, I bet that the answer you’ll hear most of the time will be something like this “I don’t want to ask for help. I’m fine. I’ll deal with it like a big girl”.

Why can’t “being a big girl” and “asking for help” go together? Why do we, women, mums, think that if we ask for help, people will consider us failures?

Read HERE

 

Being a woman

I forgot what it meant

Being a woman

I forgot what it’s like

Being looked at

***

He said things

I did not want to hear

Lack of confidence

My body is a mess

Inside

I feel scared

Trusting again

***

He told me

It’s time to let go

To let love knock at the door

Of my heart

***

I am so good at listening to others

At helping them

I am so bad at letting someone take care of me

Telling me how fabulous I am

***

Images are rushing in front of my eyes

Being naked is scaring me

How to be myself when deep down

The scars are still bleeding?

***

I want to scream

How can I forgive myself?

How can I let go of something that is killing me?

How somebody will see behind

My broken femininity?

***

I forgot what it meant

Being a woman

I forgot what it’s like

Being looked at

***

I forgot I was loveable

I forgot I was beautiful

 

Hand in Hand for a New World

Come

Take my hand

Sit down with me

We’re gonna share

Our stories

You’re gonna tell me

How to gain in confidence

I’m gonna tell you

How to feel blessed every day

You’re gonna tell me the secrets you hide

Inside

I’m gonna tell you who I am

Inside

You’re gonna cry – tears of joy

And I’m gonna cry too – tears of gratitude

We’re gonna share

A unique moment of friendship

Just you & me

In a bubble of peace

We’ll be safe to be

Who WE ARE

We’ll celebrate life

As it is

And GOD’s creation

Our bodies

The power within us

That can create amazing things

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Come

Hear my voice

Sit down with me

Under the Tulip Tree

With our freedom and our love

Together

We’ll make a new world!

Finding the balance @ WMB

Over the past few years, I realized that it was important for me to get to know who I am, to love myself (without condition), to create my space, to find some “me” time so I could deal with motherhood, work and daily life, peacefully and with an open heart. This way, I could give my full attention to my child whenever we have time together, or to my friends and family. By taking care of myself, I would surely take better care of the people around me. And by falling in love with myself, I would allow love into my life, the kind of true and respectful love I deserve.you-can_t-pour-into-all-the-areas-of-your-life-if-your-own-cup-is-empty

I’ve always been the first to tell family and friends, “think about you” or “you are important, you need to look after yourself”, “take some time away, it’s good for you and for your kids, your husband….” That’s it: I give good advice when it comes to others. It’s another story when I am concerned.

I have to acknowledge that I have a tough time finding my balance between my life as a mum, my life at home with my parents, my personal life including meeting friends and creating new relationships, writing and relaxing. I feel like it’s too much for me. Read the article HERE @ WMB

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Parenting…

Silent breath

Under the skin

Looking for some peace

In the busy days

Not so cold outside

Too warm inside

Looking for some happiness

Under the white sky

***

Saying NO all day long

Endurance and Patience

Parenting can be tough

Setting limits

Boundaries with a smile

Trying to stay calm

And feeling crap when anger strikes

***

Needing time to unwind

Time alone

Focusing on the good things

On the love shared

Away from tensions

Time for compassion

Towards ourselves

Towards life

Its constant ups and downs

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Warrior Time

I took a deep breath

And I looked back

Not for long

Just a second

She asked me

“Would you change the story?”

Through pain I learnt the value of MY life

But is the pain worth it?

Through pain I learnt to look at myself with kindness and love

But does it make the abuse fine?

“What if life was giving you a second chance?”

Life gave it to me already

I took the road less travelled and it was rough

But they told me that the scenery after the tunnel is beautiful

They were right

“Did you forgive him?”

I am not sure

Not yet

I am still dealing with grief

I am still living with memories

They tend to fade away

At least I forgave myself

It’s the first step

“Do you still love him?”

No

I loved him

Even after he broke the rules

Even after the lies

But love is gone

And this feels much better

Than having to mend a broken heart

Thank having to fills the gaps

“Is it hard seeing him again?”

Yes

Still

His smile in front of others

And his threats behind their back

He can try to destroy me

But he can’t

He didn’t

And I will never let him do so

***

I am

I am a warrior

In a golden armour

I stand up for myself

I am fine

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Times of change

There comes the time when you want the best for your life.

But the best does not fall from the sky.

You can wish for it, but if you don’t do anything to make it happen, it’ll stay a mere dream, a dream that you’ll finally put away, chase from your mind, till you feel desperate again and ready to start being true to yourself.

At some stage, you’ll have to change.

You’ll find around people ready to help. You’ll go online and reach out to therapists or programs that talk to you.

You make it happen.

You don’t wait for it, on a bench, under the rain.

You take action. You take a paper and a pen.

You start an action plan and practical steps.

You plan goals and celebration when you achieve one.

You plan to congratulate yourself each time you are moving forward, each time you feel like the pain is leaving you.

Slowly you take control of your life, of your mind, of your thoughts.

You don’t let others interact with your feelings or your mood.

You change every negative thought with a positive one.

You breathe in the here and now.

You are ready for a new life…

 Ps – I initiated the change into my own life. I have the Map in my hands for a while, but I needed to find the good time to start the work. Here I am. Thanks to Jodi for introducing me to this program that she created. Here is the link to Jodi wonderful website – Jodi Aman and to the Map to Whole Peace. She has a way with words and lots of love and kindness to share. Don’t miss it!

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My life these days – Acceptance and Love

Nore sure why I have been away for so long. Two weeks is long when it comes to blogging, when it comes to me, not blogging.

I just got caught in many other things. I had issues to process and I realized that writing about them here could not change them. So I decided to deal with them on my own, like a big girl!

Mister Pop got sick in the middle of it. It looks like it took him ages to recover. He recovered and is now babbling all day long. He is so funny!

He makes me laugh out loud. People might think I am absolutely crazy. I don’t care. This boy is just perfect (when he does not scream or put any garbage he can find, in his mouth)!

He got to meet his dad 10 days ago. This visit was one part of my issue. Divorce is tough. But not being able to discuss things, talk together is quite difficult too. Silence is all around when it comes to Mister Pop’s dad. I have to do with it. I won’t change him. And anyway he does not want to change at all. So I am backing off…

I am slowly learning to let things be. And concentrate on who I am. I am learning to think about what I like or wish, when taking a decision. I am learning to live in the moment, to not dwell in the past or even try to create many horrible scenarios when it comes to what will happen next.

These days, I am practicing self-love, I am learning to accept and love the life I have. And it feels right, and good.

ps – Many Thanks for your kind words on my last post. It means a lot. I just wanted you to know it.

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 Crédit Image – Pinterest