I am learning that her story is not mine
It’s not the easiest part It is a path of love and acceptance
Of what was
And what is
Of her feelings
And her pain
I felt angry at times
When I was younger
Hearing that she’d rather like to die
It is no lie
I thought cancer would change her
Make her feel more aware of the beauty around
And the past would go
Would let her breath in peace
And live without shadows
But it’s not my story
I have no power
It’s not about me
All the love I have can’t change the deal
The past is engraved
In every cell of her body
I am learning to love her as she is
With her memories
Her idea that life is just a messy road
Trying to protect me
When she says she’d rather like death
Knowing that it’s not against me
It’s just the only space
That could set her free
It’s hard not to. Not to remember this night. Hard to see the number 13 on the screen and feel nothing. It’s hard to forget. Hard to behave like none of this happened.
We can try. Some are good at it. Some are good at closing their eyes. Some don’t want to remember. Cause it’s too tough. Cause it’s too soon maybe. Cause they don’t see why this would make a difference.
I don’t want to close my eyes. I don’t want to forget. Even if it makes me shiver. Even if it’s far from what I believe and pray for. Even if I don’t understand and if I’d rather see love than blood on the day screens.
I can say it does not matter. I was not one of them. I was out of the mess of this terrible night. I’d lie. I was there, crying, feeling the pain of those who died, of those who survived. I was there, knowing our world would never be the same again, letting go of layers of fears, trying to find solace in kid’s innocent smiles.
When darkness threatens the foundations of our lives, we can’t keep going like nothing is real. We ought to walk, confident, holding to hope like a second skin, towards the light.