A little thing – that will be nothing for others, or close to nothing – can make me shiver. And then I dive into a space where I can only see my flaws.
I feel like a child, looking at the world for the first time and thinking it’s a magical place. No harm around. I feel safe. And then it happens. And like a child, I feel overwhelmed. My emotions are raw, deep. I feel squeezed between so many feelings.
Like a slap on my face, my balance is at stake. If only there could be somebody to hold me so I won’t be falling. But I crash and I soon feel empty. Like I only deserve what I got. Like I got punished for believing in something that don’t exist.
The world is not always that place where you can be and feel free. Freedom is a beautiful world. But it comes with a price. If you are not aware that you have to pay it, you find yourself lost half-way.
I can’t change the world. I just have to learn to take my place in it. Not that easy. Cause I have a hard time seeing it as it is.
Kids love full houses. Voices. And people. And playing. Laughing. Games and big tables. Snacks and treats.
Maybe it’s the hardest part. The one that says, on a daily basis, it’s just the two of us.
Just him and me.
And seeing him missing something. The people. The voices. The fun. The funny part of life. Missing his friends as soon as we are back home. Missing his grand-parents as soon as they are back home.
When I feel down, I feel guilty.
But some days are good. Some days are even great fun. Just the two of us.
But I know he is in need of something more. So we go out. And spend days with family. And we meet people. And I try not to feel blue too often, or at least leave the blues for later. When he is in bed. And I remember the chance we have to be where we are.